I Don't Think I'm Benefiting

[jmni]

I started therapy a few months ago. I have no doubt I need therapy and I want to be in therapy but I can't tell if I am making any progress at all. All I know is that its expensive. Sometimes I feel like I do all of the talking. I don't really feel like I am learning anything unless I read it in a book. I also feel that she has really focused on my parents but that she barely acknowledges the other sources of trauma.

Recently I could not think of something to say so I just sat there and she responded by asking me what I was thinking and I felt like I have to come up with something. As in ... there's a lull in the conversation. Let me tell you about another embarrassing thing or something horrifying that's happened to me. It seems as though she could give me some therapeutic direction or initiate some kind of discussion about ways to improve my outlook or make progress.

It just feels like ... I know my parents are bad people and I always have. But I get sick of talking about them. Besides which they are two of so many people that have intentionally hurt me. So why are they the focus and not the other psychotics I've dealt with?

I have never had any real success with therapy. I just think its possible. I suspect that she is just not giving me the support that I need and she is unable to inspire me. Once I said I wanted to work out and quit smoking and she said it would not be possible for me right now because it's too much. But why not, I am still the same person I always was. I will always have the same past no matter when I do anything. If someone could inspire me enough I could probably get out of this rut but she doesn't seem to be able. I kind of wonder if I am like the human version of road kill to her. She's empathetic but I need something else. For instance she said, you don't listen to yourself. Well then how do I develop that skill. Then she says, journal. I journal constantly. Personally I think I journal so much I can't hear myself unless I am writing.

I am really thinking about quitting and finding someone else. But I can't tell if I am over-reacting or not. What do I do? I've read others say they are afraid to stand up to their therapists. I don't want it to get that far.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm sorry you are feeling so stuck in therapy! It is hard when we pay so much but don't see progress.

I think your frustrations are justified.

Is she a trauma specialist? Effective trauma therapy involves more than just talking about crappy parents. Has she worked with you on coping and grounding skills? That could help you quit smoking.

I would also suggest sharing with her what your goals are, what symptoms you hope therapy can reduce, and ask her if/how she can help you get there - and share with her that you feel like you are not making progress. I have had conversations with my own therapist several times about just those things and they have been deeply helpful.

If she doesn't give you clear idea of where therapy is headed or how it can help, then It would make sense to find a therapist who can do that.

It took me a couple of tries before I found the right therapist and therapy style for me. Hang in there!

(edited to fix a typo)

 

[sarafina]

I have just started participating in a trauma support group as there is no affordable trauma specialized therapy available to me where I live. The coordinators are both qualified and even after only two meetings I feel am benefitting. Everyone in the group is understanding and trying to be supportive and I in turn try to be supportive of others. The healing comes from self-understanding and coping strategies and remembering and not trying to forget traumas. But I wish it was going to last longer than a few weeks, that is my biggest concern.

I have had LOTS of traumas before the current one that has made me afraid of police and I was able to quit smoking. If you want to quit you can and it if for you not anyone else to decide.When I got down to one ciggy a day some low dose amytriptaline (for sleep) helped me with the last of the cravings. I still have food addiction issues. You can cut down on your smoking half a cigarette a day, at least that is what worked for me. If I had a stressful day and smoked more then I took that new higher level and worked down from there - it was a few steps forward a few steps back over a period of a few months. Some prefer cold turkey - I never could. I have been tobacco free for several years now. Just avoid picking up even one cigarette once you quit.

 

[Nyssa]

Hello Jimni,

You're not inspired and you don't see where this is going. I don't see any over-reaction is that. It's not like you're trying to escape from therapy, you're just thinking of finding another therapist.

I think you should trust yourself on this. It's OK to try several times before you find the right professional for you.

 

[franciemarnie]

Talk therapy never did a thing for me as far as PTSD relief of symptoms are concerned. Somatic therapy has been fabulous in releasing trauma energy so I feel better. I am not singing "Happy" every day and clapping my hands, but some days I do. Just overall well being is terrific compared to the past.

 

[silkleaves]

I'm really sorry to hear you have having a tough time of your therapist. Personally, I would seek out another one, because that stuck feeling, that feeling you are not getting any guidance and not progressing is an awful one. And I would think that your T would take note and try a different approach better suited to helping you along.

When I first tried therapy about 15 years ago, it was a total fail. I went through 3 of them, and they all kept wanting to focus on, and make me talk about my childhood. I was already anyway in no mood or state of mind for therapy, I had to go. And I was really vocal about it, and with each new therapist I saw, that my childhood was off limits. I didnt see it then that the issues I was dealing with might have something to do with my past, and granted maybe they could and wanted to explore that, but I was not ready. So it made me frustrated, incredibly angry, and in no way left me with any desire to talk to them about anything.

When I started therapy last year, and they asked me why I had stopped going years before, I told her, she made note of it, and said that we didn't have to go there til I was ready to. I had a hard time talking about *anything* actually, so she decided group therapy would be best for me, were we focused on coping techniques. And THAT was a big help for me... Even though I only made it halfway through group, I learned so much that I still use today.. and I really wish that I had been able to find the right T 15 years ago, because who knows, I might have been able to get help sooner, and had a better quality of life all this time.

So, anyway..I think its worth exploring other options.

 

[ghotiff]

It sounds like she is not the right T for you...and that's okay.

It took me a while to work out that my first T was not right for me, and then it took so much courage to change, but it was so worth it. If you are interested, I have threads during that process.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Jmni,

Have you told her everything you posted above? I'd highly suggest printing that off and giving it to her.

Our therapists cannot read our minds and can only work with what we share with them. Even if you choose someone else, it's can be an opportunity to practice speaking up for your needs.

We deserve to have needs and ask for help in getting them to be met, especially in therapy.

 

[jmni]

Is she a trauma specialist? Effective trauma therapy involves more than just talking about crappy parents. Has she worked with you on coping and grounding skills? That could help you quit smoking.

I would also suggest sharing with her what your goals are, what symptoms you hope therapy can reduce, and ask her if/how she can help you get there - and share with her that you feel like you are not making progress. I have had conversations with my own therapist several times about just those things and they have been deeply helpful.
...
If she doesn't give you clear idea of where therapy is headed or how it can help, then It would make sense to find a therapist who can do that.

I do not think she is a trauma specialist. We have not discussed coping and grounding skills at all. We just seem to discuss people and the past.

I have had LOTS of traumas before the current one that has made me afraid of police and I was able to quit smoking. If you want to quit you can and it if for you not anyone else to decide.When I got down to one ciggy a day some low dose amytriptaline (for sleep) helped me with the last of the cravings. I still have food addiction issues. You can cut down on your smoking half a cigarette a day, at least that is what worked for me. If I had a stressful day and smoked more then I took that new higher level and worked down from there - it was a few steps forward a few steps back over a period of a few months. Some prefer cold turkey - I never could. I have been tobacco free for several years now. Just avoid picking up even one cigarette once you quit.

Cold turkey has worked for me before but I would prefer to reduce my nicotine intake steadily. Thanks, sarafina.

Talk therapy never did a thing for me as far as PTSD relief of symptoms are concerned. Somatic therapy has been fabulous in releasing trauma energy so I feel better. I am not singing "Happy" every day and clapping my hands, but some days I do. Just overall well being is terrific compared to the past.

I wish I knew more about the different kinds of methods and how to determine if someone is actually a specialist or not.

When I started therapy last year, and they asked me why I had stopped going years before, I told her, she made note of it, and said that we didn't have to go there til I was ready to. I had a hard time talking about *anything* actually, so she decided group therapy would be best for me, were we focused on coping techniques. And THAT was a big help for me... Even though I only made it halfway through group, I learned so much that I still use today.. and I really wish that I had been able to find the right T 15 years ago, because who knows, I might have been able to get help sooner, and had a better quality of life all this time.

So, anyway..I think its worth exploring other options.

I hate talking about my childhood. Some people just want to b**** about their parents. I don't really feel much need and it opens the door to more terrible feelings. If it explained to me how it affects my current relationships that might help but it hasn't. Some other form of therapy feels like it would be a better approach. I almost feel like its altogether too much for her to keep my stories straight. And she seems to try to empathize but I don't think she has enough insight. This new therapy sounds much more effective for you.

It took me a while to work out that my first T was not right for me, and then it took so much courage to change, but it was so worth it. If you are interested, I have threads during that process.

That sounds like it could help. Thanks, ghotiff.

Jmni,
Have you told her everything you posted above? I'd highly suggest printing that off and giving it to her.

Our therapists cannot read our minds and can only work with what we share with them. Even if you choose someone else, it's can be an opportunity to practice speaking up for your needs.

I would try but I am sort of given up on her.

First it seemed like she was very empathetic. But now its like she is judging me because I told her I have homicidal thoughts about my abusers. She keeps asking me who I want to kill and how likely it would be for me to kill them on a scale of one to ten. I gave her an example and she asked me who else I want to kill. This really makes me want to slap her in the face. It's so weird and rude and she never has any feedback besides "would you really do it?" Gee, if I would really do it would I tell you about it? I feel like she is just nosy and invasive or she wants to call the police. Part of the reason I started therapy was because I was having OCD like thoughts. She's murdering my ability to open up to her.

 

[NovemberStar]

I think you would find any decent T would ask you those exact questions in relation to thoughts of harming yourself or others - to NOT ask more questions would be extremely poor practice! Yes she is asking for more details because she is doing an assessment as to how safe you are. It's not her job to stop you having the thoughts.

You need to talk to her about the issues you have raised - tell her what you'd like her to do; tell her what things you'd find helpful or not. Does she remind you of anyone in your life, either current or past, in how she acts towards you? If so - brilliant, you can work on that (transference). You say she was emphatic in the beginning - chances are she still is, but perhaps previous experiences you've had mean that you are hyper vigilant and 'on guard', and / or 'waiting' for the other person to let you down, or hurt you.

There are some Ts that aren't that great. There are some that any one person might not just click with. But I'd say in most of the time it is our own projections and previous experiences that cloud the therapeutic relationship - and that CAN be worked through. If you have always struggled with therapy it is possible (as in maybe!) you would feel these same feelings towards whoever was sitting across from you.

Which is why it's important you tell her EXACTLY what you're thinking and feeling. Print this off and give it to her or Email it to her.

 

[jmni]

I think you would find any decent T would ask you those exact questions in relation to thoughts of harming yourself or others - to NOT ask more questions would be extremely poor practice! Yes she is asking for more details because she is doing an assessment as to how safe you are. It's not her job to stop you having the thoughts.

While she might be in a position to professionally determine if I am a threat to others or not, beyond asking her if who I would kill and if I would do it she doesn't explore it at all. She doesn't attempt to explain feelings of aggression and she doesn't offer anything for me to consider about my thought process, the reason which I am paying her.

She actually once said "ok so he's on the list too." Tell me what that was suppose to mean. I found that very weird and obnoxious.[DOUBLEPOST=1401324440,1401324154][/DOUBLEPOST]

Does she remind you of anyone in your life, either current or past, in how she acts towards you? If so - brilliant, you can work on that (transference). You say she was emphatic in the beginning - chances are she still is, but perhaps previous experiences you've had mean that you are hyper vigilant and 'on guard', and / or 'waiting' for the other person to let you down, or hurt you ... If you have always struggled with therapy it is possible (as in maybe!) you would feel these same feelings towards whoever was sitting across from you.

Well yea she reminds me of other people now that she has been so rude and obviously I would take issue with trusting someone who was unhelpful and judgmental. But no, I gave her a chance and approached seeing her with an open mind and she has just not lived up to my expectations as a therapist.

I feel really let down at this point.

 

[ghotiff]

I feel that you are not comfortable with your T. While this could be transference, it could just as easily be a bad fit. From my personal (and limited) experience I think you should look at finding someone more suited to your needs. I am so glad I changed my T.

If you search for threads by my name you'll find them. But in summary (after the help and advice from the group, which might help you also) I searched for a T through my countries professional society and then wrote a very clear email outlining my needs with the hope that if she was going to be a bad fit, she would reject me based on that email. A copy of that email is also in my threads and you are more than free to use it for yourself if it fits your needs.

Good luck.