I Don't Know If I Can Do It

[Maryann V]

Therapy has been helping me and I trust my therapist. But she has told me that we need to begin talking about " what we have been avoiding". I know that means the actual specifics on what happened to me. She knows I was molested, by whom and certain details. But I have not gone into the real specifics and don't know if I can. There is just so much shame associated with it. I know that some people have been actually raped, physically beaten. I feel (or have convinced myself) that what happened to me isn't that bad. Maybe it shouldn't effect me this much because it wasn't "that bad". Maybe I could have stopped it. Maybe I let it happen. I CAN'T TELL MY THERAPIST THAT. I should have stopped it! Why didn't I? I am so ashamed. I was walking home from a store and a severe sense of fear came over me. I don't think I can do it. The fear of me being looked at as an idiot for having this totally take over my life when others have had it so much worse is totally winning over the possibility of actually helping myself by talking about it. My next appointment is Monday and I am actually thinking of cancelling the appointment.

 

[anthony]

There is a partial aspect of going into details that sufferers don't understand, being when you fear talking about the event. It means there is a psychological wall there that nobody can get past, until you want them to.

I would start out with writing it down, then hand that to them to read. Then agree to introduce gradual aspects in sessions... until you're comfortable letting it all go without the fear or shame.

Just remember, you have nothing to be ashamed of... you are the victim in this.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Maryann, Have you considered telling your therapist exactly what you've told us? It would help her understand a bit more of what you're struggling with. And rather than simply jumping in to details, she can guide you through the disclosure process while helping you deal with the issue of shame.

And TY Anthony for not being afraid to use the word victim! I see so many throw this word in the trash because it has a bad connotation. But really, if we were never victims of one tragedy or another, would any of us be here? No, we wouldn't. (Its kind of like skirting around a word just to stay in denial, if that makes sense! Its 3 am here and I really need to sleep!)

 

[DharmaGirl]

Oh, Maryann, I feel for you! I am starting that part of my therapy too and I cringe at sharing. Yikes, I think, I can't tell him that!! You are probably done with your appt, mine is tomorrow. I keep repeating to myself-Its not my fault-over and over. I am convinced it was. Let us know how it went.

 

[PTSD and Me]

HI Maryann,

I am just completing that phase of my therapy. It took me 8 years with the same therapist to finally go into the details of some of the events. I was absolutely convinced that it was my fault because I should have known better than to be where I was when bad things happened. The amount of guilt and shame for letting these things happen to myself was threatening to overwhelm my life and I felt like I just needed someone to give me their take on what I should have done differently. I was flabbergasted when after spending multiple sessions talking about the gory details, and how disgustingly I think I behaved, that my therapist said she thought my responsibility went up to a point, but after that it was other people's responsibility to control their behavior. Before that, I was looking at it as an all or nothing proposition.

I won't deny that I fought her tooth and nail and tried to convince her that it absolutely was my fault, and she fought me back just as hard. Now sometimes I'm starting to consider that maybe I really was only partially responsible. And that maybe some of the worst parts weren't my fault. I struggle with it still, but it's a different (more tolerable) feeling that being utterly convinced that I was a worthless slut who wouldn't have been where I was if I didn't want what happened.

I think writing it down is a good idea. I did that. It helped me. Then I had to tell. I kind of wish I hadn't waited 8 years to let myself explore other possibilities besides my own worthlessness. I feel for you. Good luck.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

It is hard to talk about it. But it is so much easier to write about it. Have you thought about writing about it and reading it out loud to your therapist?

You have to do this in order to heal. What is your fear really all about? It is uncomfortable to go into details but you control what you say and what you do not.

Or even just writing it and handing it to you therapist to read? It is just a suggestion. I wish you the best in this situation.

I am doing emdr and I find it uncomfortable to tell the therapist the details. So I only discuss the parts I feel comfortable talking about. It is a shock to hear my words coming out of her mouth.

There is a memory I have been avoiding dealing with and I will have to do it since I only have 2 more sessions left. It really makes a huge difference to get it out. Good luck. Let us know how iit went for you ok?

 

[Maryann V]

Thanks everyone.

Although we didn't go into that much detail yet, after talking about my fear in saying details, I said something interesting. I actually said that maybe some of my fear is actually finding someone else to blame. All these years, I blamed myself to the point where it was just the way I was. It became so much a part of me, that it became my "normal". The idea of actually facing the fact that someone else may be at fault scares me to death. It sound silly doesn't it?

We'll see where it goes.

 

[kers]

It makes total sense. When we blame ourselves, it puts us in control--if it's our fault, we can somehow ensure that it doesn't happen again. When we accept that someone else (or pure natural chance) is the controlling factor, it changes that worldview completely. Scary stuff!

 

[PTSD and Me]

That's such an important insight, Maryann. The fear of it being someone else's fault means that you had no control over the situation. For me, it was much less tolerable to think that I was out of control of my own destiny than to think it was all my fault. Except believing that I was at fault was really bad for me too. Kers is right though, the idea of changing that worldview is really scary. Good luck, it sounds like you're having some interesting insights. I hope this path brings you happiness in the end.