I Couldn't Say No Today

[Justmehere]

My therapist highly values her clients being able to say no to her. She thinks it is a very important part of the healing process.

Today, she asked me to role play saying no to helping professionals - because I'm scared of how to handle helping professionals offering help I'm not comfortable with. I was ok with working in that. We were talking about trauma where my no was trashed and she wanted to make sure she knew it was ok to say no, in her office, where there is no danger... She role played being a helping professional offering to schedule an appointment for me. The goal was for me to then say no thanks and experience any anxiety that it triggered and work through it.

But I couldn't do it. I could not say anything. We have done role play before, that isn't it. I suddenly couldn't speak. Which is a kind of no. I eventually told her, "I don't know why, but I suddenly feel like that's really dangerous to say no." And she pushed. She told me it was safe to tell her no... And I got scared. She was trying to tell me how good it was to face this, and trying so hard to convince me, and I got so scared to speak at all. It was quite strange.

Then she said she realized she was pushing me - to help me- which is exactly what I was scared of. She caught it really fast.

So, she honored my fear, honored whatever weird boundary that we were hitting up against, and honored it and we put that away and worked on something else. I didn't really want to work on something else.

I really wanted to say no, I don't even know what happened or why I am so scared. I've told her no before!

What is wrong with me?

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I can so relate to your inability to say the word no. I was as a child never ever allowed to say no to anything. So my life was pretty much a big mess as a result.

The first time I called a therapy group all I wanted was information and before I knew it they were making an appointment for me. I just could not say no and that is how I started therapy.

It has been many years but I have finally learned to say no to many things now with the occasional relapse. You can do this as well. I have confidence in you that as you continue with your therapy you will learn so many things that will help you and the day will come when You will be able to say no to people.

Please do not be hard on yourself because you do not yet know how to do this. In time you will grow stronger. Baby steps. Hugs.

 

[Chava]

I had a similar situation with my therapist asking me to push away with my hand and also try saying "stop." My hand felt really weak, shaky, going numb...I was able to push but was quickly disconnecting from my hand. I couldn't vocalize anything though and when I tried I just had a meltdown (bizarre how scary it was, but it was terrible)....overwhelmed crying, curling up into a tiny ball and feeling like I was burning through my skin. I still don't know what that was about, but obviously something.

It seems helpful to at least recognize how hard some of this is, doesn't matter if it seems like it shouldn't be. This is the sort of thing my therapist would likely call a "freeze" response and it's very yucky....like a painful no-win situation all over your body. In the past probably "no" or "stop" would have meant greater harm and so to it becomes super-charge and simultaneously weak. To change it is likely a very careful and slow method of rewiring that protective response...over-writing with adult responses or the ones we wished we could have used. Even trying slowly and in a trusted place, I can't do it without falling apart and losing all ground. The steps have to somehow be even smaller for me to assimilate.

 

[FindingMyself88]

((hugs)) I can so relate. I have issues saying no and also saying what I need. So my T is always asking "what do I need?"

You WANTED to say no, that is a start. I think like others have said, us victims of childhood abuse and stuff of the like were never allowed to say no, or if we did it was ignored. I think your T seems very intuitive and could tell you needed a break. As for not wanting to stop, I've been like that before too. I think we just want to PLOW forward in therapy and have no sense of our limits. My T tells me that I have TOO much enthusiasm sometimes, that I push myself too hard too fast. Your T seems wise and caring, trust her to help you. Know that you wanted to say no and that is a start. You can do this.