Sexual Assault I Did This To Myself-destroy Not Recover

[I_will_recover]

I lived a successful desirable life. Lived in an amazing major metropolis, had a good job, friends, family, pet, social calendar. It took years to get to that place through life lessons, self help and a therapist and psych. I worked for years through childhood sexual/emotional abuse and depression bad enough to need a hospital stay. After *years* I was less than 60 days away from wrapping up/closing out this therapy because I was in a great place. I envied my own 30something life... And then I was raped by a man (like a father to me) I'd known for almost 10 years and my life imploded. I'vie since lost my job, my friends (all but 1-who I have not disclosed to), my apartment, my pet passed, my T went on maternity leave two months after my assault (my psych became my T), my entire paternal family all passed away with a year (dad, granny, uncle), and I had to move back to my home state to a mother who caused years (still does) of emotional damage. So I moved in with my mother last year and lived (if you call barely getting out of bed, bathing and socializing with only one person, constantly fearful of my mother, no support system and suffering with crippling PTSD as living) as long as I could. My T & I stayed in touch but not enough to abate the upheaval and suicidal thoughts ruled every waking moment. I was desperate and T was super concerned so we (me because it was ultimately MY DECISION) decided I should come back west in a desperate attempt at salvaging my life - meaning literally saving my life from suicide. This decision was the lesser (ha!) of two evils - I came back to SF (most expensive city and lately unfriendly people) with no roof over head, no job, a PTSd disability (I've applied for disability with help from my T but with little hope) and no support system outside of my T available. This evil is keeps me safe from my mother and the miasma of despair there. Now here in SF with my belongings (clothes in a large suitcase) at an old neighbor's, my carry on phone/iPad and purse with me & a rsvp at a co-ed shelter with twice as many men as women I'm too afraid to sleep in (fights, theft, unsafe for women).

Tonight I sleep without having fully bathed in 3 days (I discreetly sink bath in the restroom) and 24+hours at the airport sleeping on chairs because it's safer than the shelters. I still look presentable (combed hair, nice clothes, overnight luggage) and like a person fully engaged in life with smiles to boot. I'll be here at the airport on this bench 4 more nights and crash on a couch for a week then??? I guess this is now my life. THIS is the lesser of my evils. I chose this. There is no more recovery here than I had before I returned. My moniker is a joke. I CHOSE this. If I return to the south than all I make is another CHOICE. But no choice leads me to recovery. My choices leave me on a path I feel leave me NO CHOICE but to destroy myself not recover.

How did I get here!?!? My life... I'm homeless. I literally cannot comprehend. Literally. The beauty of my life prior was the stuff of dreams. It really really was. Now my life is a sleeping pill induced nightmare. I'm going to take that pill now and try to get some sleep.

(I just needed to write this to get it off my shoulders). Thanks for just reading this.

 

[EveHarrington]

:hug:

I respectfully disagree that you did this to yourself.

 

[Nevermore]

@I_will_recover
You didn't do it to yourself. It sounds like you are still in confusion and disbelief of the wounding caused by the rape.
If you've never experienced that feeling before it's hard to comprehend that it's happening to you, that psychological emotional damage is real and can't just be wished away or willed away.
I'm really sorry that happened to you!
You didn't choose this, but when you're ready and can accept that what happened to you has had a huge effect upon your life, you can choose to seek help to recover.
It's a relief once you do accept that, but I understand not wanting to.
Everyone wants to feel in control of their own life, it's confronting to realise you can't solve this on your own.
I hope you're safe!

 

[Casey_03]

I'm sorry you've been through all that and are still struggling. But just from reading your post, it is clear that you are exceptionally strong, and you're still fighting now to get yourself back on your feet. I believe you will succeed.

 

[aut555]

Totally understand the mother part however a safe place to sleep with a roof over your head is important. How about the mother situation but go directly therapy and possibly meds. to heal and tolerate mother. From there get out of apartment or house and go to the library or where ever you can hangout away from mother's toxic energy. Because therapy is important, and safety is important. Just a suggestion. LA has a lot of help for woman, not sure what Frisco has but try to look for woman's shelter is another possibility. Have you applied for any type of state benefits? Those offices usually have other leads you can request info for. Free counseling, job assistance, etc.. The road is tough but do a little each day so that you feel you are accomplishing something. Good luck to you, keep the spirit, you can recover but you need to seek help. Ok?

 

[hodge]

I agree with Aut. You need safe shelter on your own and my guess is that the only way you'll get that is by SS disability. I know it sucks. And it's a real pain to get approved, but I think it's your best bet right now. You'll probably be turned down the first time -- most everyone except veterans are -- but find a disability appeals attorney for the next phase and you will get it without much pain. And the attorney can only take a percentage of your back pay. Good luck. The sooner you start the application process the sooner you will be approved and the sooner you will be able to get your own place again.

 

[Gs172003]

I'm going to have to agree with the rest. Mom might be a pain but she's safe and a place to get on your feet. She's temporary. Go there, get things together and then get back out in your own when you are ready once you are healing.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

Im so sorry for all you've been through, @I_will_recover, and where you now find yourself. I agree with @hodge, that SSD is your best bet for just staying safe with a roof over your head, but you have to be prepared to be turned down once or even twice, and then appeal.

I have a few thoughts about local resources: (1) I recommend that you contact the SF Bar Association and ask about pro bono lawyers. I believe they have a program called the Volunteer Legal Services Program (VLSP), but I'm not sure what issues they cover. You are not just homeless and disabled, but a crime victim, so I don't know if there are any funds or resources for you from that perspective. (2) Also, I wonder if SF WAR (Women Against Rape) might have some resources? (3) Check out the local law schools, as well. Many of them have programs or clinics that help people with a number of issues, including housing and disability appeals. (4) Local schools that have a counseling psychology program might also have therapy resources or programs where you can get some help or emotional support. (5) Finally, do you know of Glide Memorial Church in the Tenderloin? They do tremendous work in the community, and might be a place to get some spiritual healing as well.

 

[Sandstone]

I'm glad @Lola Nocheprieta could offer you practical suggestions. I have none of those, but I want to recognise your courage and strength in making the decisions you have. It is the same strength as you showed in picking the name @I_will_recover and it is the reason why that name is true.

I can't agree with any of the comments that you should move back to your mothers. Someone who can cause

years of emotional damage. ..lived... constantly fearful of my mother...suicidal thoughts ruled every waking moment

is not the person you need around you.

That overwhelming defeat you are feeling now is a lie, told to you by PTSD, by depression, by childhood abuse. The true you is the one who worked through years of therapy and growth to a good place. You know you can do that, because you have done it. Even now you are dealing creatively with your truly horrible situation. You say you have four more nights at the airport and then a week lined up on someone's couch. That is nearly two weeks of a plan, and in that two weeks you will have time to find the next step. I'm not saying any of it is easy, or will be easy, but in reading your post I see a woman who is strong. I believe you can do this.

 

[hodge]

Oops, sorry. I reread your post and see that you have applied for SSD. That's great. Again, chances are you'll get turned down (as I said, it seems like everyone but veterans get turned down the first time), but definitely get an attorney and appeal. Hopefully they will help make it so you don't even have to testify in front of a judge. There must be tons of disability appeals specialists in a city like that. I found one here in the middle of nowhere USA. And, again, there's no fee for this. They just take a percentage of your back pay once it's awarded. I don't know when you applied, but I'll bet that within 9 months of appealing, you will have a nice big check and can get yourself a place to live. And a pet or two! Hang in there and try to look forward to a better life to come. Because it will eventually.

 

[I_will_recover]

@Sandstone

Thank you. I needed the reassurance that my mom's is not the best place to be. She means well and Lord knows she has suffered a lot in her own life but she doesn't have the skills to be compassionate towards me or herself.

@hodge
I'll stay on top of my SSD. It's a crazy long process but it will be worth it financially. I didn't know they would do backpack. It's sad how disability funds provide me a sense of security when little else does right now.

Today I'm feeling better and the next week and a half seem manageable. I'll be hanging out with my 1 friend where I will do laundry and watch tv today. I found a place to crash on a sofa for the next two nights so I'll only have 1 night at the airport for 11 nights!

Thank you all so so sooooo much. I fought back tears (because I was in public at the airport) after reading all of your replies. I feel lucky for this site. It keeps me going one unsteady step after another.

 

[aut555]

@Sandstone

Thank you. I needed the reassurance that my mom's is not the be...

So good to hear you are managing. You are in my thoughts.