A perspective that may help you, I hope, is to consider your daughter. In that, do you want her to live her life in fear, that she is not allowed to live a life of her own because you depend on her, your very life depends on her to be there for you instead? Do you want her to have to feel at fault for your actions, and have it hang on her shoulders that mom's life depends on her giving up her own needs, her own happiness to stay at home with you...forever?
I became pregnant with my daughter a couple months after my assault, and even though I was only 18, I instantly launched into making her my world and focusing completely on her...or whatever guy I was with, but unlike men she has been a constant in my life. She will be 18 in a few months herself here, and over the past couple of years, I have felt complete panic over what I'm going to do with myself. The one person I am completely myself with, am comfortable with, who understands and knows me inside and out and whom I have spent my entire adult life with is going to leave me.
But, the one thing that works in her favor and in our situation is that my mother has preached my entire childhood that it was my duty to take care of her, and throughout the years demanded I let her move in with me...she has told me that no one will ever love me, no guy is going to marry me, the idea that I think that I could possibly share my life with anyone is stupid, Im going to die alone anyway and that my role, my duty and the only purpose I could have in life is to take care of her.
I never wanted my daughter to feel that way, and for the longest time tried not to lean on her too much. I want her to experience everything in life that I felt I could not have or achieve...and to be able to do that freely without me hanging over her head. The older she gets, the harder it gets not to depend on her...for weeks, months even, she will be the only person I talk to or spend any time with. She gets me out of the house, reminds me to eat, distracts me when I get too focused on something, breaks me out of my disassociative states...she knows that I need her. But at the same time, she knows that I want her out in the world and would never take the experience of life away from her. So I joke about how Im going to turn her bedroom into my home office when she graduates, and she jokes that she will make sure to call to remind me to eat and make sure Im not sitting around staring at the wall.
But no way no how would I want to be a burden to her, to make her feel the way my mom made me feel growing up..I know she will worry about me, I know that she loves and cares about me...and even though it takes a lot of convincing to myself, I know that she will still need me when she moves out, its not like the last time Ill ever see her or the last time she will ever think about me...she will still be there for me when she moves out.
...and I love her too, and will still be here for her too...but I want her to have everything I couldn't have. I want her to be happy and to go for it, get out there and get a shot at whatever she sets her sights on to achieve and be whatever she can without limits and all the confidence that she has a chance at it. Maybe I wouldn't feel this way, or be able to restrain myself as much as I do if it werent for experiencing limits, expectations and demands on me from my own mother. But I never want my daughter to feel that way, its a horrible horrible feeling.
I hope maybe somehow this helps you consider a few things?
