Poll Is It Important To Keep In Contact With A Parent Who Was Or Still Is Abusive?

[Enaila]

My therapist said the online support community has been offering me support she wasn't able to as she had never experienced PTSD. She then struck a nerve when she asked me how those I chat with feel about being around a parent who still has a tendency/potential to be abusive? (I haven't spoken to my father for over a year and he is getting older. )

Please share thoughts or experiences.

 

[EveHarrington]

I'm all for limiting contact with abusive people, including parents. What this means will be different for everyone I think. Some are ok with decreased contact while for some it's best to go no contact.

 

[rosey]

I am no longer in contact with any of my family. I manged whilst it was just me but as my children got older i hated them seeing people treat me like that and ended contact. My life is much better for it although was hard and still hurts.

 

[Enaila]

Thank you Rosey and Eve for sharing.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

Would you keep in touch with a stranger who raped you? No. So.. why keep in touch with a parent who did? Blood doesn't matter after a parent abuses you. Obligation? Gone. That person is dead to me.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Id say the opposite. Its important to know where to draw the line, where to make boundries, and when and how to cut contact with a potient current abuser.

You abuse, you're out of my life.

Personally i cut contact with main abisers at age 19 and it stayed cut 100% until they died.

My dad is verbally & emotionally abusive and he lives with me but circumstances and needs have changed so today its important to draw strict boundries and adhere to them.

Is it important to stay in contact with an abuser or potiental a abuser? Nope! The important scale is zero there.

 

[Deleted member 33052]

Hey, Enaila! I had to break off contact with my entire family. That was after many years of hoping they'd change. When I accepted that they wouldn't, I had to leave.

I'm glad you posted this. I just learned something about myself that had never occurred to me before now. As angry and hurt as I was, I was more interested in reconciliation than retribution.

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

I think the most important thing is your mental health. Not everyone's experience... more like no ones experience is black and white. I cut contact with my brother who sexually abused me when I was a kid. more so because of the continuous manipulation, gaslighting and emotional abuse. obviously an attempt to make me feel crazy, him have power over me and protect himself. It still took years of manipulation and abuse before I had enough and cut him out.

Although my mother was abusive she was mentally unwell there was no malicious intent. She was just incapable of being anything other than neglectful and although she is very dismissive and remembers a different childhood to the one I actually had. I know what she's like I expect nothing from her it's better for me to keep contact with her. It's easier, it's not that I forgive her. It's more like I don't f*cking care anymore. It's done, she's not like that anymore or maybe she is but now I've grown up I see how f*cking see through it is. It's like psychology 101 shit. I feel sorry for her she had a very abusive childhood and never healed from it and although it was never as bad as her childhood she still passed on that abuse to another generation.

 

[Stickler]

I have not spoken to my dad since I was 20, I'm 43 now. :D

 

[Killashandra]

Personally I have cut off my abusive parents completely. Not only for my own well being but for my daughter and my husband also.
They love me unconditionally, unlike my parents, and to have them witness how my parents treat me is unfair and damaging to them. And me. I owe them nothing.

There is no obligation for any person who was abused to have contact with the perpetrator.

 

[Chiqui]

I still don't how I should relate with them. For my mother I never was good enough for her "dreamed" ideal of how should I be like. For my father, I am a big fail. When I was trapped by the cult for 12 years, they said it was my choice. But it wasn't. I had no self esteem at all then, I felt totally unworthy. And the cult offered me a unconditional acceptance. But soon started my road to hell...
I am out now. 8 years later, with a partner with after cult ptsd and chronic psysical pain. His parents believe I am no good enough for him. All this makes me suffer. I should tell my T. I don't remember if I have done it yet...

 

[Friday]

It completely blows my mind that the concept even exists where someone who has not only committed crimes against you, but has also completely failed in their duty and responsibility to you by committing those crimes against you... Should be given more leeway than a stranger who only commits those crimes? It's worse, not better!!!

If this attitude was taken in any other area of society the whole thing would self combust.

Oh... Bank robbers go to jail. But if you work for the bank? No problem! Not only can you keep stealing from them to your hearts content, and not only will you not have charges & sanctioned leveled against you in addition to the robbery that prevent you from working in any area of finance ever again, but we'll counsel the bank to keep you on as an employee for the rest of your natural life! :confused:

In what universe does this make any kind of sense?