Yes, I am in regular therapy, twice a week. She doesn't know that they're telling me to kill myself. I would tell her, but I know that it would result in her telling my parents that I'm suicidal (which I'm not) and then that would result in another hospitalization.
That is good to hear that you are in regular counselling. What is not good to hear though, is that your holding parts back from your counsellor. There is a way to tell the truth, and a way not too. You need to tell your counsellor everything, because when you hold anything back, then they don't get a full understanding off how to help you. They move in one direction, but your holding back, is causing little in the recovery process, because their not working with all the information.
If you told your therapist that you are seeing visions of April, and she is telling you to kill yourself, then that would alarm her immediately. If you told your counsellor that you are having hallucinations of April, and that during those hallucinations she is talking with you, but part of that is that she is telling me to commit suicide, you will get a more relaxed approach to a serious issue. Your counsellors immediate reply will be in regard to the suicide obviously, at which point you need to tell the truth, and talk from your heart. You need to outline that whilst you are hearing these things from her, you have no intentions of commiting suicide, nor allowing that voice to convince you otherwise. You need to tell her the issue, but also back it up by what you feel. If the voices are beginning to get to you, and make you think about commiting suicide, then you need to be honest about it, as then hospitalization is a reasonable outcome to try and help you by monitoring you within a controlled environment, to lessen the chances of the voices succeeding with you, and so they can work harder on you faster, instead of just counselling twice a week.
Nobody generally likes hospitals, but lets be honest, we need them to protect ourselves from ourselves at times, we need them when seriously ill, they have a purpose. If a doctor believes your not going to kill yourself, and you have suicidal thoughts under control, they are not going to lock you up. Hell, I had them for three years and never got hospitalized, because I was honest about the entire reality of the situation, ie. everytime I got in a car, I would have to convince myself to keep driving, and not drive myself in front of traffic or into a solid object, because even though these thoughts were in my head, they remained just thoughts, and I had no intentions of letting them win, nor carry them out. This is what doctors need to know, the whole truth, nothing missed, so they can ascertain the full picture of your mental health and strengths, to determine what is in your best interest. Doctors aren't in the business of just locking people up unless those people demonstrate particular criteria to them to warrant such an action. Be honest with your counsellor.
Anyway, I was entirely blaming myself for her death, because I wasn't there when she needed me. Three days before her overdose, she had told me about her being suicidal. I made her come stay at my house, just to be safe. I let her go home on the third day. It was the biggest mistake of my life. She killed herself almost directly after she got come. It's just, she seemed so happy, and she seemed like she was actually getting better. I thought she was okay.
Asher, I don't think your fully processing what you have written above, because if your where, you would be seeing what you wrote from all angles.
"I was entirely blaming myself for her death", and here is one part of the bigger issue. You are blaming yourself for something
you could not control. Take note of, "you could not control", because it was out of your hands. She had already made up her mind, hence why she presented herself as happy and fine about life again. You are not to know the ins and outs of suicide, and the issues surrounding what makes it more prominent.
You made your friend come and stay at your house to watch her when she told you about the suicide, and that is what friends do.
You did what you could Asher, but April had already made up her mind. Look at it like this, when a person is hospitalized for attempting suicide, and they have made up their mind they are going to kill themselves, even being within a controlled environment with everything taken away from them that staff could possibly think they could use to commit suicide (and from experience of other patients commiting suicide), people still find a way, and the hospital staff still find them hanging themselves, or something else, something that gets them to their end aim, death. How can this happen, in a purpose environment that is made to safe house suicidal people? Because they have already made up their minds, thats how.
Asher, its not your fault.
And the reason I dont want to take the medication, is because I like seeing her. I like being able to talk to her again. I know I shoudn't, and I know it's stupid, I just.. I miss her so much, and being able to talk to her again is amazing.
I think once you divulge this with your therapist, and talk with them honestly about how this makes you feel, maybe you might think about going back to a small amount of medication, not to avoid your friend, but to realize that you must get on with your own life now, as she has passed, and you must move forward and not dwell upon the past any longer, because it is not doing you any good. Again, if April was such a good friend, then she would understand you doing this, so you can control yourself in the future without medications, live a healthier life once again.
