I Don't Want To Be Functional Anymore

[Casey_03]

Throughout my time with PTSD, I have always managed to lead a sort of double life -- i've always functioned so that no one knew anything was wrong. I've always had a job, i've always been more or less responsible. But now I am walking a very thin line, and I think I want to fall apart. I don't think I want to function. I am destroying myself. I drink almost every day, have started doing recreational drugs, yet I still have a job. But I am so tempted to just hit rock bottom and quit and descend into self destruction. i'm on the brink. i don't know how to change this. i also don't know why i'd want to destroy myself.

 

[Saint Nik]

Are you in therapy?

 

[Casey_03]

No. I was for a couple months but can no longer afford it and have no health insurance. There are no programs for free services here because I live overseas.

 

[Fadeaway]

Do you have a history of self destructive tendencies?

 

[Saint Nik]

Is there anyone you can confide in at all? I am sorry to hear that there is no free services in your area. Can your doctor not point you in the right direction for any type of mental health help? Even if there is charitable organisations? Are you religious - as in seeking help from your local church?

 

[Casey_03]

@Fadeaway I'm not sure, I did used to cut as a teenager, but as I said, I was always functional and always excelled at everything I did. I don't think I was ever fully self destructive, I just used cutting as a teenager to cope with repressed things. But that's about it.

 

[Fadeaway]

Well, It could very well be a case of having had to be to strong for too long. You definitely need support. Can you delegate any of your responsibilities to others to temporarily give you a break from some things that might be stressors?

 

[Fadeaway]

Very odd but glad you are back. I guess one of us should post that in the help desk.

@Casey_03 sorry for derailing your thread. Spotlight is on you, unless that is triggering then you can have the shadowy corner over there, yet can still be seen and heard by your own choosing. :angelic:

 

[Friday]

This is going to sound overly simple... Take a vacation.

Ideally, IME, a mars-type vacation. These are the resorts located all over the world which might as well be on Mars, as they are entities unto themselves, little bubbles of nothing but being taken care of for awhile. All-Inclusive Resorts in the Carribbean are probably the best example of type, but they really are everywhere.

I have nuked my life more times than I care to admit... Simply walked away from being functional. It's stupid, but it's my knee jerk reaction to simply walk away from the world. Thing is? I've found that the absolute longest I can simply check out before boredom drives me to actually do something with my life is about 6 months. Far more commonly? 2-6 weeks.

That, right there, is a vacation.

Now... I can choose to go be a (literal) beach-bum until I feel better, nuking my life, and having to start over from square 1... Or I can choose to take either a few weeks vacation or leave of absence, and go get myself sorted out. With clean sheets, sandy beaches, good surf, food other people make for me, etc. (or snow, & fires, and freedom). Same result, I get my own back; but 1000x less stress, & Im not restarting from square 1. I cannot cannot cannot highlight enough how much smarter I am being when I go get myself taken care of for awhile, instead of burning all my bridges.

 

[Anarchy]

Hmmm, writing hotel restaurant and cafe reviews in the Crimea?.

My personal isolation is going off grid for a few years, it's cold and it's damp, and the tax man is bloody nasty with me when I reappeare on his radar afterwards.