I can't get any relationship anymore

[LemoNadka]

It's been over 4 years since my last bf. And since the only relationship I've got or anything from hidden desires were through dreams. And lately I'm into a very weird struggle. I can't find any desires or any way to get a relationship anymore. Where I live there are few events around where I thought I would go to meet people, or anything. But I'm all alone, I know nobody here, and even in my dreams I was into my despair for a life. And then it all brought me to very unpleasant situations I sadly had lived in my life. And the lack of confidence and self esteem in myself is blocking me before I can even try, because for me I'm so damaged inside. I'm not living anymore inside my body. And I feel anyone who would see me would not want anything to do with me anyway. In a lot of books or whatever advices people give on relationships we are supposed to love ourselves before someone can love us back. I never loved myself. And I dont think this is gonna happend anytime soon. So I'm like stuck into my own abyss. And it brings me only pain. Because I feel the years passing by and think I'm gonna die alone. And it hurts so much

 

[Susan Jane]

It's been over 4 years since my last bf. And since the only relationship I've got or anything from hidden desires were through dreams. And lately I'm into a very weird struggle. I can't find any desires or any way to get a relationship anymore. Where I live there are few events around where I thought I would go to meet people, or anything. But I'm all alone, I know nobody here, and even in my dreams I was into my despair for a life. And then it all brought me to very unpleasant situations I sadly had lived in my life. And the lack of confidence and self esteem in myself is blocking me before I can even try, because for me I'm so damaged inside. I'm not living anymore inside my body. And I feel anyone who would see me would not want anything to do with me anyway. In a lot of books or whatever advices people give on relationships we are supposed to love ourselves before someone can love us back. I never loved myself. And I dont think this is gonna happend anytime soon. So I'm like stuck into my own abyss. And it brings me only pain. Because I feel the years passing by and think I'm gonna die alone. And it hurts so much

I hear you. I haven’t had a healthy relationship in years, before that a lot of unhealthy ones. I could probably find someone if I tried but I just don’t see that helping me to deal with my mental struggles, more a way to make things worse in my case. I thought a relationship would fix me for many years. I have learned that is not true for me. I feel lonely, and long for warmth, but the truth is my vulnerability makes relationships difficult for me and trust is a huge issue. It hurts yes, I really understand

 

[Mach123]

It's been over 4 years since my last bf. And since the only relationship I've got or anything from hidden desires were through dreams. And lately I'm into a very weird struggle. I can't find any desires or any way to get a relationship anymore. Where I live there are few events around where I thought I would go to meet people, or anything. But I'm all alone, I know nobody here, and even in my dreams I was into my despair for a life. And then it all brought me to very unpleasant situations I sadly had lived in my life. And the lack of confidence and self esteem in myself is blocking me before I can even try, because for me I'm so damaged inside. I'm not living anymore inside my body. And I feel anyone who would see me would not want anything to do with me anyway. In a lot of books or whatever advices people give on relationships we are supposed to love ourselves before someone can love us back. I never loved myself. And I dont think this is gonna happend anytime soon. So I'm like stuck into my own abyss. And it brings me only pain. Because I feel the years passing by and think I'm gonna die alone. And it hurts so much

I just want to offer some kindness because the worst times ever in my life were the times I had no relationships and I’m really sorry. I believe in Prayer instead of saying something like I’m putting this out there, and the universe and yada yada . So I pray someone just perfect comes your way!

 

[LemoNadka]

Thank you so much for your words and your prayer for me. I am religious, so I trust in God plans, but honestly sometimes I'm asking myself, Maybe God doesn't plan for me to get ever married and have children's before my age for having children's be over. I will have no choice than accept my fate. Tbh, I can't see myself having strength enough to live long if all alone. At the moment I already feel like I'm not living. And a lot of things I'm more sensitive to, and I know usually people aren't living this way. I was praying everyday, but lately I've stopped, because I'm running out of energy to still hope. My health was at a very critical state. My Iron, vitamins ( B12, D, zinc...) I had to get injections and I still have loads to do. My teeth are needed a lot of care, because there was some time I was so depressed I was going to bed without brushing, and even if I was brushing, I was eating during the night. Mostly sweets. So my teeth got rotten... now I'm trying to care for what I can. I'm reading a very good book on trauma ( The Body Keeps the score ) but I have days when I don't even want to do anything.. let's hope anyway thanks a million

 

[Friday]

What I’ve found, in my own life:

When my life is amazing and I’m utterly myself? I have amaaaaaazing relationships.

When my life is completely f*cked, and I’m hurting? I have seeeeeriously f*cked up relationships.

So I’ve learned that -f*ck the love yourself nonsense- when I’m ME? I attract people who like ME. When I’m f*cked up? I attract predators, assholes, and people who like f*cked up partners… for myriad reasons. None of which have to do with me, and all of which have to do with their own damage, and the prey they’re looking for. That it’s not about me, but I’m just a person-shaped hole/bandage/muppet for THEIR issues. IE when I’m f*cked up? I have people who either ONLY love me in pain, or who see me as a tampon for their own bleeding, to soak up and be thrown away after. Date… WHEN YOU LOVE YOUR LIFE. And want to share it with someone else.

From my own hard won experience.

 

[LemoNadka]

What I’ve found, in my own life:

When my life is amazing and I’m utterly myself? I have amaaaaaazing relationships.

When my life is completely f*cked, and I’m hurting? I have seeeeeriously f*cked up relationships.

So I’ve learned that -f*ck the love yourself nonsense- when I’m ME? I attract people who like ME. When I’m f*cked up? I attract predators, assholes, and people who like f*cked up partners… for myriad reasons. None of which have to do with me, and all of which have to do with their own damage, and the prey they’re looking for. That it’s not about me, but I’m just a person-shaped hole/bandage/muppet for THEIR issues. IE when I’m f*cked up? I have people who either ONLY love me in pain, or who see me as a tampon for their own bleeding, to soak up and be thrown away after. Date… WHEN YOU LOVE YOUR LIFE. And want to share it with someone else.

From my own hard won experience.

Thank you for sharing your own experience, that is really true. But for me to love my life is just not possible. I've tried for a lot of years. And I don't see it happening anytime soon. I've tried for years to think and work on myself, what can I improve in my social skills, what and when ( not wrong) but how it wasn't maybe the best or how it would been seen in the other person.. these kind of stuff. I've been very patient. Now it's been over 5 years since I've been in a relationship. In a way I would love to, but in the other hand, I don't really want to. So I tried through dating app, just to at least get someone I would like to chat with, for a start before anything, so really taking my time, not rushing, but I've haven't got anyone where you feel there's someone there you want to meet and get to know better.. I've read tins of books where it shows how to understand through what's written from a guy, and what it really says.. And this is where I've made progress over many years ago of my life. I've no longer continue anything when I see the " relationship " isn't at least bit equal to start with... with the level of interest, investment and so on. So I save myself from wasting time and energy. And I dont feel a rush anymore. Of course it does makes me sad sometimes thinking, months goes by, and everybody around me is with someone/ married / children's or one of the above.. and I've got none. These years of my life sometimes I feel hasn't really helped me to trust again, to be more confident in myself, with self esteem. And now I'm more and more isolated. I dont see the point like most of the time to do anything, to go out just to walk or visit somehting or a town social event, going to swimming pool as it's summer time.. anything really I used to do much more before, even if I wasn't happy with my life and now its worse. So sometimes I'm just thinking, I'm going to die alone, that as I've failed most things in my life, I'm only going to get failures anyway. Very very HARD to be positive in any ways. This is what they say in books too, to love your life or self before you can have someone to love you back. That maybe true, but I also CANT believe everybody on this planet earth has done that before they got someone it's just impossible. Some people are just lucky when they have someone who chose them beside their living situation. And without having someone toxic. Then they begin to love their lives and self more and more. Because they have someone that helps trough the love they received. Unfortunately that happen really really rarely.

 

[Susan Jane]

What I’ve found, in my own life:

When my life is amazing and I’m utterly myself? I have amaaaaaazing relationships.

When my life is completely f*cked, and I’m hurting? I have seeeeeriously f*cked up relationships.

So I’ve learned that -f*ck the love yourself nonsense- when I’m ME? I attract people who like ME. When I’m f*cked up? I attract predators, assholes, and people who like f*cked up partners… for myriad reasons. None of which have to do with me, and all of which have to do with their own damage, and the prey they’re looking for. That it’s not about me, but I’m just a person-shaped hole/bandage/muppet for THEIR issues. IE when I’m f*cked up? I have people who either ONLY love me in pain, or who see me as a tampon for their own bleeding, to soak up and be thrown away after. Date… WHEN YOU LOVE YOUR LIFE. And want to share it with someone else.

From my own hard won experience.

So true….

 

[Susan Jane]

I do get this….loving life…is a high bar. I will go with content. I understand isolate I have been doing it for a long time. I started with help to go walking, swimming and it is hard to be there alone. I have trouble trusting people and that mirrors my not trusting myself and my choices. I am trying to listen more to my instincts. They are always right, I just don’t like them, because it means I stay alone. Work in progress

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

Please don't t think you will never find someone, or that they will never find you. Many here have had the same thoughts.

Each year I look back and see my life is very different from what I expected the year before. Sometimes good, sometimes very bad.

I have had a very bad couple of years, still fighting to resolve things that may have no resolution.

I have met more people from dealing with adversity and fighting to live than I did isolated and trying to recover. Many have been very kind but did not understand, and I did not understand.

Others including some I have known for a long time turned out to be quite unpleasant.

Still experienced things I hadn't before, learned, healed some things, although have new things to heal. It's shown me there is always a different path, more opportunities.

No matter how unexpected or unlikely, good things can still happen if we are open to them. From what we suffer and deal with it is possible to read into someone else's intentions and actions too much. People with no trauma do it all the time.

I dont think you have to love yourself, believe in yourself, you are worthy, you deserve something good. Be safe, ask questions, trust but verify and good things can happen.