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Deleted member 39857
Well I'm feeling not suicidal, but sure as hell no one cares. Well my so called wife might but only because I'm her only means of being able to survive in the world. She's very childlike, never learned to drive, no job, can't cook, just lost her financial aid due to excessive credits attepted, and no family to run home to.
My mother who was my only defender and love died 15 years ago. After all was found out what happened to us she did the right thing and sacrificed a new house, new cars, a large bank account all of it and sent my father to prison and have never seen or heard from him my entire life.
All I can cause in life is misery. My wife when we first got married shortly after she had a miscarriage bursting my bubble I had built up. I needed my appendix out, she got hurt at work. We lost our apartment, had to move in with her mom, tried to move to Oregon, couldn't find work, moved back to California with my sister. My sister, who when I was 5 did things to me.
My sister literally kicked my wife one night and threw her out. My wife went to her mom's. One day I was out trying to get us a place and was told too bad I didn't make enough for low income housing. Feeling my world worsening on that day I slipped. I used to have a problem with drugs. I was clean for 6 years until that day. Have been clean now again for years.
This became a bad habit again, whenever she had a miscarriage and there were a few more I went off alone to deal with my anger at God but I hurt her. Instead of us grieving together I accidentally hurt her. She began talking to men at that time. Now years later I fear that it's too much to recover from. After learning she was talking to guys I told her to leave. A few days later a very close friend revealed she has had feelings for me. Sent me a beautiful pic nothing nasty. I too cannot lie but had the same feelings but both of us are not those kind of people.
Soon after asking several persons opinions I was going to proceed with a relationship with her only to find out she was talking to 4 guys. Armor up no one gets in. I feel so foolish for thinking that she wanted me not the best potential choice. She crashed her car and attempted suicide, so I guess her feelings are genuine but now I'm causing pain. Apparently I'm causing everyone pain, my wife for years and now potentially my new interest, well I guess not anymore.
My wife is here and makes me depressed. When I asked my friend if it was too early to go to a work thing at Applebee's and she said yes I put on Justin Timberlake Can't Stop the Feeling and danced through my house scaring my cats, we didn't go she couldn't get a babysitter. I haven't danced in years. Now instead I have been sitting in the dark with Think from the John Wick soundtrack on repeat.
Last night my wife needed medicine so we ran to the store even though I didn't feel like it, on the way back I mentioned I had a headache no caffeine. I wanted coffee but no just go home. No rub to help my head no nothing. Sex yeah right, she has literally any reason to say no. UTI check, a rash here or there check, I think my period is coming check.
I feel like a clown nobody will miss until he's dead. I can't stop thinking about what could've been with my friend. Like after seriously appraising my wife I realized I am unhappy with her and now I have potentially lost someone that made me feel alive and actually liked and loved me but my wife's inability to care for herself is something I can't handle. My wife doesn't seem to care about me only if she's losing me. My friend has been there 24/7 even in my darkest times. Plus my wife promised all the changes but already it's a joke. She weighs now 264. My friend used to be similar but she cared enough about herself to be alive.
I'm sorry I'm lost rambling on. Not doing anything serious just lost. I've put posts no one reads, no one responds. Just like life and Edward Scissorhands, "oh I have a doctor friend that can help you" and no one ever got him any help either. Good luck peeps if anyone ever even reads this either...
My mother who was my only defender and love died 15 years ago. After all was found out what happened to us she did the right thing and sacrificed a new house, new cars, a large bank account all of it and sent my father to prison and have never seen or heard from him my entire life.
All I can cause in life is misery. My wife when we first got married shortly after she had a miscarriage bursting my bubble I had built up. I needed my appendix out, she got hurt at work. We lost our apartment, had to move in with her mom, tried to move to Oregon, couldn't find work, moved back to California with my sister. My sister, who when I was 5 did things to me.
My sister literally kicked my wife one night and threw her out. My wife went to her mom's. One day I was out trying to get us a place and was told too bad I didn't make enough for low income housing. Feeling my world worsening on that day I slipped. I used to have a problem with drugs. I was clean for 6 years until that day. Have been clean now again for years.
This became a bad habit again, whenever she had a miscarriage and there were a few more I went off alone to deal with my anger at God but I hurt her. Instead of us grieving together I accidentally hurt her. She began talking to men at that time. Now years later I fear that it's too much to recover from. After learning she was talking to guys I told her to leave. A few days later a very close friend revealed she has had feelings for me. Sent me a beautiful pic nothing nasty. I too cannot lie but had the same feelings but both of us are not those kind of people.
Soon after asking several persons opinions I was going to proceed with a relationship with her only to find out she was talking to 4 guys. Armor up no one gets in. I feel so foolish for thinking that she wanted me not the best potential choice. She crashed her car and attempted suicide, so I guess her feelings are genuine but now I'm causing pain. Apparently I'm causing everyone pain, my wife for years and now potentially my new interest, well I guess not anymore.
My wife is here and makes me depressed. When I asked my friend if it was too early to go to a work thing at Applebee's and she said yes I put on Justin Timberlake Can't Stop the Feeling and danced through my house scaring my cats, we didn't go she couldn't get a babysitter. I haven't danced in years. Now instead I have been sitting in the dark with Think from the John Wick soundtrack on repeat.
Last night my wife needed medicine so we ran to the store even though I didn't feel like it, on the way back I mentioned I had a headache no caffeine. I wanted coffee but no just go home. No rub to help my head no nothing. Sex yeah right, she has literally any reason to say no. UTI check, a rash here or there check, I think my period is coming check.
I feel like a clown nobody will miss until he's dead. I can't stop thinking about what could've been with my friend. Like after seriously appraising my wife I realized I am unhappy with her and now I have potentially lost someone that made me feel alive and actually liked and loved me but my wife's inability to care for herself is something I can't handle. My wife doesn't seem to care about me only if she's losing me. My friend has been there 24/7 even in my darkest times. Plus my wife promised all the changes but already it's a joke. She weighs now 264. My friend used to be similar but she cared enough about herself to be alive.
I'm sorry I'm lost rambling on. Not doing anything serious just lost. I've put posts no one reads, no one responds. Just like life and Edward Scissorhands, "oh I have a doctor friend that can help you" and no one ever got him any help either. Good luck peeps if anyone ever even reads this either...
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