Poll Is It Important To Keep In Contact With A Parent Who Was Or Still Is Abusive?

Charleh said:

It really all depends. With my mom, she used to beat me, neglect medical needs at some times, and has t...

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You're not standing up for yourself. If she did not apologize for her behavior first, then there's no point in forgiving her.

PTSDfree said:

You're not standing up for yourself. If she did not apologize for her behavior first, then there's no...

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She did apologize, sorry forgot to put that part in. That's when I decided to let her be in my life under certain unwritten conditions.

But honestly I've forgiven her long before she voiced her regret. I didn't want a grudge against her to mess with my life since I had and still have way too many other things on my plate.

There's a difference between forgiveness and reconciliation, I learned this in a sermon once. To forgive is to say this problem isn't my problem anymore, or I'm going to take this to the powers that be instead of holding a grudge. Forgiving doesn't mean being friends again, trusting someone that hurt you in the past, etc. Reconciling is where you pick up the pieces and learn to love, trust and respect each other again, and thats not always possible. I forgave long before I could come close to reconciling from the past.

Mine lives in the same city. She hasn't spoken to me in almost a month now, and I don't care other than the fact that next time she phones it'll be some form of explosion or my father (whom acts like a hostage) will be very ill and she hasn't told me. It wouldn't be the first time she's with held important info to force me to call her.

If he wasn't around, I would feel no need to speak with her at all. I have given her my all and I finally told her early last year that I'd had enough trying to help her only to have her throw it in my face. She yelled back that she wasn't going to change and didn't want my help.

I told her when I was younger that should I ever have children, that if she continued, she would never see them. I think she's forgotten or thought I was exaggerating. I wasn't. Given what she did to me and my sibling, she is never getting anywhere near them. Not while I breathe.

If I could cut her out without losing my father....I would so be there. As it is, like in any hostage situation, I'm trying to keep the casualties to a minimum. He may have stepped aside but he had his own demons to grapple (chronic suicidal depression) so I can't blame him for what he could not do. He stood up the one time he could and I will cherish it always.

That b*tch though....I could do without. Noone needs to be told they're useless and pointless and valueless, Even/especially by a parent.

And that's an upgrade from how she was a few years ago.

No. If I could have her out, I would. I love my father dearly though, and I miss him.

Oh and I have forgiven her for what she did.

I haven't forgiven her for what she continues to do.

Friday said:

It completely blows my mind that the concept even exists where someone who has not only committed...

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I wish this message were around my entire childhood. I heard over and over "But she's your mother" whenever I tried to get away. I had to cut out most of the extended family too in order to begin breaking free from the abuser herself (she still to this day has people come stalk me for her since she doesn't live near me - luckily I just tell them she sexually abused me and they freak out so much at this horrifying opposite of what they know of her that they leave me alone).

TheBubzilla said:

You will not recognise who is healthy for you until you step away from everyone and draw a line. Savagely cull anyone that steps over it without your permission, then reassess in 6 months.

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I need to print this out and put it over my computer.

void said:

I kept thinking ......"If these people were not related to me, I wouldn't give them the time of day! So what the Hell am I doing?!

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I have definitely said this same thing and no one else who went through PTSD had an answer so it's such a relief to be around community finally.

Charleh said:

You have to take care of yourself, not make your abusers happy. Some people will just never change, and that's just something we have to understand.

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AMEN. This acceptance is the key to freedom.

Symphony said:

We tried to get away multiple times and those all failed. Entirely dependent for even basic needs. Can't work.

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I relate. I am in a situation now where I have to occasionally speak with my abuser and be tied to her still so I'm working through therapy and recovery groups to heal as quickly as possible so I can get into a situation where I can 1) get a FT job with benefits or some more clients to supplement my modest income 2) cut out the toxicity at last. It's a process and I have to focus eyes on the prize.

brokenEMT said:

Once I entered PTSD-land, it became really obvious that the abuse was related to a complete lack of empathy on her part - she has absolutely NO ability to put herself in someone else's shoes, or think of someone else's needs before hers.

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Iamsensative said:

Realizing my mother was ill. Still has not changed my reactions.

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I love this so much. I too now see she is mentally unwell. But that doesn't mean I have to tolerate her behavior.

Charleh said:

Reconciling is where you pick up the pieces and learn to love, trust and respect each other again, and thats not always possible.

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YES. I hate when I'm told to forgive like that will fix everything. That's just one step. This next step is optional depending upon circumstance.

J'qel said:

I haven't forgiven her for what she continues to do.

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More wisdom from this amazing thread. I can accept the past happened, but it continues and that I won't accept.

I so agree with you that blood is worthless considering the poor quality that someone had with a relative or parent for that matter. It's ridiculous and irrational that people are held to this nonsense in despite of the horrific treatment at the hands of people who supposedly love them no matter what but their suggest otherwise. This is equivalent to an old cliche and really holds no legitimacy at all. I think it is a ruse to control relatives and keep them as slaves to continue their abuse on them. It has nothing to do with love or even being sorry for wanting to remain in contact with their victims. No one should bound to the old rule of blood relations and remain trapped in a literal hell of torment and abuse by so-called loving relatives. It is a myth and not everyone has great, loving experiences with family members; some do and some don't. Its reality and these differences should be acknowledged for what they are and not blanketed into one big happy family

Fadeaway said:

Blood don't mean shit[/QUOTEIO

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Enaila said:

Not speaking to or being around my father has made my aunts upset with me. They tell me it isn't okay a...

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It appears that your aunts are trying invoke the "guilt trip" on you, saying you should forget and forgive and move past the psychological and emotional abuse inflicted on you as a child, as though it will make you feel better. Well, here's my two cents on this situation because I experienced something quite similar to you with family members; you should not be obligated to do anything.

Your father chose this path, and why should you make amends with him; is it to make him feel better; or is it because most people, particularly family members believe that no matter how loved-ones treat you, they still love you and you should do the same? The reason why I ask these questions is because most people choose to ignore the pain and emotional trauma, and scars that they leave on their family members, believing in the traditional myth that forgiveness will somehow make that pain go away. It won't and the scars will always be a part of your identity, and you have every right to cut ties with these people because it should be your choice and not a collective one.
People tend to believe in the blanket-statement of forgiveness. That is, they erroneously believe that everyone who forgives will feel better and can reconcile with their abusers as though nothing ever happened. Well, I am sorry to break the bad news, that isn't always the case; for some, yes, but not all. And I am one of the ones who don't benefit from pseudo-forgiveness. I deal with it by distancing myself and cutting off communication with my abusers and that helps on a psychological and emotional level in which it is very cathartic for me, and does a much better job than forgiveness. The point being made here is that not everyone benefits from forgiving their abusers; there are other alternatives, which is one of the many that I just mentioned in healing from it.

I haven't been in contact with him for over a year now and thankfully have not encountered him while being out and about. I am okay with him not being a part of my life. It has taken me awhile to get to this point. I told my aunts they have a right to their opinion and I agree to disagree with them. They no longer mention him to me.

Enaila said:

I haven't been in contact with him for over a year now and thankfully have not encountered him while bei...

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You are a brave individual and have gone where most people don't have the courage to do. Give yourself a " a pat on the back". You, I, and a few others on this forum, represent a tiny minority that defies and question the legitimacies of traditions regarding family cohesion by removing ourselves from these toxic families. Good Job!

Isn't it mind-boggling that toxic family members use every sinew that they can find to keep family members who want nothing to do with them in their pit of hell? I notice that you mentioned that the only reason you communicate with your mom is because of your dad; it's unfortunate that many family members, like you, are being held mentally and physically hostage by abusive family members, out of a sense of obligation to their abuser or other members in the family. What is happening here is the abuser seize the opportunity to inflict more abuse on its prey by keeping them trapped in the family, using illnesses as the propaganda in making the victim feel guilty and remain in contact with the family. Don't you guys see their cunning schemes and how skillful they are at manipulation?

J'qel said:

Mine lives in the same city. She hasn't spoken to me in almost a month now, and I don't care other than t...[/QUOT

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I actually talk to my family daily now I have moved out. Once I was out of my parents domain and didn't live under their roof our relationship improved dramatically. Even before then in fact. I still find them hard and exhausting at times, but I didn't want to hate them for the rest of my life, so I guess I just made peace with myself that they were not going to change and I was okay with that.

Everyone deals with different things though. My dad was mentally ill and my mum was well... my mum. They both did things wrong and messed me up but I always live in fear that they would die and I would regret never speaking with them again.

If parents/family are actively toxic though sometimes you have to cut them off, for your own sanity and well being, so I don't blame anyone who does.

lolamarie1800 said:

Isn't it mind-boggling that toxic family members use every sinew that they can find to keep famil...

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Yes, the manipulation and bullying waa very tough. My sister, brother both felt that i needed to just accept and forgive that my son was sexually abused by her husband. Thank god none of them had children the abuse would have continued for another generation. This is how multigenerational abuse continues. My sons needed to see me take a stand for them, for myself. It took me too long to untangle the mess, i wish i did it sooner. Not sure if i will even be told if my mother gets sick or dies. I will live with that.