Sexual Assault I don’t know how how to deal with my emotions anymore.

[rape_survivor]

I don’t know how to deal with my emotions anymore. It’s like one day I feel like I am doing just fine and I am smiling, then I just fall down again and have bad days where I can’t handle this heavy pain inside.

First I want to start by saying, yes I am a rape survivor. I was raped by my ex-boyfriend in 2016. I reported my rape and there was a big long trial happening, which led to a not guilty verdict. I remember that day I was devasted in tears I couldn’t believe it. It was to much to take in that day, I tried my hardest and I used my voice to try to get justice but nothing at all happened.

Let me take it back to the day he raped me, I felt so embarrassed and ashamed and disgusted all over my body. How can a person like the father of my children have raped me?!?! For a long time I felt sad and so depressed I turned promiscuous, but it wasn’t where I had so many partners, I just felt like I had to cope some way, so I would have sex. Thinking of this made me cry and feel very low about myself.

Then the nightmare that I am still living happened, which was that I went back to my rapist arms and I had consensual sex with him multiple times. I just wanted to be in control of my body this time, he took a lot from me that day he raped me! Why not paint a picture where I see the good in him, it was so hard to accept the fact that he raped me. I just couldn’t bare with being a rape victim by someone that I once with and had two beautiful children with. I just wanted to forget that horrible day that destroyed the person I once was.

I feel like less of a rape survivor and insane for what I did, sometimes I tell myself maybe it never did matter, I deserved it. Every time we had sex it was rough like that day he raped me but there was a big difference still because that day he raped me he was strong against me and forceful, while ripping my underwear off my knee, and glass all over the sink from me trying to stop him.

As I am typing this I had to stop and go to the restroom and cry and yell in a bathroom towel, so quietly as tears fall down fast and be careful not to be heard. Nobody thinks I’m suffering in my house, but I am here writing hoping to be heard and answered because I know I am not alone.

Those times where I coped when I was around him I knew he raped me I was fully aware, and I know I was not good at all. It was sickening to me one day he apologized to me for “that day” he called it, saying he was “too rough”. I thought to myself he knows he raped me and just mentions that day as if he was just a little to rough on me and hurt me, that day I went home and threw up because I felt disgusted with him. And it continued like this for 3 months where he would buy me things such as flowers, chocolates, bras, bikini and would take me to eat and to motels I felt like that was one of the worst things because I just now see it as if he did it because he thought he owed me something for what he did to me.

I finally had the courage to stop this because it really messed me up. I can’t carry one single day where I don’t think about this. My intentions were never to be with him at all in a relationship, I just wanted my body back I wanted power. Makes me sick to think he wanted me to be his girl. He is the crazy one not me. And now I live with the fact that I slept with my rapist which now I am in a deeper depression where I feel nothing but worthless.

 

[Freida]

You did NOT deserve what happened. You did nothing wrong. You were a victim and alot of what you are feeling is normal

If you aren't seeing a therapist please do. They will help you understand what's going on in your head and help you figure out how to move forward.

 

[EveHarrington]

It’s not uncommon for trauma survivors to attempt to conquer the trauma and write a different ending.

Please be kind to yourself. :hug:

 

[Friday]

My husband, the father of my child, raped me. Many times. I slept with him afterward.

That’s super common with marital rape.

And it’s no stranger than staying after being hit.

Physical assault, sexual assault, it’s still assault. It’s still being betrayed by someone you trusted. It’s still something he chose to do to you.

Never accept the blame for evils others do.

He’s the one who did that. You staying doesn’t create a time machine that alters history to you raping yourself. That sounds insane, right? But emotions have a way of making things that are completely illogical “feel” sensible. So out on paper, in black and white...What did you do? You stayed. You had sex with someone you loved. Those are very normal acts. You didn’t rape yourself. You didn’t rape him. 2 very different things. Staying vs Rape.

3% of rape charges get convictions. That he wasn’t convicted? Doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, or if it did happen it’s your fault. Again, you didn’t rape yourself. Far less than 3% of spousal rapists get convicted. IDFK why. To either percentage, actually, but it’s like people’s brains turn off when it comes to sex. The average person can tell the difference between a “Hey sport!” punch in the arm, and punching someone out of anger, much less beating someone. It doesn’t matter how many times in the past they punched your arm “hello!” Or how many times afterward. Beating you? Wrong. Crime. Guilty. Goodby. But the average person freaks the hell out when it’s sex & rape.

You’re also not responsible for other people being stupid.

I’m not a big fan of “it’s not your fault,” panacea. There are things in my life that I knowing exactly how much I am to blame -for what, where, when, & how- is extremely important. So I don’t whip out “it’s not your fault” to make anyone feel better. Ever. A hard truth can be gotten through, but lies kill. I say it when I believe it’s true, full stop.

@Freida, up above? Is another straight shooter.

So when you have 2 people who aren’t shy about telling you exactly where you f*cked up, telling you the same thing? As will others, undoubtedly? Listen. Even if you don’t believe it. But I hope you do. It won’t make everything all better, knowing and believing what he chose to do wasn’t your fault. But it will make it easier to deal with your own problems, by not claiming responsibility / to be the one at fault for other people’s problems. Raping people? That’s one of that asshole’s problems. His fault. His blame. His responsibility. Don’t take that away from him, like he’s some kind of helpless baby in your care. You’re not responsible for his actions. You’re not to blame for his actions.

Truly...
- Never accept the blame for evils others do.
- You’re both not responsible for stupid people, and really should try not to listen to them!
- You tried to be normal. In the face of an extraordinary event, you tried for normalcy. That’s not a crime. And that’s not wrong. Rape is. Trying to be normal doesn’t make you guilty of rape. Just like if you tried to be normal after being assaulted doesn’t make you guilty of assault. It’s a hard lesson to learn that trying to be strong, and to do normal things, because both of those are right, right? Strong, and normal! Good things!...Aren’t always the best choices. But they’re not insane choices. When push comes to shove, what did you try to do? Things that you’d always believed to be the right thing to do. Every step of this path, from beginning to end, you tried to do the right thing. That says good things about you, not bad.