I Don't Know How To Talk About Sex

[Ashley w]

I'm new to this page and so happy I found it. I've been in therapy on and off for approx. 10 years and am finally seeing a trauma therapist. We've been working together 2x a week for 2 months. Today she asked me if I thought sex with my partner was triggering and I froze. The last time I had sex with my partner was over a month ago because I had a panic attack. I didn't know how to verbalize this to her. How do you get comfortable talking about it.

 

[Chava]

Time and being comfortable with the therapist. My guess, if she's a decent therapist, is that your response was her answer anyway. When I freeze or can't verbalize things my therapist doesn't hound me to respond verbally. Are you able to nod your head or shake your head or anything to at least stay in contact with her versus space out (if that happens)? It takes me a long time to warm up to a therapist...years, not months. So no rush, I hope. But also, I just avoid sex, so it's not a topic (and that's not a good answer, but that's how it goes for me).

 

[Friday]

There are simply things I cannot talk about... Until I'm in a space where that's exactly what everyone is talking about.

Caveat : That they actually know what they're talking about. Civilians talking about war, virgins talking about sex, people who don't know jack? They talk a lot. That'll shut me up faster than just about anything. But if I find myself in a scenario where people who know what they're talking about are actually talking? I can relate? I'll talk. Not at first. It has to sort of normalize first. Then I can kinda maybe sort of talk around a subject. Unless I'm pissed off. Then I'll probably say more than I ought, and clam up again later, even harder than before. Shrug. Basically, things simply have to normalize first.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I agree with Chava, it can take a long time to trust your therapist. Can you explain to her next time you go how her question made you feel? Don't try to rush yourself into saying things that make you uncomfortable.

 

[Rumors]

I am not sure, but is this really a trust thing with your therapist or just a taboo thing to discuss? Talking about sex in a serious manner for most people can be uncomfortable. Just remember that folks with the most "normal" sex life without trauma would struggle. The additive of trauma makes it feel very vulnerable and raw. That would make me cringe as well so hang in there! Take your time... Rome wasn't built in a day.

 

[watundah]

Mine asks about it probably on a quarterly basis. Which is about how often my partner and I have sex. I believe she and my partner both believe it should be more frequently but after 20 years w my partner I'm bored. I go along with the topic and after a couple minutes of no news to report we move on. She offered to help if I ever want it but I would be mortified to get sex advice from her.

 

[finding_my_way]

It took a long time for me to trust my T, but when the trust is there, you will be able to discuss this. I had to start with e-mailing thoughts on this topic to her; could you e-mail your T or write a letter and hand it to her? I am a virgin still, but my first sexual encounter was a sexual assault where I was terrified for my safety, only a few weeks after my first kiss ever (I'm in my early 20's, so you can see that the assault was rather unfamiliar to me even from just the literal standpoint of what he was doing to me/making me do to him). When I tried to have sex with a bf later, I had a panic attack and a whole slew of other reactions. It took me months after the assault to even mention that, hey, by the way, I am a virgin so there's that added element. It took months more to explain the after effect that led to my breakup. It's still an uncomfortable subject for me, but by slowly building trust with her and telling her what I need for that trust, I finally could just say anything to her (and I do - sometimes still in e-mail, though, if it is super personal). For me, trust meant asking for more information about who she is and learning about her family, history, etc. in order to feel more at ease with her. It will become easier for you, too. Just stick with it.