I Don't Connect With Anyone

[anonymous]

I recently came to accept the fact that I haven't ever connected with anyone. No ability to feel any sort of closeness or intimacy.

It's like I have the human urges to connect with people but I'm never actually able to do so.

I've never felt love from my family, only tolerance. I don't understand why my previous suicide attempts and self injury episodes upset them. I don't understand why they "care". Most of the time I feel that they can't stand me so I'm shocked when they're actually nice to me.

A family friend committed suicide a few years ago. Of course I said "that's so sad" but most of my life is spent trying to figure out the appropriate thing to say in order to fit in. My mom has regrets about not buying something from him when she had the chance. It was $1K. He had money problems and to this day she remarks "if I only bought ______ from him, maybe it would have helped" as he was in dire financial straits. On an intellectual level I can understand why she's sad, but on an emotional level, nada. I just sit there and think well at least he's not in pain anymore. (Wife abandoned him, no money, alone, facing a lifetime of this stuff?) I just wish I had the guts to do the same, as callous as that may sound.

It may sound bad but my plan was to end my life after my parents died. I can understand the fact that they would indeed feel pain even though I can't understand exactly what that entails. I've known others who have done the same. They waited until their parents died and then killed themselves.

I don't even know where I was going with this post. I just get tired of being an island unable to connect with anyone. The trauma was so young that I don't think this is something that can ever be fixed. Although people seem to think I can just go to therapy and be fine.

There have been so many times when people have believed they had some sort of connection with me and I'm like "what?!?" when I hear them say this. A connection? What is that? Lol.

I don't know what I'm asking. I don't even know if there's anything that anyone could say that would help.

Thanks though.

 

[hodge]

I recently came to accept the fact that I haven't ever connected with anyone. No ability to feel any sort of closeness or intimacy.. . .
I just get tired of being an island unable to connect with anyone.

Baby steps? You have a good heart and soul. I can tell from your posts. So I believe you do have the capability, it's just buried under all the crap. You are a brave soul. The ultimate bravery is opening up to feel. And yeah, that means opening yourself up to others' pain too, sometimes, but you already do that on some level. If you didn't, you couldn't post the words you do.

It's never too late. As long as we breathe, we can make changes. Littles by littles.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

If it helps any, I feel the exact same way. No connection with a soul, have no idea why my dad would care if I died, he surely doesn't care about much now. Each time a person becomes a "friend" (which is only once every few years or so) they find a small reason to bolt. So no friends, no family, no one...then why am I still breathing?

But, something keeps pulling me. Some hope of a "normal" life. Some hope of something better. Maybe it is just idle ridicilous daydreaming but what if it isn't and I died before I found out? That question seems to keep me kicking. It may sound weird or stupid or ...? but it is the truth.

 

[Justmehere]

Have you ever worked with a therapist with experience with attachment wounds and disorders? It might help a lot. I wouldn't recommend "attachment therapy" per se, but a therapist who is educated on attachment disorders and how to help them change.

I have my own struggle with connecting with people. It's a little bit different but it's been profound and pervasive. Then I found a therapist who knew about attachment disorders and I have felt things I never thought were possible.

It could also be something on the diccoostaive spectrum or a number of other things.

There is hope. Lots of people grow up feeling this way because of early childhood trauma. It can change. It won't be easy but it will be worth it.

 

[littlestar]

A recent traumazitation left me unable to connect to people again and its not fun. Im hoping therapy helps as well. i think baby steps is right, and im trying to remember to focus on my own thoughts and feelings however minimal instead of trying to relate to others all the time. I think its like trying to get your heart, mind and body on the same page without observing what others are doing all the time. And i think it takes some bravery to be different and maybe see things from a different perspective than others. I shut down when others have reactions. Its wierd trying to be like other humans especially when i sometimes feel judged for what i may be thinking or feeling. my mom would always tell me i dont need to feel a certain way or was not thinking right instead of validating and accepting a range of human emotions, thoughts and feelings. its like being in shock all the time. thanks for listening. sorry so long. dont know if this is helpful at all.

 

[Eagle3]

I understand what you're saying. I have Asperger's as well as PTSD, and have never been able to connect with other humans, even as a small child. I just found out about the Asperger's, so I'm learning how that affects my interactions with people, and how some folks see me as harsh or unemotional, when I'm just being factual. I have a hard time reading and understanding body and facial expressions, and have to cognitively decode social situations and interactions. Its exhausting, and in a way has contributed to the development of my PTSD. I hope you find answers. Now that I know what the problem is, I can interact with people better, and my T is helping me find alternative methods of measuring connection with people. Apparently, the normal ways don't work for Aspies....

 

[Fadeaway]

I understand that struggle. Have you looked into attachment disorders?

 

[anonymous]

Resources around me for attachment disorders are few and far between. There's not much info online, at least not that I've been able to find.

It just feels so innate. I am not sure if I have much hope for things changing given how complex it all feels.

 

[Teasel]

I've felt very much like this, to varying degrees at different times. It's bothered me ever so much.

Like you I don't know that I could untangle the big hot mess of everything that could have contributed to this. Not quickly anyhow!

A couple things that do come to mind though are very low self esteem, and feeling disconnected from my self.

Think I recently realised that no one else could ever do a better job at rescuing me than I could. I can get help from others sure, but I'm the one that's gonna do it.

Also have been everyday writing something in a jounal with the aim of exploring how I feel, what I think what I like what I want to do etc.

And marking my mood put of 10 each day, noting anything that's helped me feel better or worse.

The idea is to help me reconnect to myself and it's helping. Was difficult to begin with but I guess that's understandable.

I guess it's possible that connecting with myself might have some impact on my being able to connect with others. And even if it isn't the whole answer, I enjoy it and it'll probably be good for me.

Also I'm trying out different things to add to my day, habits that are good for me and help me feel good. So, enjoyable habits as well as chores.Discarding those that don't do anything for me. So far what helps me most seems to be meditation, drawing dancing and a little walk in the park.

It took a huge effort and commitment to make myself do all this everyday to begin with but now I'm one month in, the impact on my mood and has been quite promising!

Feels like I'm gently waking up. Am less interested in things I used to do to distract myself ftom pain - TV, comfort heating etc because it's much more fulfilling to continue this project of building my life.

Am beginning to sometimes feel quite excited at the things I'm finding out about myself and what I care about and want to do. And what things or beliefs or people I can let go of because they bring me down.
Also feel some little bit of pride at being nice to me.

Hope you find something that helps you

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I recently came to accept the fact that I haven't ever connected with anyone. No ability to feel any sort of closeness or intimacy.

Before therapy I had to fake emotion and secretly wondered what was wrong with me seeing others feel feelings. I was a complete fake unknown to me until I got into therapy. Then came the crash.

I felt a lot of shame and self loathing but I do not do that anymore. No more self abuse of me in any form allowed by me.

Think I recently realised that no one else could ever do a better job at rescuing me than I could. I can get help from others sure, but I'm the one that's gonna do it.

Berlinda said about rescuing herself and that is what I had to do and chose to do. I stayed in victim thinking until I began to literally rescue myself.

I think that everyone here already said it all and I do hope that it makes you feel better and not so alone. You are so normal for what you have been through I think. I hope that you come away from this with fresh hope for you.

 

[DogwoodTree]

There have been so many times when people have believed they had some sort of connection with me and I'm like "what?!?" when I hear them say this. A connection? What is that? Lol.

Yes, this is familiar. :(

I also don't feel connected to people...I love others, but their love back to me only comes in as data, not "warmth" or "comfort" or "fulfillment."

Part of this for me is Asperger's, as Eagle3 also mentioned. My Ts and I are trying to sort out how much of my disconnect from humanity is trauma-related and how much is autism-related. The trauma can be treated, the autism can't. In the meantime, I'm trying to learn to live with this sense of inner isolation. Like you, it feels complex and hopeless to me. But I don't want to hurt people around me, so I keep going.

It really, really hurts to watch other people enjoying their connections with each other so much. I've had to greatly limit my exposure to other people's social gatherings. I've also done a lot of searching for things that do feel good for me (that are also healthy).

For me, it helps to find satisfaction in things that aren't dependent on relationships. I can hyper-focus on my work and special interests, and that's comforting and energizing. I've found that I enjoy spending time completely alone, so I've started going on silent retreats to a nearby monastery.

I've also learned that the anticipation of having lunch or coffee with someone I like can help give me a sense of having a social life, even if the time with the person doesn't actually result in a feeling of connectedness. The anticipation is better than nothing so long as I can live with the fact that it doesn't manifest in an actual sense of connection. I can plan something fun afterwards (like splurging on a little junk food or Star Trek reruns or whatever) so the disappointment of not feeling connected passes away a little more quickly, and then have other lunch dates and things on the calendar to build that sense of anticipation again soon.

I hope you can find things that give you some satisfaction and comfort, even if that's not people-related. It really, really sucks to accept that people are not a source of comfort, knowing full well that they certainly should be.