I Can't Do It Anymore And I Don't Want To

[Uselessdreamer]

I'm having a really hard time right now and I'm worried if I tell someone how I feel they will just call the cops. A month ago I was assaulted, kidnapped, raped and left for dead a county away. They tagged me with permanent marker on the back of my neck. This made me feel like an object, a piece of property that they still own a part of. I haven't fully dealt with this yet. Not that I know what that will entail truly. I have had ptsd for a very long time due to childhood abuse so I was already having nightmares. This is different. I'm afraid all the time. I just want the thoughts and memories to stop! I don't know any other way to do that. Nothing makes them stop and it's making me crazy. I'm no good to anyone like this. They are constantly worried about me, walking on egg shells. Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I'm afraid if I start to cry I'll never stop. I just want to scream and run but at the same time I want to bury myself and hide away for all eternity.

 

[joeylittle]

Hi, @Uselessdreamer - I'm sorry to hear what happened to you, and how much you are struggling. Have you thought about getting help from a therapist or counselor? It's sometimes hard to talk to the people who are already in our lives, but much easier to talk to someone who is there specifically to listen to us, without judgement.

 

[Nevermore]

@Uselessdreamer
What you went through sounds so terrifying! I'm so sorry you had to go through that. You didn't do anything to deserve it and no reason for it being you. If it was me in that place at that time, it would have been me!! It's really important to know that is the truth.
i hope you feel safe where you are and have good people around you. You need to cry. It does stop eventually even when you feel it never will

I hope you can get that mark removed asap!! It's horrible that they did that - but that is the horribleness that belongs to them not you. That's why it wd be great if you can get that removed

I hope you can find some peace and feel safe, and have someone with you that you can cry with.
I wish for you much healing!!

 

[Uselessdreamer]

I'm at the point where talking physically hurts. I see a therapist. They just aren't helping

 

[Uselessdreamer]

@Uselessdreamer
What you went through sounds so terrifying! I'm so sorry you had t...

The mark was removed by my fiancee the next day after it was photographed by Dr's and police :( he used nail Polish remover and it came off. I don't know how to feel anymore all I know is I can't stand feeling like this and it's getting worse

 

[Nevermore]

@Uselessdreamer I'm not a great fan of drugs as a way of dealing with things, but I do think when it's so recent and so acute they can help get you calm enough to be able to think.
Sometimes talking about it doesn't help when it's do recent
For me talking never really helped! I saw an art therapist and that really helped - just expressing my feelings and being understood.
Talking doesn't help everyone, we are all different.
I'm glad your fiancée got that mark off for you. Hang in there!!
Things will get better!

 

[Nevermore]

**** I meant Valium etc not street drugs! Sorry - I just read that back and it read s bit suss!!

 

[joeylittle]

I'm at the point where talking physically hurts.

I understand. That happens to me, too. If your therapist isn't helping, maybe they don't have the expertise that you need. This may sound scary, but have you considered going into a specialized trauma program for inpatient for a few weeks, to be able to get a good, solid start to some trauma therapy?

My trauma involved being kidnapped and raped. It's a very intense thing, and what I can tell you is - if I could go back in time, I would have gotten myself some intensive help much sooner. And, with you having abuse from childhood (which it sounds like is unresolved trauma as well), you've got a lot there to sort through. I'm really feeling for you.

 

[Friday]

A month out is very early days. The kind of still being bashed about the rocks, not even swum to shore, yet, very early days.

My trauma involved being kidnapped and raped. It's a very intense thing, and what I can tell you is - if I could go back in time, I would have gotten myself some intensive help much sooner.

@Uselessdreamer
One of mine, too. And hands down, I wish I had sought help then & there, also. Instead I treated it like I'd learned to treat every other trauma in my life; suck it up & keep moving. (In point of fact, it's almost like its hardwired; regardless of what happens, or how inappropriate the response, I respond to new trauma as if it's my original stuff >.< Which makes dealing with new trauma kind of hard. Understatement. )

There are some points in my trauma history where my life made a sudden course alteration... And this is one of them.

I really, really wish I'd stopped my life for a few months and done an intensive program specifically designed to deal with my exact issues... Instead of losing both years, and gaining a really f*cked up course correction brought on by this BS. To be fair I did make at least a token effort to get help after awhile, but it was the wrong kind of help // geared towards people with an entirely different trauma history & entirely different problems, and instead of helping it just made things worse & guaranteed I didn't seek any kind of help again for 15 some odd years. I'd had an opportunity to get help for my own stuff elsewhere, but that scared me too much (both my issues being highlighted, as well as the length of time the program took), so I ran with this other option. It was the wrong decision on my part.

So I'm strongly 2nd'ing Joey... If your therapist isn't helping? Now is the best time in the world -when everything is still very new and raw and hasn't settled, yet- to find a person or program who can help you with both this & your past. I really wish I had.

 

[Ronin]

I'm no good to anyone like this.

You are good to you, can you find how to help you, more? Gentle and caring and doing right by you help?

People will wait. They -must- wait. Now is a you time. Getting you safety, getting you help, getting you healthy, time.

 

[Ronin]

Contemplated with myself if to post this or not (may be too soon, definitely too personal, and all) -

You are not a property. You are a person, your person, and only your person. No forms of marks will ever change that, you belong to you, and you only. That mark was done by them, but is yours. You are yours.

 

[Uselessdreamer]

Finding this site has been the best thing that has come from this hell I've been living these past few weeks. I appreciate all of you more than you know. Im not ready to 100% open up right now. So I don't want anyone to think I'm not appreciative of the replies. I just can't think straight and the depression is killing me