Relationship I could use another viewpoint

[tantan56]

My wife and I have been married for 1.5 years and she was diagnosed with PTSD when we had been married for 8 months. Growing up, I battled with chronic depression and a pornography addiction that I used to self-treat. I dated my wife for almost an entire year before we were engaged and I really grew to love her and I knew that she loved me. I hadn't ever been in a serious relationship before. Now that I think back, there were a lot of things (especially early in our relationship) that happened that I now think a normal person would have raised some red flags and reevaluated the relationship.

However, since I was so depressed and my self-esteem was so low, I just thought that I didn't want to lose her and I could make things better for her. I had been in and out of therapy for my depression and porn addiction but I didn't start taking anti-depressants until a few months before we were married.

Anyways, I knew when I was marrying her that she had some issues and I felt like I could help her and I believed that she would be able to overcome her issues with my help. I also felt like I was "damaged goods" because I knew I was depressed and had struggled with porn for so long (I was doing better by then). Despite the intense stress our relationship caused me at times, I loved her and I thought I could help her.

Long story short, we had a lot of issues soon into our marriage and I didn't know how to handle it and we fought a lot. Things were worse than I had first thought and more issues seemed to come out of the woodwork once we were married. We started seeing a therapist and she was diagnosed with PTSD and started seeing a therapist regularly. 10 months have passed since then and I know that she has been making progress and I have been making progress with how I deal with my own emotions and how I react to what she is going through so that I can be happy.

I am at a point now where my depression does not control my life and I feel clear and free. My wife is still struggling a lot with her PTSD but she is doing better than she has ever done before during her lifetime.

The problem is that because of what we have been through, I now am feeling like we shouldn't have gotten married. I was dealing with mental illness and so was she and had I not have been suffering so much from depression, then I would have urged her more to get therapy earlier and may have not even gotten married to her altogether. Had I known what things would have been like I would not have married her. I feel really bad saying that because I love her, but our relationship is really hard at times. She has a lot of other issues because of her PTSD and sometimes it doesn't really feel like I'm married to her so much as just taking care of her like a parent would. I feel like the way her condition makes me feel is some dark secret and I feel bad when I see other couples our age not dealing with issues like this. I love her but I resent her, I understand that it isn't her fault and that its all being caused by her PTSD, but that doesn't make the pain go away.

So I don't really know what to do. I love her and I want to stay with her, but I wish that I hadn't married her. I want to help her to recover from her PTSD, but its hard to have hope that we will ever get to the point that I want to be. She is my family, but I don't want to have kids with her anytime soon because of how she reacts to stress. I feel like I'm trapped and I put myself here, but now I don't want to or feel like I can free myself because that would require leaving her.

So yeah, I should probably start seeing another therapist since the one I was seeing moved out of state a few months ago. If anyone has alternative thoughts, views, or whatever, I would love to hear it because I really don't like where I am right now with this.

 

[anonymous]

First of all, everyone brings with them their own crap into a marriage. No one really knows what they're getting into when they get married, because that's impossible plus all people change to some degree.

She's been diagnosed and is getting help and now you want to get out? I say GO! Let her get healthy and find someone who's loyal and loves her no matter what!

I'm not sure what you envisioned marriage to be like, but there are plenty of days, months and even years I can hardly stand my spouse. But, there are days, months and years I can't imagine life without him. Marriage isn't easy, but if you're not in it for the long haul, then do her a favor and move on.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

our relationship is really hard at times

Oh mate they all are. All relationships are f*cking hard work. You would probably have felt like this even without the other stuff. You were dating during the honey moon period and got married straight into the shit.

see other couples our age not dealing with issues like this

You don't really know what's going on with other couples and what they are dealing with. Everyone has the baggage they take into relationships and everyone has struggles in a relationship.

I'd say it's pretty normal to feel the way you do. The relationship survives if you both decided it's worth the hassle. Maybe it's not worth it right this second but in a month or 3 it might be.

It's hard, this is what it's like being in a relationship you can bailout but the next one will be hard too.

Sometimes it's just not right. sometimes it's not worth the hassle and that's ok too. It's not good for either being in a relationship that's just not right.

 

[anonymous]

I think my dad could write this post in another year.

Seriously.

A number of family members suspect he's got depression and he's engaged to a chica with major mental issues of her own.

He told me that they bonded over their miserable lives. (I kid you not.) Misery is not a bonding factor. He won't listen to anyone's concern for him and he has thrown away at least half of his family (some for dumb reasons and false assumptions as if he needs a reason to throw someone away.)

My mom says one day he will wake up. But the thing is, it will be too late.

If you want out, get out.

So many parallels. My dad has low self esteem. (He took the very first person to come along.) Hes also a fixer. (He sees her as a wounded puppy that must be saved at all costs...and damn if the costs aren't astronomical!)

His relationship is doomed.