I don't know how to wrap my head around... does not compute...

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I have NO IDEA where to put this - in my head or on the forum. It's about a discussion I had with a relative yesterday, but the side effect of it was a horrible flashback, dissociation and seizure (possibly dissociative - need to go to GP for tests) for which I ended up in hospital.

When I cut ties with my paternal family, it was because the abuse they knew about they normalised and accepted as being ok, as long as my father was ok and I shut up. After that the more I struggled not only with my symptoms, but also watching a perpetual cycle of abuse happening latching on to other loved ones serving as constant triggers. I made one rule with myself: If someone doesn't believe me that's ok, but I want nothing to do with them.

And yet my maternal grandmother, the longest of my abusers (but not the worst - narcissistic and occasionally physically abusive), somehow manages to violate that rule completely and yet I can't escape. In fact I don't even know if violating the rule is even close.

She laughed. At many things. The three that hurt the most were when I said that I hated myself, that doesn't she remember when I was in hospital - I had a miscarriage and when I said I was held down and they took it in turns. I don't know what could possibly be funny about any of those things, but she really did laugh. When she laughed about me hating myself, she said, why do I hate myself? To which I replied in desperation and distress and not knowing how to respond, "Have you ever been raped, can you possibly understand what that can make you feel?" - I realise now that this was a question she couldn't (and wouldn't) answer, but she laughed and told me she would never let anyone do such a thing.

After the last straw (that it was funny they held me down and took it in turns), I already knew I was way past gone. I'd been dissociated since before I left home to come and despite that I was still aware of a rapid pounding somewhere far away when I first arrived at her home. I had a flashback in front of her and my mum (I have always tried to keep them hidden, for me as much as anyone else), apparently I was gagging and choking and my arms were jerking around. My eyes rolled back in their sockets and my eyelids fluttered rapidly. I came to be aware of my environment a few times before being able to stop the memory enough to hear my mum desperately trying to ground me and my nan asking me to stop being hysterical so I could book her plane ticket and her and my mum could keep talking.

Mum helped me get to the car, I was so wobbly I could barely stand. I remember the anxiety I was feeling and feeling distant and out of myself, I remember her sitting me down and my gaze being fixed on a leaf and then a caterpillar and outside my Nan was insisting "it doesn't matter, she's lying. I'm certain it's all lies". I remember losing the tiny bit of awareness I had and nothing until my mum had driven half the way home - at which point my eyes were moving involuntarily, yet were apparently rolled back and my eyelids were rapidly fluttering, I felt dizzy and could see flashing lights and I still felt very dissociated.

My mum took me home and gave me lorazepam and then later, still unable to see or stop the fluttering of my eyes she took me to the hospital. I couldn't even tell if they were open or closed or where my eyebrows were. it felt like I was having REM whilst awake, my mum put frozen peas on my eyes because they were swollen (and have since bruised badly).

Yet I will still have to see and interact with my Nan, it's unavoidable. Why does my rule not apply to her? I don't even know how to respond or what to feel in response to her words, I'm sure I must feel angry, upset and hurt, but I can't and I don't know how to resolve this. I'm so confused.

Sorry for the long rant, I'm looking for anything: Similar situations, similar seizures, similar victim blaming, sympathy, something else or just to know that someone's read it (if you have: Here take this medal!).

:confused:

 

[open eyes]

I can relate to a few individual parts of this, but not really the whole picture. I was sexually assaulted by a female & the first person I trusted enough to tell said something along the lines of "ew, that's disgusting, why didn't you just push her off of you?" It made me feel even worse about it, & made me feel like it was my fault for not being able to stop it. Having someone invalidate you like your grandmother did to you by making it seem as if you "let" it happen to you, is an awful experience.

I'm pretty sure I had a convulsive seizure, but I was alone when it happened... It was after I had self-induced vomited well over 20 times in a row. I was extremely dissociated & also panicking, but then I remember falling to the ground & just as you put it- a few times I was aware of my environment, seeing colors & lights & blurry images but never a clear picture.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that whole experience. Confronting my abuser was retraumatizing for me & I can only imagine it was for you.

 

[Justmehere]

Wow, your grandmother had a horrifically flippant and invalidating response about your trauma and abuse. It's not ok she doesn't believe you and treated the way she has - both in the past and now. I'm so sorry for all you are having to endure. Your reaction is very understandable.

Physically abusive people don't typically have good emotional regulation skills. Her laughter could have been her way of managing her nervousness. Her response that she wouldn't let someone rape her - that's passive aggressive victim blaming. That's what terribly insecure people do when they can't handle the reality that abuse happens beyond our control. What you describe of her also fits in with very narcissistic ways of behaving.

It sounds like you have this rule that people who don't believe you are out of your life... and that is a good rule. It also sounds like deep down you know your grandmother is an abuser, and you still very understandably also want her to know what happened and for her to validate and respect what you have been through. I wanted that too from my own family. It's ok to want that. It's awful to not be believed.

Holding those two ideas together - this is family, and they are abusive - those are difficult ideas reconcile together.

Our families are supposed to care about us and we naturally have a strong connection with them - and why we are most vulnerable to be hurt by them. It's why people often develop dissociative defenses and reaactions - to hold away the pain of the reality of two seemingly conflicting facts - this is family, the people who are most supposed to support us AND they hurt us and are not going to change.

I think your task now is to accept that she is not only an abusive person, but that she is not going to change and understand why abuse is wrong, and to set up boundaries to keep yourself safe from her. That's a big loss to face. In time, I think you will. For now, I would follow your rule, and stay away from her, and not share more vulnerable information with her. Do all you can to remind you that her reaction to her was about her, and not you. It does not make the hell you went through any less valid or real. I know you intellectually know this, but it takes time to really sink in on a deep level, and contact with abusers can really shake things up and make us doubt ourselves.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I am so sad that you are going through this. She is toxic to you and I hope you will be able to come to the place where you can finally disconnect with her. You deserve to be believed and validated and vindicated.

I never confronted my father but I managed to help shut his day care down and he moved far away from the state I live. He died and he will never hurt another person again.

You deserve so much good. I hope you find it for yourself and I wish you well in the choices you make regarding her and your own well being.

 

[KwanYingirl]

My dissociation can be quite severe with neurological changes. Yours is much more serious than what I've had, I'm glad your mother took you to the hospital!! Did that bother you that you ended up there? Do you get any warning signs that these seizures are imminent?

My step grandfather was my first perpetrator when I was 4 or 5 years old until I was 12. I lived in a very violent home and was the lost child in an alcoholic home. I was very fragile and sensitive. Traits that my family enjoyed exploiting for entertainment. No one except my Aunt Katherine ever came to my defense. She also refused to have anything to do with my paternal evil grandmother and the aforementioned rapist.

I have also in my life been strangled and left for dead by a drug crazed thug, drugged and kidnapped while on vacation, two other assaults and finally I was about poisoned to death at the hospital I worked at. My father never acknowledged my presence my whole life. I refused to go to his deathbed. He was dead to me long before. My mother allowed my father and siblings to torture me and shamed me for being such a baby. I was also her indentured servant. She claims that it didn't bother me when I was strangled and later in life when I told her about my sexual abuse she said she knew he was like that. No hug, no dismay, nothing. When I was so sick from my chemical exposure she went behind my back and wrote a letter to my 15 year old daughter. She told her I was not a good mother and she should move to Florida and live with them.she promised her they would pay her college. My daughter showed it to me she was very upset and I will NEVER forgive that woman.

I try to keep these people at a state away from me. My sisters are chain smokers and know my chemical sensitivities make it a matter of life and death to be around smoke. They just call me an f***ing a******

I don't want anything to do with any of them but somehow I get sucked into their vortex. I have to say no!! I have had to take myself to the hospital twice after a family get together. I arrive at the ER in such a state of tremors and freezing cold and overwhelmed with just driving my car.

We don't get to choose our families. I beat myself up when I get sucked into their evil world. I have adopted the mothers of a couple of friends that I admire. Wonderful, loving women that make me feel worthy. I wish my Aunt Katherine was still alive.

It's not healthy for us to end up in hospital!!! One of my sisters lights all her scented candles when I go to her house and then she sits next to me and blows smoke in my face. These are evil people. We deserve to be honored for the hard work we've put into healing from abuse. I think your greater good would be better served with your Nan out of the picture. I know why you dissociate. It makes perfect sense. I'm glad you made it through that seizure. You must feel just lousy from them. Stick to the winners and eliminate the narcissists.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Thank you for all the replies, I'm not really ok to respond right now as everything is instantly exhausting and overwhelming, but I have read them all and I am grateful for the fact that you read and responded.

 

[KwanYingirl]

Sending kind thoughts your way