Poll Is It Important To Keep In Contact With A Parent Who Was Or Still Is Abusive?

[Sideways]

Complex issue. Dad abused me and my sister. Still in a v secure marriage with mum. I really value my relationship with my mum, which means in a practical sense, me and dad cross paths occasionally. It's not a very cool situation, but I seem to be the one that loses out (again) if I go no contact. Thwt would basically mean losing my mum. How is that better for me?

 

[Fadeaway]

Blood don't mean shit

 

[GWhizz]

I believe it's a very grey area. For me, I tried to completely cut ties with toxic family members. But it turned out that it just isn't that easy, ime anyway. I instead had to do the - keeping them at a safe distance, so that I could have a little control over their unpredictability. But like @Killashandra, I have a little family of my own that I want to protect from that toxicity.

To answer how important it is depends on so many things, the nature of your abuse etc. My mother was a bystander for most of my abuse. I struggle with some guilt for leaving her with them, but then she made her own choices.

To put it simply - or not so simply - it totally depends on the individual situation.

 

[Rumors]

I think it is a very complex issue. My dad certainly committed some horrendous crimes against my family while growing up. I hate him for those things. I am struggling with them currently. However, he wasn't always bad. He loves me very much but is incredibly sick. Not forgiving his crimes, but if I am in a place where I have good boundaries and am healthy then I think having some sort of relationship with him would be ok. If your dad was just pure evil and nothing good came from him then I say sack that idea. My dad was not all bad. His bad was pretty ugly and has certainly left me with some deep, deep scars that I am working through. I hate that he did that and I am angry that he hurt me as a child BUT he can't hurt me anymore..... Just my opinion. YOU have to decide whether or not there is anything there worthy of knowing.

 

[Naoru]

I think what's important varies from person to person and situation to situation. It can be very complicated or very simple. What would benefit you? What would be important to you?

My therapist has shared with me that there is no right or wrong as far as cutting ties with abusive family members or not; it's a very personal and complex decision. Cutting all ties is perfectly acceptable and limiting contact to my comfort is acceptable, too. What's important is my mental health and healing. Sometimes that can be hard to see on my own and it's also okay for my decision to change, as it definitely has over the years.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Blood don't mean shit

You said it, Fade. That's what I spent my lifetime trying to explain to my family.

 

[moshpitmunkey]

I think its a complex issue and varies from person to person and case by case. Like others have already mentioned. I did not grow up with a father so it was my mother that dealt out the unthinkable abuse and neglect. There have been many times where ive tried to cut ties and escape, only having nowhere to go and facing severe consequences. Unfortunately I am still dependent in some ways on my mother because I am not completely on my feet yet. Especially since the few accidents ive been In. Was molested by my sister but I stay in an apartment with her because I could not take living with my mother. My mother has cut ties with all extended family and I have not been able to reach out to them. Then there is the fact that I'm close to my younger sisters and my grandma and if I cut ties with my abuser, I have no ties with them. Its depressing. Its saddening. Would I like to cut ties? Yes absolutely. But ive found that its not so black and white in my experience.

 

[void]

I still don't how I should relate with them. For my mother I never was good enough for her "dreamed" ide...

I would tell them to "Go fvck yourself!":mad:.....and cut them out of my life for that kind of abusive treatment.

@MariaY deserves kindness and respect:hug:

 

[Chiqui]

I would tell them to "Go fvck yourself!":mad:.....and cut them out of my life for that kind of abusive trea...

I have thought about it...I have been near 15 years with almost any contact with them. Only for the last 3 years I have worked hard on create some new, healthier boundaries. Still don't trust them, but their response has been ok. I am going to take this easy, because is painful and needs to be worked out slow.
I truly appreciatte your reply, thanks for your concern. It is the first time in my life that someone reasure me that I have good reasons to be angry and disapointed with them. Thanks again!

 

[Deleted member 33052]

@moshpitmunkey. Mosh, I get what you're saying. When I cut contact with my family, I lost my beautiful nephews and nieces. That was my punishment and it was very difficult to bear. And still, I don't think I had a choice. I fully expected one of my family members to kill me, though.

 

[moshpitmunkey]

@moshpitmunkey. Mosh, I get what you're saying. When I cut contact with my fami...

I completely understand where you're coming from, and how in your situation you had no choice in the matter. I empathize with what you have went through and am so sorry for the losses you've accumulated a long the way. Thats why I think its such a complicated issue. Like @Naoru said you do what benefits you or whats best for you. And sometimes cutting ties is THE only way. Whether you lose some or not. Its hard. Either decision, to keep in contact or not to, is extremely difficult. Glad you have survived and are still making your way through everything you went through. (definitely glad that family member didnt kill ya, we would've lost a good one :) )

 

[claroscuro]

I cut ties with my whole family because I realized I would never get the acknowledgement for what they did to me, and me sticking around in the hopes of some miracle was enabling their continued abuse.

Where my father and the middle child is concerned, good riddance. It's still hard for me to cope with this measure to protect myself when it comes to my mother and oldest sister, but I know it's because deep down inside I'm still hoping for reconciliation and find the things I never had to begin with.