I can trust him but I can't

[PTSDisaster]

Thanks for your perspective, @dcb2410. Really, your posts are encouraging and supportive. I also am reminded that it's not just for me, but for the relationship that I need to communicate needs.

That's a good reminder, @Friday. Sometimes my bf doesn't always say and do the right things. Usually, they are at times when I can be more forgiving, but it doesn't mean you should give up, nor does it mean that the trust can automatically be blind.

To answer your question, @PTSDisaster. I've been triggered with my bf several times, especially in the beginning when I felt really suspicious and distrustful. During those moments, I could always find good evidence for how I was feeling. But as I began to trust my bf more, I realized how much my ptsd was generating the "facts and evidence." For example, several months ago, I got triggered and I got it in my head that my bf was trying to ditch me to meet someone else. That's a typical trigger - my bf is dissing me in some way or other, whether it's not texting me because he doesn't care (even though he's just busy at work), or he's not pioritizing me, etc. Sometimes my feeling of worthlessness is manifested in my fear that he likes someone else more.

I got to his house after when I thought he met with someone else. I looked around, and I noticed how the jacket he was wearing in the selfie he supposedly just sent me was no where (obviously the picture was taken another day), the lies he was telling to cover up, etc. I had the whole picture lined up in my head, and was actually going to break up with him that day. But after just a few minutes of conversation made me realize like a slap in the face that my mind was making up the whole damn thing. I never recovered that whole day because in my mind, I thought there was this big drama that should have lead to a break up. But it was all in my mind. The best thing I did that day was to actually NOT share my trigger. To top it off, on my way out, I saw his jacket hanging on the chair (not the coat rack where I looked). In the past, I think that I just had these suspicions, confirmed them in my own head and thought assumed that they were real. Now I'm really questioning my distrust and suspicions. It's incredible to what extent I believed them. They were real as far as I knew until they got checked by actual reality.

That's exactly what's happening in my mind too! I think sooo much further than a normal person would, just like you described. Just because the jacket isn't where you would expect it to be, means he is ditching you or whatever. But just one silly thing that no one else would even notice, is such a big thing. I think we would make a great detective team together tho haha. But thank you so much, it really is a hopeful message that the trust will come with time. Thank you <3

My sense of trust is really miskewed, -or 'mis-cued'. Sometimes I look at people and am for a minute confused who I'm looking at.

It's a lot to process. :(

I am going to try to trust in what I know (of trustworthy people), not any other's bs.

I'm sorry to hear that.. It's a tough road. Is it your ptsd or is it intuition? I think that's a question we all have at times. But it seems like you know what's real and what is not, but connecting those thoughts with feelings must be the hardest/biggest step. You've already made big steps by aknowledging these thoughts are not real! Good progress:)

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @PTSDisaster . Oddly, I neglect intuition, based on thinking it's too much influenced by ptsd or the past, and mistrust when I shouldn't, based on the past and probably one part ptsd. I will have to read your post later to understand more fully.

Thank you! :hug: