I Don't Want To Fight Any More.

[ms spock]

I'm so tired, I want to die but I don't want more pain or fear, I just want to stop living, to stop surviving and to stop suffering. I want it all to stop. I just feel "no" to everything. No, no, no, no, no.

This is a very common PTSD feeling of suicidal ideation. Just get through the best you can. Just hold on.

A quick list to keep going.

Eating
Sleeping
Showering
Keep posting and talking to people.

 

[EverOnly358]

@Kas_Can_Fly,

I'm so sorry it's so bad right now. I know that feeling of trying to get the people around me to realize just how serious I am... and then they don't take me seriously. It's horrible! That's the thing with PTSD... to everyone else, it may seem like we're fine, but inside it's something totally different. I'd like it if you just keep talking to us here, however you feel... if people around you aren't getting it, come here and vent, we're here to listen and to try to understand.

To me it sounds like you *are* taking care of your dog, he's fed, has water, gets walked and gets to play inside and out. I'm sorry your dog upset you so much while you were sleeping... these things happen. It's nobody's fault. But I am so sorry you had to go through that... it sounds really scary. I'm like you... I cannot stand to have a weight on top of me or to be tangled up in blankets... it totally freaks me out. Your dog loves you and wants to be near you, and that's okay. It's also okay to do whatever you need to do to feel save while sleeping, whether that's having your dog with you in your room, or located elsewhere in the house. While I agree that it's so important to take care of any animal that's completely dependent on you and your family for care, I don't see the point in beating yourself up about being less than perfect right now. It's not a black and white situation. You are caring for your dog, that seems clear to me. (@The Albatross, I really respect you for looking out for animals, too. I love animals as well!)

Kas, hang in there. Whatever makes you feel a tiny bit better... do that. When I get terrible headaches, I like to get in jammies and bundle up in bed with movies, usually movies I really like that I've seen before. TV series are good, too. Eat, Kas, you're allowed to eat. It's okay. I know when I'm feeling horrible I won't let myself eat or even drink water... but over time I've learned that I do deserve these things, even when I'm feeling bad... especially when I'm feeling bad! Baths are good, hot showers, just taking care of yourself however you can. Do these things. You deserve to feel better!

Take care,
EverOnly

 

[digger]

Hoping your social worker is useful today x

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

My social worker brought someone else along and it really shook me, it made me feel worse and I just wanted them to leave and hid under my sleeping bag. I wasn't able to answer their questions as I was too upset and it all felt like too much. So they left quite quickly.

Since then I managed to talk to my mum and told her how I felt about not being taken seriously and how bad I feel with everything and that there seems to be no relief. She has phoned my social worker back who has sent a referral to the crisis team and also told her to phone them. I don't know what I want or need and as much as I don't want to see the crisis team or go to hospital I don't feel capable of making a decision one way or the other.

All I know is that waiting till Thursday to see my therapist (who last time just told me to tell my social worker) seems impossibly long and as if it is rather pointless. I don't know what will happen and i don't care, I think I might need More help though. I will post more as and when.

Thanks for the kind words about my dog, he is very loved and I don't blame him at all, it just upsets me.

 

[digger]

Sorry to say it @Kas_Can_Fly, but if you're actively suicidal, starving yourself and not capable of either looking after yourself or communicating your needs to someone else so that they can, then it sounds like you really need a LOT more help.

This must be difficult on your family as well.

I hope you are able to accept any help that is offered you at this point by the crisis team.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Thank you @digger1. I thought I'd asked clearly for help before, but apparently I didn't make myself clear - I hate saying anything definitive and/or asserting myself even if I need to do so, so maybe this was why I had the impression that people weren't taking what I was saying on board, because I didn't say loud or clear enough to be heard. The only thing I can accept is I need more help but what or how, I need someone to decide for me. Thanks

 

[digger]

I think it's good that you recognise you need more help, it's horrible admitting that to yourself let alone others and it's a brave thing to do in my opinion. Sometimes giving the decision making over to someone else for a short period until you are feeling stronger can help. I really hope you get some appropriate help now. I hope my last post didn't come across harsh, I'm just concerned you're not getting the support you need and it is always when we need help most that we are least able to ask for it effectively I find. x

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

It was actually relieving, I told you (everyone here) wasn't doing well and you told me I needed help - I agree, and feel glad that you noticed.

 

[The Albatross]

I hope Kas, that you will go back and read your own posts about the dog thing. Perception skews sometimes. It appears the dog neglect might have been one of those times.

I do well, to remember at my low/lowest times that my persception is not necessarily a true measure of a situation.

Feel better soon, do what you need to do... normalize the trigger or bed your dog down away from yourself.

 

[Ursula Wheeler]

@Kas_Can_Fly
Please don't give up. I have felt like this many a time and it is frustrating to get any help. If it makes it any easier for you, look at it as a game, dissociate yourself enough in order not to feel despondent.

Hope you are still alive to read this

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Yes thank you, I am still alive :). Unfortunately there comes a time when dissociation turns bad for me and in these times I truly have no escape or way out, but thank you for this advice - I do this when I need to a lot - even my therapist has told me to go home and dissociate to cope and I'm glad to know that sometimes it's ok. I'm not good at telling people (in real life) about how bad I feel accurately because I usually minimise it all, I did end up in hospital for a while after this but now I'm out and with a new cocktail of meds that for the first time has actually made a difference.

 

[Leilawanwan]

It seems like no matter how hard I try, I always have too much to fight off. But I can't stop fight...

i also have PTSD and I actually feel the same way. You're lucky you have your mom helping you just think of it that way. And you should do things that make you happy and think about it. Things will get better, you've already been thru the worst. I'm sure it can't get worst unless you actually killed yourself and that is not the right thing to do, you said it yourself. I believe in you <3 and I hope for both of us .. Everything will turn out ok.