I Can't Stand This Kind Of Life

[Lady of Longbourn]

I'm having problems with depression right now and my mood has been up and down since the late spring when I had a mixed episode and it didn't get stable again very long before it would change again. It's been stressful and I haven't been able to depend on myself. I often get depressed in the fall time (seasonal) but it's been more of a sure thing this year.

My doctor has changed medication and she changed it again a few days ago. I realized after I got the new medication that I actually didn't want to take it becasue I was unsure I agreed with the new medication change. I've never refused a medication before. I don't know if I just need her to reassure me or we need to think about different options.

I also recently tried to adopt a dog for a companion and to get out more knowing it would help my health and routine. The dog ended up not working out. She was hard to give back to the recuse because she was a wonderful dog but we couldn't give her some basic things she needed; a backyard as we live in a apartment. But for some reason my mother, who only knows I was having problems with the dog not that we give her back at this point, kept yelling at me, and thinks I am "always giving up" and that I can "make it work". We can get another dog that works for us and that beautiful dog can easily give a family that can give her what she needs. I guess I just realized that is what my mother really thinks of me. That really stuck with me.

The giving up my mother said is making me think about how my health really messes with my college all the time. Giving up classes becasue I can't focus, memory problems becasue of new medication. Not being able to handle as many as I hoped becasue suddenly my mood changes. That hurts every time. "Why" my mother repeats over and over again when I dropped a class last term.

This depression is bad and I worry how long it will last this time. I'm trying to try the things I know help but sometimes I think about how easy it would be to just give into the depression and just ride it out. Just embrace it...it's been around for so damn long. I'm so tired honestly. I've noticed I've been not doing a lot of things I normally do when I feel better for months now and the latest issues just hurts my health more.

All the people problems...I've been withdrawing. That's actually unusually for me. I will sometimes still in for a day or so and re-group but I'm even avoiding my therapist and help. I did email him...but I still didn't make an appointment.

I keep waiting for things to improve and they don't, not really not enough to matter. Past few days my husband as been out of town and I sit in the dark a lot. I'm probably spending to much time alone. I'm going to try to do something to me in the morning and get out of the house. I know I need to push myself, keep myself on track or I'll get worse.

 

[ms spock]

I hope you can get out for some time Ayesha. You have had a very full plate for awhile now. I was hoping the dog would be a nice distraction for you, I think you were proactive and responsible in returning that dog.

Are you taking your medications?

I was wondering about you today and I hope you are okay.

It is not easy what you are going through.

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

Feel for you Ayesha. I deal with depression and all the problems that come with it. I changed meds last spring after a major episode, and felt better, but with winter coming my symptoms are worsening and I just don't have the energy to even want to fight it. I'm worried about losing my job. I don't do well with making or keeping doc appts. I don't want to have to be responsible for anything. All which makes me feel worse about myself and adds to the cycle. I'm sorry you are dealing with this, but know you're not alone.

 

[scout86]

but sometimes I think about how easy it would be to just give into the depression and just ride it out.

I have a library book here, about learning to trust, that seems to recommend something like that. The author is Buddhist, I'm not going to pretend I understand the philosophy behind the idea, but it sounds very much like what you've said. He recommends that we sit with our feelings without judging them, just experiencing them. That we just take note of them and let them go. Sounds a bit like what I've read here on radical acceptance too. I'm probably not doing a good job of explaining the idea, because I don't get it myself (yet). For what it's worth, there it is. Maybe you can find a better explanation and maybe it will be helpful.

Meanwhile, take care!

 

[joeylittle]

He recommends that we sit with our feelings without judging them, just experiencing them. That we just take note of them and let them go. Sounds a bit like what I've read here on radical acceptance too.

That is a great deal like radical acceptance.

I think it's tricky with what I'm going to call chemical depression - the depression that isn't situational, isn't tied into PTSD, is instead the brain chemistry being out of whack. @Ayesha, I really understand that question - do I just let it happen and ride it out, or do I keep working hard at managing my responses to it - I want to encourage you to keep working, but make sure it's not pushing you past your capacity.

Like, the more compromised you are by depression, the less capacity you will have overall. So it's OK to break things down into simpler components. When things are bad for me, actually getting out of the front door is a major challenge. I need to break it down and not necessarily expect myself to go as far as I might be able to when I'm not as bad. So, getting up is a thing. Taking a shower - major accomplishment. Putting on clean clothes - gold star. And if doing all those things leaves me feeling a little better, then I can go for that walk. If they have worn me out, I'll take a simpler thing as a next distraction, like do the dishes. And try to not get frustrated with myself.

I don't know if that makes sense - but I think for most people with a chemical component, we get used to pushing so hard to get back to baseline, that the further from it we are, the harder we push. It helped me a lot when I learned that actually, that's more of a recipe for failure; it's OK to adjust your expectations downward.

When commitments are involved like work, school - I just feel for you. I said to my therapist just yesterday that I wished so hard I could take a break for the next 3 months and focus on myself again. But (for me), I did time off not too long ago, and I'm still making up income from then. So I'm trying to figure out how getting the work done can be somehow part of my own self-care.

If you can take time off, and you think it would help, and you could put yourself more on a full-time "Ayesha-first" kind of schedule (therapy, self-care, sorting out things with your psych and med combo), then personally I'd recommend it. But if you can't, I hope you can cut yourself some slack while you are walking through the depression sinkhole. It takes so much energy, existing while being depressed. If nothing else, I hope this (super-long) post can validate that you're not alone, and it's hard, and it will change - it always does. Maybe not into sunshine and rainbows, but it changes in different increments daily.

Thinking of you.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Does journaling about the depression help you? I also think you are being too hard on yourself, you just moved and that is traumatic. I wish you the best. I hope you can find the root cause of your depression.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Are you taking your medications?

Yes, I am. But not the one I am uncomfortable with and need to have a discussion with my doctor about. I haven't been taking the one it was going to replace either.

Sounds a bit like what I've read here on radical acceptance too.

It's a funny idea actually. I understand it; accept the depression but it sound funny to embrace it. I get it though. You have only so much fight and sometimes maybe it might help when you stop fighting...maybe? Maybe then it gets easier to deal with. Maybe you can find new paths.

I'm going to call chemical depression

Agreed...

I want to encourage you to keep working, but make sure it's not pushing you past your capacity.

Yes. And really I am tired of that all at the same time. I really wish I had more in my life then mental illness. It's been like this for months now. I know my therapist keeps saying 'mental illness doesn't define me' but really...defining my life.

the more compromised you are by depression, the less capacity you will have overall.

Body and mind. Mind is the worst. I hate it when my mind barely works. It's why I kept going on in the above post. I normally don't in my posts and just keep it short unless I'm in my own diary but I just kept going and going...I was overwhelmed and coherent enough to express it and isolated enough to really feel it.

If you can take time off, and you think it would help, and you could put yourself more on a full-time

I can actually. I am only taking one class this term and I have already thought that in the spring it might be best for me to not take anything since I haven't been improving much. I don't really want too but it might be best.

That actually sounds like a good thread. "mental health full time" or something like that since I wouldn't know where to start. I would worry that I would get bored or lose focus. Maybe other people would have ideas.

Does journaling about the depression help you?

I have a forum diary Gizmo and I do journal about depression...it helps a lot. My whole journal helps a lot if my depression will let me focus.

 

[joeylittle]

I really wish I had more in my life then mental illness. It's been like this for months now. I know my therapist keeps saying 'mental illness doesn't define me' but really...defining my life.

Oh, I agree with this statement so hard, a thousand billion times over, YES. It is so beyond frustrating. And soul-killing. I just wanted to share that I know this feeling so well. Ugh.

Yeah, mental health full time. My psych helped me put together a plan because, without it, I would have been really really lost. I did a combination of IOP, therapy 2x a week, one outside group, and then daily goals just for self-care. I also did an experimental treatment for depression. It was a full schedule, but manageable, because really I just needed to show up.

I have already thought that in the spring it might be best for me to not take anything since I haven't been improving much. I don't really want too but it might be best.

Definitely worth considering.

 

[Recovery4Me]

I want to offer that I feel for you in this season, but all the words stumble together and just do not shine in a way that allows more than a stunted connection. But I am sincere.:hug:

If I lived closer, I would come with a gallon of your favorite ice cream and some great chick flicks. Always made us gals feel better afterwards. Or then there is always shopping for new sexy shoes, yes? Just know, that I am rooting for you to feel better asap.:tup:

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

great chick flicks

Do you like Pretty Woman? I'm watching that right now. :D

 

[ms spock]

Yes, I am. But not the one I am uncomfortable with and need to have a discussion with my doctor about. I haven't been taking the one it was going to replace either.

To me that is a no, if I am understanding what you are saying that you are not taking the new medication or the one the new medication was going to replace. I know you are struggling with medication.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I guess it depends on how you look at it. I take 5 total and I'm not taking one of them....normally I would agree @Ms Spock not taking one means not taking all (if that is what you are saying?) but...I know it can't go on doing that. I know how important medication is and what not taking it can do but I need to talk with my doctor first.