I Can't Do This

[serenity55]

My life is far too complicated, and I am trying soooooo hard but just when I find a moment of repreve. Everything falls apart and I loose it. Its too much and I am too broken. Its not going to get better anytime soon. I need a way out. Suicide ideation and parasuicidal thouhts are extremely high. I just want to say enough I surrender I give up. I am too much, I am too broken and now i am breaking everyone around me enough. Give in and be done because this is too hard and fighting this hard every day for a few hours of peace before everything explodes in me, in my face around me. It is too much.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear @serenity55 , I don't know you but I really relate to what you've posted and have been there myself. However you mentioned in another thread - *just yesterday*- you have started highly unerving couples counselling. I think it is safe to say that experience really exascerbated how lousy you were likely already feeling, you described it as very triggering. It's really common to have things feel like they crash down after the fact (at least that's my experience and I'm one to 'hide' it too). But for the sake of your H and yourself and others that love you, I hope you will be able to get through these few moments. Honestly I think 'thinking' sometimes made it much worse for me, better to concentrate on getting through the moment. And tell someone, such as your H. If only for the greater pain it would cause him to lose you versus help you I hope you will take that (brave) step, it's an easier one than what you've already done.

It's really bizarre but remember that the best signs that you are healing (and therefore will one day not feel this way or struggle this way) is the 'ability' to fall apart first (even though it's unwanted and uncontrollable).

Thoughts and wishes for you it will improve very soon, the better times will get longer than the despairing times if you have help and keep going.

:hug: if that's ok, welcome to you and hope you keep posting.

 

[serenity55]

I am trying to use all the tools I have but I am feeling more and more hopeless and now my husband and I are in a huge fight. I have no idea how to cope with all this. Probably I will find some way and be ok until the next time and then the cycle will begin again. I can't so it anymore. So tired of it.

 

[Tinyflame]

The cycle will break if you learn and take even small ways to break it and practise them. For one thing, I tell my brain's thoughts to "F Off". Remember ptsd is a liar. Your H is probably also responding out of fear.

I think 'trying too hard' didn't always help me. That's what I mean. Stop (I try to think of a huge red stop-sign) first. Self care in small ways. Don't try to think for your H (I mean, gently, don't presume he is angry etc at you, just because he is angry. You are both angry at PTSD). Pull back or express the difficulties being experienced in the couples therapy. It might be a bit much too soon. It's all in the timing.

Yes right now it feels IMPOSSIBLE. 'It will begin again' is worrying about the future. Likely as we fear it is, the future is too much to bear, as is the past (which is why we need to try to get rid of the parts of it that are torturing us). They are parts.

But your H and life are 'now'. There is a way you can (both) get through it.

Hugs Dear Serenity.

 

[madmax]

Ditto

 

[Changing4Best]

I find that taking a walk in nature sometimes helps, prayer too, asking God for His help cannot hurt! Be good to yourself, have some chocolate, it can help!

 

[Britt.f7]

Sometimes burrowing through the pain is the only way to get through to the other side. The better side. I was once where you are. I've been out of the darkness for quite some time, but, every once in awhile, it does creep back. I think I am stronger now and you will be too.

I hate fighting, but people do do this and it is okay. (for the most part, I'm sure there are exceptions). This does not mean it is the end of the world or that you are no longer loved or that the person is leaving. All thoughts that go through my head when I am fighting.

You can do this.