Poll Is It Important To Keep In Contact With A Parent Who Was Or Still Is Abusive?

[HëllaBubz]

@Enaila as someone who has worked in palliative care, I'll tell you what I told my sister when my grandfather tried to cark it recently.

Dying people are selfish bastards with no thought or care to the impact of their words when they've gone and you can't reply.

Someone dying doesn't mean they suddenly change. That's why everyone is scared of dying in my view, because if they believe in an afterlife and they're a reptile, dropping dead suddenly or threat of such does not an angel make.

If you are somewhat reconciled with how you've left, then continue the process of moving on, rather than being dragged back to ground zero where their expectations of you come true because of where you get dragged back to unwillingly.

I'll say it again, dying people are selfish bastards, all they think of are imminent deadline of which they have no control, and you'll be left with their burdens that they forcibly try to divest themselves of before they go into the black unknown.

Don't catch the cactus. Just because someone has thrown a cactus doesn't mean you should catch it. Not your problem, let them deal with the weight of their own problems that they freely chose for.

It's kind of like someone taking out a loan, living off it to the full then asking you to pay the interest because something unforseen has suddenly come up.

It's not in your name, don't sign for it.

 

[PTSDfree]

Hell no! :p

 

[Enaila]

@TheBubzilla I appreciate the examples and directness of your post. I always do better with direct. Thank you for giving me something to compare things to.

 

[Lee2001]

Glad to see this post.. So nice to see others views on this. Eye opening for sure. Helps me to come to the decesion to break ties to family. I respect everyone who was able to do this! Blood or DNA should not make decesion here. We wouldn't be around these type of people if they were strangers... I think society and culture saying its family.. You should forgive and move on.. Is what drives some of this. Just what I am realizing.

 

[void]

YES! @Lee2001 !

That mirrors exactly a realization that I had about my family.


I kept thinking ......"If these people were not related to me, I wouldn't give them the time of day! So what the Hell am I doing?! I don't like them. They treat me like

sh*t. We don't even have anything in common! So WHAT am I doing spending my precious time with them?! The ONLY reason why I ever see these people is

some vague SOCIETAL EXPECTATION that says I'm SUPPOSED TO spend time with my family!"


And then I realized....FVCK those expectations!!!

Society isn't the one sitting in this room with these A$$holes being mistreated and feeling miserable.......I AM!!!

So I decided(slowly....and it HURT) that this is MY life and mine alone.

I decide who is in my life....PERIOD.

 

[rosey]

how are things going @MariaY

 

[Chiqui]

how are things going @MariaY

I am still recovering from the funeral.
Posting here, slepping and baking
Thanks for asking :)

 

[Chiqui]

Family exahust me, definitly...

 

[asadafagahajakal]

It really all depends. With my mom, she used to beat me, neglect medical needs at some times, and has threatened my life. But once I moved in with my step dad at age 12, I realized she was ill. It wasn't until 14 I realised my mom's an alcoholic.

But when I was 18, I was able to truly tell her I forgive her. Obviously boundaries have to be made, for example she can come to my house, we won't go to hers, as there's a risk of power tripping. And she can't babysit her grandson, but visit as much as she likes. Also sometimes, since sometimes she can be insensitive and make light of talking about traumatizing events for me, I have to abruptly hang up on her without warning. Things like that.

But if you have someone in your life that is still ill, narcissistic, or is still abusing you, cut them out of your life. You have to take care of yourself, not make your abusers happy. Some people will just never change, and that's just something we have to understand.

 

[Symphony]

The physical abuse stopped years ago and one parent significantly changed so the psychological abuse is much less.

We tried to get away multiple times and those all failed. Entirely dependent for even basic needs. Can't work.

 

[gealach]

I cut ties with all family except my mom, who ironically was my main physical abuser when I was a kid. For the physical abuse, it stopped when I was just too big to be hit by her. The emotional abuse has never stopped, but the older I got the more I could fight back. Once I entered ptsd-land, it became really obvious that the abuse was related to a complete lack of empathy on her part - she has absolutely NO ability to put herself in someone else's shoes, or think of someone else's needs before hers. She's just a broken, miserable old bat who literally has no one else in her life and this is the only reason I stick around. She has no power over me anymore, I don't put up with her nastiness. If I had kids, she would never be alone with them.

 

[Iamsensative]

Realizing my mother was ill. Still has not changed my reactions. In my families presence, i become compliant, no words. Since full blown PTSD hit, 10 yrs after i sent my mothers husband to jail for sexually assaulting my son. My mother stayed, my brother took them to dinner after he came out of jail. My sister has said he is good for her. I am the only one with children, my boys adults now mean everything to me. I cannot be with my family. Reality is that not one of them is willing to see the damage that was done. I choose freedom from the lies. I can wish all i want it was different but its not.