Poll Is It Important To Keep In Contact With A Parent Who Was Or Still Is Abusive?

[Chiqui]

... And find the things I never had to begin with...
Brave and honest to except this. Also resonates within me...
@claroscuro

 

[Enaila]

Not speaking to or being around my father has made my aunts upset with me. They tell me it isn't okay and that I need to make amends in case he passes away. Make amends for what? I haven't done anything to him and he had a chance to be a parent. I am trying to accept the words and kindness I always wished for from him are only wishes. I no longer need them from him. I have other people in my life who do care about me in healthy ways.

I have been able to set boundaries with my mom, and we are slowly starting to grow our friendship. She now knows about my ptsd and is more respecting of my needs.

@claroscuro your words describe my feelings and thoughts well.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@claroscuro. @Enaila That's what kept me tied to my family, as well, for far too long. I never really gave up hope that my mother would someday want to be my mother. Then, eventually, she died, and I was free to accept that it would never happen.

@moshpitmunkey You're a treasure, mosh. I wish I was your mother.

 

[Iamsensative]

Cutting ties, for me it took 11yrs after my mother's husband abuses my son. He went to jail, she stayed by his side. She forgave him for abusing her grandson. I tried to not blow up my son's lives up, I tried to allow her in our lives. All this time being pulled further and further down. Memories from my childhood, yrs of disassociation, no one caring. Take care of Mom, feel sorry for Mom. Be the good daughter, the good girl. She had a tough life, but I never mattered, my son never mattered. I tried, until I fell apart. Almost 2 yrs now, my brother posted a Facebook pic of them all out to dinner on a Holiday. Dinner with the child molestor. I hear from my sister he is good for her. I have no family, the truth doesn't matter. Sweep it under the rug and pretend. My whole life, not anymore, not for anyone. I am the only one of 4 children that had children. They have no clue what we have been through.

 

[rosey]

Cutting ties, for me it took 11yrs after my mother's husband abuses my son. He went to jail, she s...

Sound very similar to my situation. Took me years to cut off my family who remained in contact with the person who abused me. Turned out friendship was more important than me. They had the brass neck to say the years of abuse did me good and lied to the police during investigations to protect themselves the police know it was lies but cant do anything so a violent rapist goes free my family are fine with that. Some people just dont deserve you right.

 

[Iamsensative]

Yes Rosy,

People don't deserve your love and loyalty if they have nothing for you. Painful lesson, since I know I would do anything for my sons. Abuse didn't steal all the good I have to give.

 

[rosey]

Yes Rosy,

People don't deserve your love and loyalty if they have nothing for you. Painful lesso...

Glad to hear it @Iamsensative. Very painful but when you know where you stand at least you can deal with that. Sounds like you have done the right thing.

 

[Chiqui]

My grandfather just died, he was 100 years old, and tomorrow I will go to the funeral. My parents will be there, also more relatives who have said what happened to me was my fault. I am already feeling my anxiety growing inside...I am afraid of a non sleeping night and been so tired tomorrow than I can say something nasty...aghhh

 

[rosey]

My grandfather just died, he was 100 years old, and tomorrow I will go to the funeral. My parents will...

so what if you say something nasty doesnt sound like too many other people have paid you the same courtesy. if you feel the need to say something just stick to the facts. best wishes.

 

[Chiqui]

so what if you say something nasty doesnt sound like too many other people have paid you the same courtes...

For me is just horrible the idea of making a drama tomorrow. I wish it shouldn't be and I could stand in my feet ...

 

[rosey]

For me is just horrible the idea of making a drama tomorrow. I wish it shouldn't be and I could stand in...

It is a hard one just be aware that they could try to provoke a reaction. maybe the best reply to any comments would be a standard line something like 'this is not the place for this discussion but i will happily discuss my point of view with you on another occasion' then spin off. my family would hate that i never reacted it scared them.

of course it is pretty impossible not to think about the what ifs so not going to say to not think about it but of course from another point of view it might be that nothing is said and you are worrying over nothing. so go easy on yourself and if tomorrow you do cause a drama so what? they have caused enough dramas themselves would it really matter that much, could do you the world of good to get some of it out.

 

[Chiqui]

It is a hard one just be aware that they could try to provoke a reaction. maybe the best reply to any com...

Thank yo very very much for your words Rosey, I feel so lonely with this stuff. My feelings towards my parents trouble be. Last time a stayed with my mother, I was close to hit her. She knows how to make me jump. She gives her opinion about my weithg, hair, clothing. This is related to my trauma, because I had to follow certain severe rules. And she knows that. Probably you are right and I am overworring. This whole situation is a trigger for me, and I want to figure out what I will bring back into my pockets tomorrow night, back home.
Thank you very much again, Rosey!