I Don't Know How To Deal With This...Any Suggestions Would Help.

[pandora]

Well...I went out!!! Had a great time. I have not had a night out or time to myself in a very long time and it was kind of my little reward to myself. I started out yesterday in such a good mood..I got to the hotel and I had the most amazing room at the Hilton, on the 18th floor overlooking the falls. There was a huge fireworks display and that was amazing.

I had a jacuzzi tub. lit candles, had chocolate, wine, music, bath salts, bubbles and for the first time in a very long time felt such a sense of peace and tranquility. I got ready and met friends, gambled a bit, ate dinner out..it was a lot of fun. Got up this morning got to use the jacuzzi again and I was feeling GREAT!!!

So...here is the problem. I got home..I was greated by my son running down the hall and a great big hug...yelling my name and my dog licking my face like crazy. Then......I hear my mother slamming things. I went downstairs and she looks at me with the psycko look...and says something to the effect of she does not want to see my f**king, rotton, little face. She then went on a screaming tirade. I was called just about everything...lazy, rotton, ungrateful, spoiled, bitch..all done in psycho mode. Of couse the tears started falling, I quickly started to dissasociate and kept hearing the words of a song..flowing like a river!...uuuggghhh

This was all brought on because the area that I keep my recycle in needed to be emptied...so I was lazy...blah, blah, blah. My house is spotless..and I really think that I am far from lazy. I have had a bad back injury, PTSD, moved, done rehab...I really think that I have been working hard..on top of having to drive to another city every day, daily to get medication. Anyway as she cat pointed out I should nnot have to try and explain why I am not lazy..uuuuggghhh

BTW...sorry, I freaked you out Wendy. I called her in a huge paanick attack and I was crying so hard I could not get the words out. She thought something really bad had happened to me last night. Thank You Wendy for helping me get through the worst part. She kept telling me to breathe. I finally was able to get the words out to tell her what happened and she managed to help me calm down.

I am just wondering what others points of view may be. i get that I need to set some boundaries with my mother..She had originally agreed to go to family counselling with me. Now she says she will not go. She is irrational, expects perfection and I really thought that because we have two separate apartments..it would be ok. I know when she gets the stove which just has not been done..then she will not need to come up here as much and that will help. That has to be a goal. That will help but how do you talk to someone that is a control freak, thinks shes right and will not accept anothers poit of view or opinion. How do I get her so do things when she absolutely refuses to go and talk to someone with me and she beleives it is her way and thats the end of it?

I am torn between being angry as I do not deserve this treatment or being sad because she really is mentally ill and needs treatment but refuses to. I need this to work, my son and I need a safe place to live. I need a little help...I can cope with it. It does bring me back to when I was a kid and then she would just kick me out. I had flashbacks all day of walking through my town...wondering where to go. I was on the psych floor at 15...because I had no where to go. Makes me so mad. Thank goodness I had just had the most amzing, relaxing 24 hours.

So...how the heck am I going to deal with this? How do I set boundaries when she will not listen and I am just wrong in her eyes.


I was thinking that I could give her a bottom line..get help or I will not take care of her. She has health issues and it is her greatest fear that she is going to end up in a nursing home and she has made me promise to take care of her here and never let that happen. I have been thinking all day...I can say that if she does not get help or treatment that I will NOT take care of her if and when she gets ill and I will put her in a nursing home. I don't want to threaten her with that but at this point...I don't know what to do.

Does anyone have any wisdom or advice because right about now I need it. I need this to work...I do not have any other avenues. I realized today..her freak outs are getting worse and about once a week she has me in tears, because she is upset about...well anything, trivial. I wanted to take something to numb myself so badly after this episode, anything... but I didn't...I wanted to though.

I honestly thought that the two apartments would make a difference but OMG....she goes psycho. I cannot handle being called names and I just feel like it is so unfair.:dontknow::wall:

 

[midi]

I think your mom was having difficulty expressing how jealous she was that you went out. Does she get out much? She purposely rained on your parade, which is a shame. She was the one being spoiled, instead of supportive of your good fun.

 

[Pixie]

Oh Pandora... I am firstly so proud of you for going out and having what sounds like a great 24 hours! That is such and achievement and I am so happy that you had a wonderful time.

Unfortunately, I think your mother is stuck in her ways. It sounds like she has used you as a verbal punching bag to vent her unresolved issues of anger and resentment for all your life. I think it has come to the point of having to do exactly as you have suggested and propose the ultimatum.

I am proud of you though for recognising that you deserve to be treated better than that and are willing to take the steps to protect yourself and what you have fought so hard for.

*hugs*

Rell

 

[Deleted member 541]

Pand,

Your welcome, and you know that you can call anytime that you need to, and I will always be here to listen...Yes, you did freak me out a bit, but it's ok, and I am glad that you are ok, and nothing really bad happened to you while you were out...

We have discussed this at length, many times in the past several months. You know that you need to be more assertive, place boundaries, and have consequences in place also......You mother KNOWS that she can do this to you, so she does. It really comes down to this. She does it, because she can......You basically allow it......

My suggestions still are....Discuss this again with your therapist. Make her see that this goes way beyond a temper tantrum for your mother, it is verbal abuse, and discuss it with your other friend that has been a go between to see if she can talk to your mother. Your mother needs therapy, but once again, if she refuses, then you are the one that must deal with the issue.......

 

[Deleted member 541]

Being sad because she has a mental illness and won't go to therapy......That is giving sympathy Pand, and we both know that sympathy doesn't work with mental illness. Your mother still needs to be responsible for her actions, whether she goes to therapy or not. Bad behavior is still bad behavior!!!!!......

 

[helena]

Hi Pandora,

Your mum sounds like my father.

I had years of that and put up with it to a point but once my mother died that was it. I have found the only thing that works for me is to be tough with him and to make sure I come through with consequences each time there is another 'tantrum' or outburst of emotion... whatever the cause.

He respects me more now than he ever did because I refuse to put up with his dramas. However, neither do I live with him or see him more than once a week so I am trying to imagine what it would be like living in your situation and having to apply that on a daily basis.

I don't know if you are able to talk about what happened with your mother without becoming too triggered, but if you can, I would suggest you lay the law down and if that means using the threat of removing her from your life, then so be it.

I am guessing, but I think if you show how much she has hurt you it probably wont do any good... just reading how distraught you were brought a lump to my throat and thank goodness you had Shecat to turn to. I would fight her with her own weapons - (sorry if I am speaking out of turn here but just explaining how I have come to cope and it has taken me years trust me) Show her your anger, your disgust at her repeated behaviour and at her verbal abuse - yes, it is verbal abuse. No doubt she is ill but so are you and you were happy, positive and feeling so good about yourself so why should anyone tear you down like that and use illness as an excuse?

I realise my own father is the way he is because of the cards life dealt him so I completely understand your own compassion and guilt coming into play here. It feels bad to judge our parents sometimes when we know they are a product of their illness, their own childhood etc. Nevertheless, she wont get better unless she has to. Fear of losing you and her grandson might be the force that drives her to at least curb her tongue.

Good luck and take care

helena
xx

 

[Mina]

Wow. I'm really sorry your mother is being so abusive, Pandora. Reading how she treated you, I'd have thought you did something really bad, instead of just having your recycling area full!

I like your idea of giving her an ultimatum and consequences. Whether or not it would work - not sure? I would talk it over with your therapist and see what he/she has to say and if they can suggest some strategies. If you decide to go with it, maybe you can role-play what you will say, how you will say it, and how you will respond when she becomes irate/psycho over what you've said (a likely outcome).

You definitely do not deserve to be treated this way.

 

[pandora]

My next appt is not until the 29th..I am going to call tomorrow and see if she gets a cancellation if she can squeeze me in. She was up here this morning as my son asked her for a grilled cheeze and he told me grandma is ok today. ( I was sleeping so we did not see each other) With him she is. That is good. I have a whiteboard on the fridge and I wrote on it. "If you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all!" I might have pissed her off but I do not care. She did not come up again and continued to display childish behaviour all day. Every so often i hear a cupboard door slam or a door slam...my wonderful hypervigilence, well that makes me just about jump out of my skin every time. I called a friend and we went out for supper because my anxiety was increasing so I went out. I cannot take a pill..so I deceided to change the situation and get out. We went for chinese food and when we got home, I sent my son down with a huge plate of chinese food for her. I just feel like my hands are tied. I guess my sympathy is really more of an empathy thing. I know she had a terrible childhood, suffered many losses, almost died in her car accident..blah, blah. I want her to not be so stubborn and just get help. I am also going to call my friend and have her be a mediator. I AM going to address this...She is not going to yell at me anymore, I am sick of it and her behaviour. I have been her personal punching bag for years and I have to realize, really realize that I deserve better treatment.

 

[BethRSA]

Pandora,

Thinking of you as you speak to your mom. You've made your life so much better through hard work and not giving up. Now, it's time for your mom's attitude to get sorted out.

I'm sure it will not be easy, but you can do it. :thumbs-up We're here for you!

:Hug_emoticon: Beth