I Don't Want To Fight Any More.

[Kas_Can_Fly]

It seems like no matter how hard I try, I always have too much to fight off. But I can't stop fighting one or two things, or even all of it for a short while because then I'll collapse under them. I can't do this any more. I don't want to fight and even if I did, I don't have the energy to continue or the power to make a difference. I've told my therapist, who told me tell my mum and social worker, I then told my mum, who phoned my social worker for me. He then said he would visit again on Monday morning, but that he would let the crisis team know and to phone them if I need to (or have my mum do it for me). But I don't want to tell anyone that I feel bad all over again, it didn't make a difference the first three times. Plus the crisis team are terrible and last time made me feel so even more worthless and they ignored my pain and trivialised it.

I can't keep up with everything and it's all too much. I can't and don't want to fight. I can't breathe for myself anymore. Why when I told people did they not take me seriously again, it wasn't an over dramatisation, to the contrary, it was minimising what I'm struggling with and is still me trying to hide how bad I really am, but it should have been enough to let them know. I let them know I was suicidal and that I had a plan a and a plan b, that I actually had so many plans, it would be more a case of whatever was closest when the time came.

Why does it feel like they won't believe me until I do it and then it will be too late? Does it have to be that way? But when I ask for help, because although suicide is not the right answer, but it's the only answer I have, I suppose I hoped for another answer or the offer of psychiatric life-support until another answer turned up. Because this is all too much and I can't stand anymore. No more pain, No more short-straws, No more losing every battle, No more fighting that I never wanted in the first place, No more anything.

Why is it good that I don't want to self-harm, if I have replaced it with a death wish?

I know it's not good to feel this way, I know it's not rational, I realise if I had the will to stick it out that it would most likely pass and that I will probably regret it. I realise that because I realise this is all wrong and the fact that I'm enormously disturbed that my honest cry for help was overlooked, probably means I'm not actually that unstable. But somehow it's giving me a push towards it, a childish "well when I'm dead they'll realise they should have listened", while desperately hoping someone will stop me before it happens while at the same time wishing that I succeed because it would be such a relief and I really can't keep fighting and at the same time thinking I'll regret posting this because my mind will suddenly change overnight and it'll seem like I'm creating drama and attention seeking. Plus I'll feel stupid and exposed and defensive.

But I don't know what else to do. Maybe if I talk about it, it will go away, but I don't want to talk about it in case it's overlooked and underestimated again. I don't feel like I'm being taken seriously but I am very serious.

I'm so tired and I really, truly don't have it in me to fight any more and I don't want to either - it's a losing battle and it's not mine, I don't know how I got dragged into it in the first place. I just want to lay down my sword and sleep undisturbed, the war can carry on without me and I'll be just another one of those who couldn't survive.

I'm sorry for being a downer but I'm really not OK.

 

[ms spock]

It is great that you can express your self so clearly Kas Can Fly.

It is disappointing that you reached out but don't feel like it was helpful. Is there some way you can communicate this with the people around you? That you felt your feelings and concerns weren't taken seriously.

Whereabouts are you in terms of country? Maybe someone could suggest a good crisis line or support network.

It is tremendously difficult to feel as bad as you feel, I don't know how it is particularly for you but I am really struggling with my PTSD, suicidal ideation and managing the basics feels too hard a lot of the time for me at the moment. So I really fear for you and feel for you.

Keep communicating even if the people around you are getting it wrong in terms of not giving you the support and validation that you need, just keep on talking and posting. Get out as much as you can. Even if it is to talk about how you feel like people aren't understanding you.

Remember when we are so bad we might not always take in what is going on around us so well.

 

[novemberDark]

It is to bad there s no meeting amongst eachother ey to eye for lock in of biosignals we cant hide.

But here on this stupid typing thing,
You are so precious to those who right now respond, who understand you.

Who knows someone will read this thread, while feeling they the same way you do ( i dont know) and chose a differen direction.

Its just a moment in our time,
which we all share. It passes, I'm trying, maybey it comes back again in dark time, but it passes again, I just know it ( because it happened before). We live one moment to moment in thw same timeframe.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

It sounds like you need to go into the hospital. You can't keep yourself safe. The hospital will keep you safe and allow you to stop fighting for now.

 

[WendyA]

@Kas_Can_Fly I can assure you that no one here, especially me, thinks you are creating drama or attention seeking. I completely understand how you feel because I feel the same way today. I made a promise to my best friend that I will see him on Monday and make it through the weekend, however, earlier today I was sure that this weekend I was going to follow through with my plans because I just don't feel like I have any fight left in me. I feel broken and defeated. Would you be willing to make that promise to me, to at least be safe until Monday? And then we can take it from there. You can just keep talking on here and know that there are SO many of us that understand and support each other as best we can online. You can pretty much post whatever is on your mind, at any time. Sending you some strength to keep fighting.

 

[ms spock]

@Kas_Can_Fly I know it is a lot to think of right now, but is there a way you can put down the fight and do something self soothing or to distract yourself from how you are feeling, even if it is for a little while?

Read a book, play a game, go for a walk, read forums about ponies or parrots, post a thread asking people how do they do their self care on this forum. Something to take your mind of it all.

 

[Ryn]

I am so sorry. :( I reread your post several times because it reminded me so deeply of the place I was in several months ago. You put that feeling into writing more eloquently than I ever could, and it resonated. You are understood and you are welcomed here. Thank you for your bravery in posting, and please don't regret doing so.

Please don't give up. You matter so much. The world needs you, because there will be others who find themselves in the same place you are, looking for proof they can survive this. You can be that proof... look at all you've gone through. You already are that proof.

There is no shame in checking yourself into a hospital, clinic,
whatever. None.

You are worth. Stay safe. x

 

[ms spock]

Also Kas Can Fly - this is not to take away from your pain and suffering at this time, but a woman once said to me that if people can get it right with us 50% of the time then they are doing really well. I wish I could stay with that and not have such high expectations of people but my childhood stuff gets in the way.

Thinking of you, and ignore the above if not helpful.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I will try to respond more fully later, I have a blinding headache, my head has a lot going on in it. Thanks for replying.

 

[ms spock]

Thanks for checking in Kas Can Fly.

Take care of that headache.

 

[digger]

Whereabouts are you in terms of country? Maybe someone could suggest a good crisis line or support network.

I *think* @Kas_Can_Fly is in the UK? In which case the main support line is the Samaritans (08457 90 90 90 - 24 hr) you can also email them but you won't get an immediate response to email. http://www.samaritans.org

I'm not sure how old you are Kas, but there is also Papyrus UK for young people (HOPELineUK 08000684141 - not 24 hr though) http://

Speaking to one of these might help get you through till you see your Social Worker on Monday

 

[Hashi]

when I told people did they not take me seriously again, it wasn't an over dramatisation, to the contrary, it was minimising what I'm struggling with and is still me trying to hide how bad I really am, but it should have been enough to let them know.

I can understand not wanting to tell people everything, especially when you have been through this process of telling, trying to get help and being let down, a number of times. At the same time, I think you do need to find a way to tell people more. Could you print out your post here and give it to someone?

I'd hesitate to suggest doing that with the crisis team, because I think crisis teams are rarely much help. But maybe show your post to your social worker or therapist when you see them?

In the meantime, I realise you have to get through the weekend. You don't have to fight, you only have to keep yourself safe. Can you curl up in bed, sleep as much as you can, mind-numb with TV, dvds or video games, and hold on until you see your social worker on Monday? When there's almost nothing I can do, I find that focussing on my breathing and drinking lots of water actually helps.

Sending you much sympathy and support, Kas.