I Dont Know How To Say This

[xraydave]

Hi I am a 20 year old who suffers from PTSD (w/ dissociative and psychotic features), and a strange transient depression, and anxiety and OCD.
I am also a university student who studies law and various other subjects as part of it. I've undergone some seriously intensive psychotherapy, and discovered myself. However, even then, I have found myself here again. It's like there is no one that i can relate to in this world, anymore.
The only girl that has ever fallen in love with me, I only know through a virtual world, and I cant start relationships, mainly because I am so quiet and no one wants to be around me. I can't be at peace with people or myself, because of anger - I drive people away, I am either quiet, or I argue with them and drive them away.
i worry i may be a narcissist myself. Ive suffered at the hands of narcissists , people who I was supposed to look up to in my family, and I cant stand anyone having look down on me since, and today i realized how even the slightest aspect of my trauma, of me running up the stairs, has led to develop this perfectionistic personality, that aims to regulate every faction of my life till it is unbearable for everyone.

i hate having problems with memory, i hate how it is shot. like i cant remember what i just saw. and that' s part of a memory deficit, i hate how i cant understand 'what i am supposed to be doing' and social contexts, and i hate even more how i start thinking i have a myriad of disorders like NPD or autism. in the end, i just dont know what to make of all of this, and i hope someone understands.

i hear putting one's thoughts out there is a good thing. here are mine.

 

[Unknown Victim]

It's surprising that you remind me of me when I was your age. At that time in the 1990's, PTSD was not a garden variety acronym. I'm old and recently been diagnosis with PTSD and I may have autism and social isolation. You may be a step ahead of me of knowing you have a disease and accept it.

Now, I'm by myself and I don't crave companionship. I don't know what else to say or write, but hang in there.

 

[Sideways]

Your title for this thread may be how you feel, but actually, you've expressed what you're thinking really well.

One of the traps that we fall into sometimes is thinking that ptsd is something that we can put behind us. Our trauma will always be part of who we are. The recovery process is a long one, but eventually, it helps us to know ourselves on a level that I think a lot of people will miss out on in life. But that's an ongoing learning curve, it never really completely stops.

The other issues you're having, like OCD, are definitely things you can (and will) overcome with some work. Being in your early 20s and studying law (and this honestly isn't intended to sound patronising), you may have discovered yourself through psychotherapy, but you are going to keep changing and growing. Life after uni will be different, and you'll change - so "knowing ourselves" is a constantly evolving journey.

But change is a good thing. The guys who seem to be attractive to girls now - that'll change. You have qualities that no one else on this planet has, and that's going to be attractive to someone. Give the girls time (they're still growing and changing too!), and give yourself time. There is life beyond the right here and right now for all of us:)