I feel alone and guilty

[Strongereveryday]

Feeling guilty for going non contact with my narcissistic mother. It has been about 2 years. There was a lot of abuse and neglect, violence and emotional denigration. I know that I did the best healthiest thing I could for me, but on some days I feel so alone. I feel very low (not suicidal any more) confused if I did the right thing... And that may be I am exaggerating. Help me out guys! Thanks...

 

[EveHarrington]

Did you go through a grief phase?

I kicked my dad out of my life and I bounce from anger to sadness to pity to wanting him back in my life. But, I know I did the right thing. It’s not easy. I have to mourn my dad, even though he’s still alive. He’s SOOOO NICE which makes me second guess myself even more.

Hugs.

 

[Sweetleaf]

You have absolutely no obligation, whatsoever, to ever contact either of your parents. You are a free person, you are totally free to cut ties, and you surely have loads of reasons to do so, probably really great reasons too.

I have been no-contact with my father for 9 or so years now. I refuse to contact him, ever. He has wanted contact with me, and I still refuse. I know he's hurting because neither of his kids wants anything to do with him and refuses to contact him. Tough shit, too bad. Sucks to be him, f*ckin' loser. Maybe he should have not f*cking failed as a parent and just in general been shit, and not there, and not acting like a parent at all, not even a little bit.

I know the guilt feelings related to cutting contact with a parent. I've been there myself. Every now and then, I will have a day where I feel it again, but all I have to do is talk to my mother and she makes me go back to feeling no remorse. It's f*cked up to feel guilt over not contacting a bad parent, but it happens.

Over time, it gets a lot easier. You just need some time. Stick to it, you're doing the right thing by not contacting a toxic person.

I quit giving a shit whether he dies, I have moved past the fact that I have no father, essentially. It took time, but I got used to it. I grieved, for sure. I was very hurt. But, I got better. He got in a pretty bad car accident and broke his neck (again), cracked his skull, blah blah blah. It was a real loony toons ordeal actually. His car hit another car (his fault, he was drunk driving), he rolled, and rolled, and the car righted itself, then it went forward and hit a building, and a brick came loose from the top of it, fell down through the moon roof and whacked him in the skull, which compressed his neck, which made one of his vertebrae shatter, because the ones below it had been fused (also from being broken - he fell 3 stories) so it acted like an anvil, and the lack of cushion just made it shatter.

Of course, he's still pretty much fully functional like he was before. Just has his neck held together with metal. I think he might be facing jail time for that, not sure. I don't give a f*ck that he was injured. When my mom told me that, all I said was "jesus f*cking christ what is he a f*cking terminator or something? he just wont f*cking die!"

He's been in so many accidents and stuff. So many times he totally could have died. And every time, he walks away alive. Multiple motorcycle accidents, some car accidents, falling 3 stories.

I have become very callous towards him. It took time to reach this. I just don't care at all about him anymore. It's not like I wish death on him. I am just amazed that he keeps surviving this shit with -relatively- little injury, or bad injuries that heal and wind up not affecting him -too- much. His luck stat is like 9/10 or something.

 

[Deleted member 42984]

I don't have much contact with my narcissistic mother too, and sometimes I feel very guilty too. Sometimes I feel I'm letting her down, somehow. Just yesterday, I turned down a dinner invitation from my parents (I can't really process being with my family right now), and got flooded with guilt. My parents only know so much about my condition, mostly that I have anxiety, but I haven't told them about my trauma record. Maybe some day I will, I dunno.

I'm stressed out and still feeling horribly guilty for not showing up. It is so damn hard putting yourself first when you need to do so! So I hear you and you are not alone :-)

 

[Enaila]

I had to withdraw from contact with my mother for a time while I was learning to care for myself and work through my trauma. It took many years of counseling and we are just now building a relationship. I haven't spoken with my father for over two years and I'm getting to a place where I realize it is important for me to take care of my health and remove toxic people. A year ago or so, I posted a poll about keeping in contact with a parent who is abusive. I don't know how to copy the link here. There were a lot of supportive responses which may help you out.

This is a post from polls which had some good responses to a similar concern I had. Is It Important To Keep In Contact With A Parent Who Was Or Still Is Abusive?

 

[mumstheword]

I'm no contact with my mum. Maybe permanently. I saw my brother the other day and felt him.judging me for not going there with our mum, but, too bad, my recovery is so precarious at the moment . Bro's gfriend was kinda stand-offish too, but maybe she's just like that. Not sure, I'm not really very 'in' with any of my family. Such is life. There's good reason for it.

 

[Friday]

My mom’s fantastic. I’ve still spent months & years not having much if any contact with her. Partly the nature of my work, partly PTSD.

So when people think they’re making a fuss about nothing by not keeping abusive people in their daily lives? :O_o: I always just kind of tilt my head. When healthy relationships are allowed to have periods of space without guilt/shame/pain/confusion? I think it’s pretty telling about relationships that aren’t allowed to.

When I think about my son not contacting me for months and years, as I did with my parents? I don’t want that. I very much want him in my life. But would I want him to feel badly for not having me in his life, if he mirrors my own choices? Hell f*cking no! I want him to be happy. Moreover I want him to want me in his life (which means it’s my job to build that relationship, as s kid he has no choice, as an adult I’m only in his life if he wants me there)... but not to the exclusion of his living his own life. So even if we’re super tight & great friends after he grows up (best of all possibilities) there may well be months and years with no contact between us. That’s NOT something to be upset over. It’s something for me to be happy for him over.

 

[Deleted member 8714]

I disconnected from my family of origin (FOO) the first time in 1988 and briefly connected with them again in 1998/9. Since then I've haven't been in contact with them except for the occasional email from one of my brothers until last year.

My mother was a malignant narcissist and was at times violent with me. I was one of her scapegoats. One of my Ts encouraged me to break away from my FOO. It was the best decision I ever made. It took years to feel okay about it. I had to come to an understanding that if she was a narcissist, the whole FOO was part of her system of operations. Therefore everyone of them, if not in therapy, were unhealthy people to be around.

I had to create another healthier family. Can't say my other family was perfect yet better. Only now do I understand some of the difficulties in my new family and marriage were due to my husband's two TBIs and his ADHD plus his issues from childhood. Still what we have is far better than the dysfunctional FOO I had.