I Don't Think I'm Benefiting

[NovemberStar]

@jmni As I said, I really think you ought to - and I hope you do - TELL her this.

You're angry she asked you all about your thoughts of harming others - you feel she was just being too nosey - but then you're angry she didn't talk more about it with you. You said initially you did find her emphatic - - and now you find her anything but. Can you see it might be at least POSSIBLE it's your feelings about her that have changed, not necessarily it all being her?

As others have said - Ts are not mind readers - if you want / need her to help you work out why you have the rage at and want to harm other people, then you need to let her know that.

Yes, it might be you two are not a good fit - but you can't honestly say you aren't unless you have talked to her about the things you don't like or are finding it hard in the interactions you have. At the moment, if you leave without talking this through; all you have is the FEELING she's changed into a horrible uncaring nosey cow - in the (however small) a chance it is transference, wouldn't you want to know for SURE it's not a good fit? Especially since you have spent money seeing her so far.

Honestly, as an outsider it looks like primarily a communication issue. You are wanting a certain approach or focus but she doesn't know that - and no T could, unless you discuss what you want out of therapy; what you find helpful (or not). If you want - need - to talk about your feelings of anger / wanting to hurt others, then you need to tell her that.

Contrary to popular belief, therapy is a two-way street. It isn't just about turning up and talking at a T and they then telling us what our feelings mean. Most Ts wouldn't offer an interpretation of things you say - because how annoying would that be, to be told how and what her feeling is due to x y z.

Email her, tell her you're pissed off at her approach and yes she reminds you of other people. That might be the exact starting point you need to 'do the work'.

I'm with you on not being able to trust - honestly, it probably wouldn't matter who sat across from you - my T is really good at her job; she's lovely, listens, understands, is very patient, kind, probably cares about me and I am having MAJOR issues trusting her at an emotional level. Seeing her triggers up flashbacks. It's really really hard, but it's the real work I need to do.

 

[jmni]

I may be having a communication problem because I am reluctant to speak up. When she made the remark about "the list" I felt very insulted and invalidated. She may be a therapist but she's a person too and that was very dismissive of something I feel is very serious. Also it seemed flippant and mean like something someone would of said behind someone's back instead of to their face.

I just don't see how she is in a position to ask me to expose these disturbing private thoughts to her if she has nothing to contribute about it, and after she's treated me like that. But that is just my complaint about one thing. Overall I just don't think I am getting better because nothing is happening.

I can barely remember what I talk about with her most of the time. I feel like I am just complaining about everyone because she is leading me to do so. The sessions are just boring and I don't leave feeling better.

At one point I told her I do not know how to get better and she said I am doing the work by coming to therapy, journal, and discussing dreams. I have to wonder what other people are doing? Are they only talking about their dreams? I want to DO things and see progress.

And just to give you a better idea of how I feel, my actual feeling about this is that if someone else violated my trust and betrayed me I don't know what I would do. I think it would really hurt me too deeply and I am not willing to risk that with someone who already knows so many personal things about me.

So when she asks me who do you think about killing or hurting? and asks me who else and then has nothing to offer... that just makes me think she's acting like she's already decided I am homicidal and she is the one making the list or something weird. I feel like she just wants to tell on me if I ever did snap and do something so I feel threatened. I mean, when I tell a therapist about this stuff I want feedback. It's was just awful and awkward. Besides which I mean, why the hell isn't she just offering some kind of assistance for processing this kind of thought pattern so it doesn't take over my mind.

I would like to tell her how I feel since I've spent all this money and I can but I doubt it will do much good. I am not looking forward to this anymore.

 

[NovemberStar]

Safe :hug: if ok.

I hope you do talk to her, it is important. Can you print this off and take it to her to read? You explain it so well, and I guess I think that if you didn't tell her everything you have in the posts above, she wouldn't be any the wiser. I too, would find the comment about the list, if it was said in a joking way, hurtful - and that you felt hurt, is all the more important that you tell her it hurt. Chances are she did not mean to hurt you, but she won't know unless you tell her.

Therapy unfortunately, it's about 'feeling better' after a session. More likely than not, this might be the real work - I know for myself, I am in the midst of a major shit-storm and I definitely don't leave therapy 'feeling better'. I don't look forward to it either - because I am talking about the real hard stuff now - and the hard stuff isn't the abuse - it's the transference stuff that triggers up so much pain.

You do acknowledge above that she does remind you of other people in your life. I hope she is onto that, and yes - it might be that talking about how it feels with her, she might lead you towards talking about other people in your life that have generated the same feelings. Therapy sucks sometimes, it really does. But, apparently, it does help us 'get there' in the end.

 

[ghotiff]

Maybe this perspective will help.

My old T when I told her about suicidal thoughts, took down a note in her file and didn't say anything. It felt like she just ticked a box.

My new T wanted to know more details, she was concerned, after I shared more details (and she asked clarifying questions) she explained that there is a long distance between my thoughts and actions, she then commented on how that doesn't change the fact that these thoughts are scary. She then said that she would like me to be able to share these thoughts with her.

I left that conversation with my new T feeling supported and that someone for the first time cared and took theses horrible thoughts seriously and didn't just brush them off.

I need someone like my new T. My ex T just didn't work for me.

 

[sarafina]

[QUOTE="Cold turkey has worked for me before but I would prefer to reduce my nicotine intake steadily. Thanks, sarafina.
.[/QUOTE]

 

[sarafina]

I wish you all the best in your attempts. When I re-read my words that were quoted I noticed a typo that I did not catch previously. The word "if" should be replaced by the word "is" in "it if up to you..." Kind of obvious.

When you first meet with any therapist it is the time to ask what kind of therapy they do, what kind of training they've done, what their style is. Most therapists have some of this information on their business card. Also what experts work they have studied. You could do a bit of reserch on trauma therapy to find out what is out there or google "find a trauma therapist" as the type you are getting now is clearly not useful.

I am currently in a short-term PTSD therapy group with others who have experienced police repression and/or political profiling. But this will end soon. There is talk of extending the group. Childhood issues were mentioned in passing but I made it clear to the group leaders that I was not going to bring up all the traumas of my past, only the ones related to the current trauma that has led to me being nervous about police beyond what is normal or reasonable. I was at political protests in my teens too many years ago and want to talk about that in my next group meeting. But not anything from my early childhood or other later traumas.

Yesterday there were 3 cop cars, an ambulance and fire truck on my street - I think for 2 different addresses. My neighborhood is too interesting! Never did find out why 6 officers were needed for one address or why ambulance was needed. Fire trucks usually just mean burnt toast. Leaves me uneasy - was it a drug bust? domestic violence? Someone holed up in their apt. with guns? I want to move somewhere where there is a lot less people having a reason for police to come around so much. Less stressful. This is why I need therapy but I am doing better.

 

[silkleaves]

Yesterday there were 3 cop cars, an ambulance and fire truck on my street

If you were in Miami, that just means there was a routine stop for a broken tail-light, and the driver was 80 and smoking a cigarette. Cover all the bases just in case LoL Seriously though, they are like that here.

 

[sarafina]

Still I would like to live in a smaller city that is more tranquil. Last night I was running home because I thought fire trucks, which I could see from a distance, were in front of my building but they were 2 doors down. And they did not stay long so it was not a major fire.

 

[jmni]

Rather than start a new thread I'll just update this old one. I left my therapist. After a very awkward conversation where I refused to openly tell her why I did not trust her anymore (her list comment).

 

[NovemberStar]

I hope things work out with your new T - I'm assuming you have a new T?

Hopefully with the new T, WHEN you feel hurt / upset by anything she says you feel more able to be honest and open with what it is upsetting you.

If you're like many of us, we are very hyper-sensitive (I am not saying there is anything wrong with that by the way - it's part if having PTSD) then it is inevitable your T - any T - WILL say something at some stage that will hurt you deeply.

It can be very difficult to speak up but my T constantly reminds me she WANTS and NEEDS to know if 'she's wounded me' in any way. Her constant reminders did give me the courage to speak up about something she did. It had been at the end of a session and she bought up something I had emailed her and said in my email it was a HUGE trigger and I wasn't yet sure if I could talk about it yet... So to have her bring it up with just 5 minutes left of our session, it greatly upset me - I froze, unable to speak or move and she keep talking about it. It was so super hard but I DID end up telling her (via email and then we talked about it the next session) how it left me feeling - it had actually been so bad it felt like molestation in terms of her keep doing something I didn't want to happen and yet I was so frozen in fear I was unable to speak up and stop it.

I struggled to tell her because I knew it was in NO way her intention to hurt me - but even KNOWING it was a mistake it didn't change the intensity if the pain when it happened.

Perhaps you can talk to the new T about what happened with the ex T and it can open the dialogue as to what you two can do when a misunderstanding happens between the two of you?