I can't stand my nightmares.

[jo may]

Hi everyone,

This morning I had a very strange dream about my heaven baby Ben and my youngest child Angel.
In the dream they were laughing and joking, so you'd think happy dream?
Wrong I felt panicked and when I woke with a start I saw Angel wasn't in bed, so in blinded panic I jumped out of bed and started calling out her name.

She came up telling me daddy wouldn't wake and clean her bum, so I did and I tried to forget the dream. But I just can't and I'm stressed, panicky and I just can't think straight.

This was made worse when I fell asleep this afternoon by mistake and had another couple of nightmares. Always in the same order my ex raping and beating me which is bad, but I hate the next dream more. I guess it's still raw and in my heart, I dream I'm miscarring again I wake sobbing and my husband spends the next hour or so calming me down.

But the difference in this afternoon's dream was after he'd finished, he said "I'm going to take away everything that matters to you". This has never happened before.

Now I so scared I can barely breath, as the only way he could ever hurt me again is my children.
I mean I love them so much they keep me going, if anything ever happened to them I have no reason to be here.

Yet I know deep down he doesn't know where I live now and we watch the kids all the time, so he couldn't do anything. But it doesn't stop me going mad with worry and I actually was sick after the dream.

I know this makes no sense but could anyone offer me some wisdom and advice please.

 

[discovering me]

Pain, anxiety, stress plays havoc on our dreams. I have had several in which my abuser was still taunting me some how, some way. I have had some peacful, God driven dreams. I have had a period of 3 years where I was having dreams, where my entire family, extended family as well were all being killed off. I've had dreams of being burned in which I could actually feel the pain. Some of them I can't totally see the connection and some are just really crappy dreams that I wake up in a panic and can't fall back to sleep.
I have to say, when I participated in the EMDR, my bad dreams went away.

 

[Lionheart]

I don't really have any wisdom for you, but I do want to recommend a medicine for nightmares; it is called Prazosin. It is a blood pressure medicine discovered by the veterans administration to help stop ptsd nightmares. I have been on it for several months and it has completely stopped my nightmares, without any significant side effects. I had disturbing nightmares about death, pain, loss, fear etc and this medication really helped me. It might be worth asking your pdoc about.

wishing you peace,
LH

 

[mamachick]

jo may-Im sorry I have no wisdom but I can certainly relate to your dreams, fear , and anxiety about it all.
I had a violent ex husband that raped me when I was about 19 and had a 2 yr old. Then he stalked me for a year or two. Years later after re-marrying and having 2 more children, I began nightmares and ptsd symptoms. I had a re-occuring dream that I was trying to lock my sliding patio door to keep him from getting in but it would not lock, the latch would not catch. (I had a door that did this at the time) I would dream I was working in my sleep. They were not nightmares but they were stressful. Eventually I had Epstein Barr and was diagnosed with CFIDs and Fibromyalgia. I know about exhaustion. I had the same fears that you describe-him hurting my children.

I like Lionhearts suggestion, I was not aware of this but it sounds great. Looking back at a time with small children and all the energy that it takes, I realize the importance and value of good sleep and good nutrition, exercise, and time for yourself.. Often easier said than done. I guess what helped me the most was addressing my fears and beliefs (many were irrational). I participated in a co-dependency group and did a lot of reading and addressed the issues that I did have control of. For myself, I think it was the feeling of not having any control of my world. I eventaully took an anti-d for sleep and that worked well for me also. I know that dreams set the mood for wake up, and stress (even unconscious thoughts) sets us up for dreams and unrestful sleep-a vicious cycle.

Lastly but likely most importantly for me was related to my fear of my children being hurt. I addressed that in counseling. Like you, I felt that was my life. Yet we cannot sleep with one eye open to protect our babies. We either have to address in early on or later when they are older, but the sooner the better. For me, it meant actually writing down everything that I was doing to ensure the safety of my children-then challenging them. (if I didnt hear breathing , a wimper, or movement on the baby monitor every few minutes-I would go check). Some of my protective thoughts were irrational and I had to address them. Then I had to make a list of what I could actually do to ensure their safety-ie, who I would have babysit, car seats, choking precautions, emergency numbers, etc. The things that nobody could possibly be prepared in advance for I had to give to God. I had to take a leap of faith and believe in a guardian angel in order to not harm them with my fears. That takes the most work, but helped me the most in the ever changing world of their growing up because they turn 16 and take the car out, go off to college, or like my daughter, at 19 go to Spain for a month with school. Its still tough-but faith in what I cant control has helped me.

Wishing you a full night of peaceful sleep

 

[jo may]

I don't really have any wisdom for you, but I do want to recommend a medicine for nightmares; it is called Prazosin. It is a blood pressure medicine discovered by the veterans administration to help stop ptsd nightmares. I have been on it for several months and it has completely stopped my nightmares, without any significant side effects. I had disturbing nightmares about death, pain, loss, fear etc and this medication really helped me. It might be worth asking your pdoc about.

wishing you peace,
LH

Thank you I will ask about it as I really can't cope with my dreams anymore.
JM:)

 

[jo may]

Hi brat17,
Thank you so much for sharing that with me, I had a couple more about my youngest angel and my ex scatching her. But I know he couldn't as I am always with my husband:)

I think I will talk about it with my T in the next meeting.

Thanks again.
JM