I Feel Like I Am Literally Nothing Without A Man

[miss_isolated]

I've been 90% single all my adult life. I've never been attracted to women so that's not the case for me.

I see all kinds of women all the time hand in hand with a man in the street and it makes me feel awful. What do they do that is so great that a man wants them and stays around?? A magic spell?!

Most of time I don't get it, so I just fantasize about a celebrity male to fill the void of being man-less. I also imagine that I'm beautiful and a famous actress or singer dating this male celebrity. I know I sound like an idiot saying that... :(

Some men do like me and I get attention but they are... I'm sorry to say, just exactly the type I would never, ever like in my whole entire life looks-wise or rarely they are good looking but want only one thing.

I feel like I fancy every -unavailable- man I see and worse.. they can probably tell I'm hungry for them. That's totally pathetic :no:

I was in love this time last year for the first time and I really cared but he didn't believe me or was eager to get rid of me. Lasted 3 months, I met him at work and when he told me he was leaving the city for a promotion I cried sooo hard.

Without him there, I lost my motivation for life in general and I now no longer go in to work everyday (I call in sick) and have started working part time hours. It's so bad I know. I did this at school too. I liked a boy and when he stopped giving me attention, I had no purpose to go into school everyday - and I left at 14. It's like my brain seriously cannot function without a man around. I think it's a father figure issue.

A voice always told me: "he's losing interest because your not making enough effort" I think it was my face or my big curly hair (which I've never worn down for more than a week of my life) that puts men off of me. Everyone has something they hate about themselves and for me it's my hair.

I've had 3 relationships and have dated a lot of different men. But the "relationships" were completely fake on my part - I only wanted to be in a relationship with almost anyone. The sex in every relationship I've had, was about as enjoyable as being naked in the north pole and they were not my type looks-wise. I just settled for almost anyone.

Do women really enjoy sex? I think because of the abuse I suffered, I associate sex with being only enjoyable for man and very slutty if enjoyed by a woman.

If I don't have these fantasies life is simply unbearable and I'm not me at all - I feel tearful, incredibly lonely, and like a big gaping hole is all that's inside of me.

That's pretty much it for my lovelife! I've been doing this fantasy thing since I was 15. Time has flown and I am now 29. So I've quit men and the dating game altogether. What's the point of having a relationship anyway?

 

[Lucycat]

Hi miss_isolated,
I hear what you say. I have been happily married for many years, but I was unable to have children. Your description of how you feel when you see a couple hand-in-hand resonates as to how I feel when I see somebody pushing a pram! I know it is absolutely not the same thing, but I do recognise that empty space in my heart.

I have always believed that I was simply in the right place at the right time. I'd had minimal relationships before I met Rory. We got married when I was just 21. I was terribly naive, and with hindsight I would say I was looking for a way out of my dysfunctional family. It could have gone so badly wrong, but I was determined to show all the people that warned me off, that I was right. It has not been easy for either of us.We have had to work hard and I have really tested Rory to the limits.

There is, in my opinion, no miracle or magic way to finding the right life partner. In friends I have seen the harder they try the less likely it seems to happen.. Some friends - well one in particular- had a list of what she wanted in a man. I don't think that can ever work. Most of my friends have had more than one marriage ( and that includes Rory - I am his second wife). So even those that think they have got it right later find out they haven't.

I wish I had an answer for you. But I suppose my advice would be to try and enjoy life as you have it, and if a friendship looks like developing further, then just take it gently and see what happens. Don't pressurize yourself or put time limits. Don't think that because you are not in a relationship at 29,30,40 whatever that it will never happen. Don't write yourself off!

 

[miss_isolated]

Thank you.

I know that's a very common one which I forgot about - where a woman will see babies and feel emptiness. I have one polycystic ovary so my chances of motherhood are compromised. I found out when I was 17 so I didn't give a hoot at the time. But now I feel a bit like it's unfair and most of my friends have got babies and changed (and are also a bit boring now I'm sorry to say :eek:)

But who knows what's around the corner? I see what your saying about your friend trying and failing. I've been doing that too.

It's probably best to just let life unfold naturally without pushing and trying to make things happen when whatever it is just wasn't meant for you. It does hurt and make me want to cry that I can't have these things.

 

[Lucycat]

Well done MI, your second post is much more positive - and humorous too. You are right - we do not know what is around the corner. Actually I think I prefer it like that, although I would say I don't like surprises I also don't want to know all the bad things that are yet to come in my life, because they are always the things we focus on rather then the good things.

We are only on this earth once ( unless you believe otherwise) so I think we really have to make the most of it. That sounds really harsh, but I come from the perspective of having had an older sister who died of cancer at age 25. That makes you grateful for your lot - good and bad. She never got married, had children or lived her dreams. I feel so lucky for what I have (even with a crap childhood) and want to do whatever I can to help others enjoy their lives too.

Friendships come and go. They are something I have never learned to be expert at. Strangely I have always been more comfortable in male company than female. I don't know if that is because I feel threatened by all those incredibly attractive women with whom I could never compete. Instead I prefer the company of men with whom I can have a healthy ( sometimes even intellectual!) debate. It is not unusual for me to go to the pub with Rory and be the only female there. It has been said I am 'One of the Guys' and that in no way offends me!

 

[RdeC]

Well I can certainly identify with this post! As a result of my abuse at 7/8 which was destined to remain unresolved for the following 30 years, my psycho-sexual development was arrested along with a whole load of other shit. Accordingly, I remained asexual in terms of genuine sexual attraction: nothing did it for me. Sexual activity was confined to trauma re-enactment rituals as the need arose. Otherwise, zilch. Oh sure, I had girlfriends, went through the motions, but it was never right - a huge part was always missing. Of course, the psychic numbing didn't help as this prevented me from feeling any intense emotions anyway.

Now, it seems, I have developed a genuine healthy interest in women. Good news? Well, not really as all it does is rub in what I have missed out on all these years. I'm too old and ugly now for anyone to find even remotely attractive and so 'plus ca change, plus la meme choise' or, to put it another way: C'est la vie!

The point I'm labouring to make here is that sexual abuse disrupts your life in all manner of ways, but it can be turned around. I may now be interested in women, but I still have massive boundary issues and other hang-ups attributable to my trauma so I still have some way to go. Don't give up hope - it doesn't have to be this way.

 

[miss_isolated]

Well I can certainly identify with this post! As a result of my abuse at 7/8 which was destined to remain unresolved for the following 30 years, my psycho-sexual development was arrested along with a whole load of other shit. Accordingly, I remained asexual in terms of genuine sexual attraction: nothing did it for me. Sexual activity was confined to trauma re-enactment rituals as the need arose. Otherwise, zilch. Oh sure, I had girlfriends, went through the motions, but it was never right - a huge part was always missing. Of course, the psychic numbing didn't help as this prevented me from feeling any intense emotions anyway.

Now, it seems, I have developed a genuine healthy interest in women. Good news? Well, not really as all it does is rub in what I have missed out on all these years. I'm too old and ugly now for anyone to find even remotely attractive and so 'plus ca change, plus la meme choise' or, to put it another way: C'est la vie!

The point I'm labouring to make here is that sexual abuse disrupts your life in all manner of ways, but it can be turned around. I may now be interested in women, but I still have massive boundary issues and other hang-ups attributable to my trauma so I still have some way to go. Don't give up hope - it doesn't have to be this way.

Haven't replied for ages because I was cut off the internet....

Thank you for replying, I'm so glad you did because I was certain this thread seemed like a "male bashing" thread!

I haven't really considered that I could be asexual but now I'm thinking about it. I feel the need to just go along with societies pressures to be a woman and go and get a boyfriend and kids when deep down when I'm honest I don't even really want those things and I've been fine enough up until this point without them I suppose..

I stopped growing mentally, sexually and emotionally at age 15 I think I remember the exact day lol.

I think my body and face stop me from feeling worthy to be counted amongst females and stop me from even feeling like I'm "allowed" to find a man I find physically attractive, attractive. I fight my feelings in this area and it's bizarre :thinking:

 

[miss_isolated]

I've just seen an article (written by a doctor) mentioned on another forum about "Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder" although I've finished therapy, I'm in no doubt that I have this. It even says in the article that most doctors haven't heard of it. That sounds right because I felt so alone with my daydreaming. It's a real addiction like drugs, alcohol and sex.

I don't know how to get out.

 

[Lucycat]

I stopped growing mentally, sexually and emotionally at age 15 I think I remember the exact day lol.

But I think in the right environment you can start to grow again. I suddenly became an adolescent in my 40s. With hindsight it was hilarious for both of us, but only because my T explained what was happening. I was suddenly catching up on those missing years.

Our physical growth my stop when nature dictates, but I do think the others are entirely possible. But it takes courage to face it rather than hide from it. Sometimes it is easier to remain as a child.

I don't know about maladaptive daydreaming. I have not heard of this, but can only imagine it has links to dissociation.