General I Don't Feel Like Much Of A Supporter

[kacee129]

OK - I know alot of you have read my other posts. I'm 64 - my high school boyfriend and I reconnected last year. At first it was wonderful, then out of the blue PTSD rears it's head. Fast forward. We had been living together at my home. In May we split up and he went back to Vegas. After 3 months he begged to come back. My response was always "you have to promise to get treatment". He has always said he would not because he won't take meds, won't go to group, etc. He got me at a vulnerable moment one evening and I agreed to him coming back. It wasn't long when his outbursts started again. He had made an appointment at the VA but during an argument he cancelled it, and would not make another.

So we decided it would be best for him to go back to Vegas. He left and I felt such a relief. But he needed to come back to get more of his belongings. When he came back during another melt down, he said he wanted to come back and that he wanted to try to control himself and here it was the second day back and he is going off again.

During this time I'm thinking why wasn't I involved in this decision? And also thinking I don't want him back. It was so peaceful when he was gone. I know I should have been honest right then and there, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. So I just kept telling myself maybe it will work out this time. Yesterday for some reason I was just feeling claustrophobic and anxious. I didn't want to be around him. Without going into the blow by blow, he went out, got drunk, and when he came home I was ready for a confrontation. We went at it and I told him he needed to go back to Vegas.

Fast forward a couple hours and suddenly he is the apologizing for everything. But to me it felt like manipulation. At no time did he say "I will get into treatment". And here I am again feeling sorry for HIM.
But what about me?

 

[amethist]

You need to look at the whole situation from as an outsider looking in, and then work out what is best. What would you tell a friend who was in this situation.

If you want and need peace and quiet without all of the rubbish that PTSD brings into your life, then tell him now, tell him how it is. It may hurt his feelings, but yours are more important at the moment. If your head and heart both say, "Send him back to Vegas", then send him back, with all his stuff in one go.

 

[WillyKat]

You have the patience of a saint. He's lucky, very lucky to have you in his life.

He has to make a decision and there are two options: get treatment or leave. Staying with you w/o getting treatment *cannot* be an option.

See, you cannot make someone get therapy/treatment. It would be great if we could but it just doesn't work that way. Even if someone is forced to go, the treatment often doesn't work. He (we PTSD sufferers) have to *choose* ourselves to go.

By presenting him with a choice, you're empowering him and protecting yourself.

 

[kacee129]

amethist: I would tell a friend to run for the hills. And I know that's what I need to do for my own sanity. It's the "what could have beens" that are hard to let go of.

WillyKat: I do know that I can't make him get treatment. I just don't understand why he wouldn't make that choice. And I know in my heart that he will never make that choice. And I worry about what will happen to him.

 

[Abstract]

I think the avoidance symptoms are one of the things that keeps people away. Lack of trust probably and I imagine some people find it extrordanarily hard to admit they need help and discuss their emotions.

There is no way on earth that it is an option to be with someone who is acting out and yet will not get treatmemt. In fact I think it needs to be a case of gettting treatment and showing progress before any change should be considered.

You did give him the option so it entirely his choice and responsibility to look at what he wants. I suspect he senses your indecision and counts on it.

Do you find your empathy has ended up getting you into diffiicult situations before?

 

[kacee129]

My head agrees with you. My heart is another thing. And to your question, yes my empathy has been key to most of my difficult situations in my life. I've managed to get thru them and I suspect I will get thru this too. I was just thinking that I know he will need to sign a lease when he gets to Vegas. That is a good thing. It will give him time to think and decide what he needs to do and also it will give me the time I need to be logical in this and use my head instead of my heart. I need to work on myself, to heal what it is in me that allows me to accept unacceptable behavior. That has been a pattern in my life. I'm hoping the time apart will lead to a healing for both of us. I need to hear from anyone what they think and how they would feel. Thank you.

 

[Abstract]

Maybe what would help you most at present, considering where you are with self protection, is to see how taking him back is not going to help him. I understand the slippery slope of an overdeveloped sense of empathy as that is part of my history too.

I can guarantee you are doing him NO favours by not making him face his behaviour and the state of his life by setting boundaries and sticking with them. Is he going to thank you? Not at all! Is it the right thing to do for him? Absolutely.

Sometimes with empathy we act in a way that helps lessen our own uncomfortable feelings. We feel others pain and that is painful and hard. There can be a kneejerk reaction to make it stop. That is not a good use of empathy (and that is without even looking at how this affects you).

A good use of empathy is as a means of understanding a situation and caring and then thinking what is the best use of that information. Sticking to boundaries isn't going to give you that instant relief from those painful empathic feelings but it is still the right thing to do.

Someone as avoidant of facing up to the trauma and his condition as your chap is is most likely to change if things get tough and someone is not saving him and enabling to avoid what life has come to. While you are there picking up the pieces he can continue to take his stuff and pretend it is yours. Give it back to him. He won't like it but it is the only way he is really going to get better.

Remember that feeling painful feelings and emotions is OK. Noone died from them. ;) Look at DBT and mindfulness if you haven't already. They are great for learning how to tolerate strong emotions.

 

[Hashi]

I need to work on myself, to heal what it is in me that allows me to accept unacceptable behavior. That has been a pattern in my life. I'm hoping the time apart will lead to a healing for both of us. I need to hear from anyone what they think and how they would feel.

Do you have a plan for how to work on yourself? I admire you for addressing this and being so honest. I wonder how you can best channel that while you have this opportunity. Putting some sort of structure and goals in place could possibly be helpful - I don't know what you think about that.

 

[kacee129]

I'm having such a bad day. I don't want him to leave. I don't want to loose him. But I keep telling myself he is already lost..
to PTSD. I keep going over and over in my head what I could do differently. I keep saying it is not his fault. I keep asking myself why I can't detach from his problem but not from him. I have no answers.

 

[Abstract]

I have no answers.

Kacee,
When I see how hard it has been for you to detach and to look after yourself then I think there is good reason for it. That something in you needs to be healed. I agree with Hashi that it is brave to start looking at patterns in your life - the big picture.

Be patient with yourself.

I keep going over and over in my head what I could do differently.

This is the problem. You are not that powerful. Most of us who get stuck in relationships are used to being made responsible for others behaviour and wellbeing. It isn't true. When you start accepting you don't have that power then it can start being freeing. It might also b a little frightening. You don't have control.

Concentrate on looking at tolerating the difficult feelings that are coming uo rather than him. What are those feelings? When else have you felt them? Does it remind you of anything in your childhood?