I Don't Know What's Happening

[Anonymous32]

I have gaps in my memory.. I can remember preschool but can't remember most of elementary and middle school. I still have trouble remembering things today too for that matter. I've attributed my recent troubles to disassociation. I've disassociated since elementary, I can remember explaining to my mom I just don't feel like I'm here. Disassociation for me is a fuzzy feeling, almost as if I'm about to pass out. I used to think I just had a bad memory but one night I went out and got really drunk. I came home and thought I was sleeping but my girlfriend(I'm gay) said I was awake, rocking, and shaking in bed repeating who, who did it. I remember this ever so slightly at the end when she was starting to calm me down, but not the full experience. After that night I went and did some research on repressed memories and found that I fit most of the "signs". I need some advise.
Do you think I could actually have experienced some sort of abuse and it's starting to come up? Also how can I go about safely recovering my memories? I've been disassociating almost every day since this event and I feel trapped in my skin, I have anxiety attacks when I'm calm and happy.I need help.

 

[Deleted member 29899]

Welcome. To the world of PTSD.
I've spent most of my life in that state. Cannot remember large blocks of years. I have NO 'picture memories' from age 0-10, only feelings and fears and some thought memories. Siblings remember A lot. They are shocked that I don't remember. What I do remember is hellish enough for me. Maybe I have been spared the 'picture memories', maybe I'd crack up. I guess it was all just too much for my mind to absorb, obviously. However memories are starting to come. The first memory came when I was 25 years old.
Then from 10 on, same thing.... Same thing throughout my teens.... Barely remember them. Large events in my adult life I don't remember. memories come sporadically.
Be cautious with the answers you receive here. Remember, we are not professionals, only fellow sufferers. Don't let anyone tell you you were abused. You may or may not have had something significant happen. Sounds like you have but there's no way of telling.

*Something appears to be happening with you so *I'd really recommend getting in touch with a counsellor (if you don't already have one) to touch base with, also so that should you need help, just in case, someone is there for you already. Sometimes there can be a huge waiting list so depending on whether you have money or not to get a counsellor, start thinking about getting something going.

I'd swear to God that myself and at least one or two siblings had something very specific and horrific happen to us (along with being terrorized in an insane unpredictable abusive home) but I have zero concrete memory of this therefore I do not and will not claim that that has happened to me unlike some people who will assume that things did happen in their lives (because of the state they're in) but have no concrete memories of it.
I used to really fear that I had early onset Alzheimer's until a psychologist told me its PTSD and explAined things to me.
I know that fear 'that something is coming', I feel for you. I had that when I was 25 when memories started to come. It was terrifying.
I think memories come when the mind is actually able to handle them even though it might feel like you're going to lose your mind. The anxiety is part of it as well. It's not fun.
Anyways I wish you the best and you're in the right place. There are lots of great people here to share your journey with.

 

[Anonymous32]

Welcome. To the world of PTSD.
I've spent most of my life in that state. Cannot remember large blocks of ye...

Thank you for responding. I've been looking for advise and no one seems to have any. I am so sorry to hear about your feelings towards your past. I hope you can feel safe enough to try and recover memorys so you are able to cope with them.

I do have a therapist, when I explained that instance when I was drunk to her she told me that we were going to ignore it unless something came up in therapy. That was before she realized I'm disassociating nearly everyday and I had another even where I disassociated to where I couldn't move or talk while being "intimate" with my partner. Hopefully she'll start working with me on it but maybe it's time to search for a new.

Either way thank you so much for your input

 

[hodge]

I hope you find some answers. I'm very glad you have a therapist. I hope she works out, but if not, look for another one. I would also recommend an anti-anxiety med. for your panic attacks. If it makes you feel any better, I can't be intimate with my husband without at least two glasses of wine, otherwise I have flashbacks and get panicky, even though my husband is a saint. My therapist knows about this and thinks it's fine. I just wish it wasn't necessary.

 

[Deleted member 29899]

I'm glad you have a therapist as well.

 

[IanG]

I also have missing blocks of memory of my childhood and dissociated a lot throughout my life as a coping mechanism. I feel like I've missed most of my life. Some of these blocked memories of violent abuse often result in night terrors and occasionally nightmares for me. Working with a therapist helps.

 

[shell]

It sounds like you have a very responsible therapist, may be it's time for another discussion with her.