I Feel Like I Could Remain Silence All My Life

[Lady of Longbourn]

Maybe that sounds childish. Or stupid.

But right now, I don't want to speak. I don't want to tell people what I am feeling. I don't want to hurt others anymore.

Just silence.

I don't know what exactly started it. All I know I came out of session this morning, and I was angry. I was screaming inside. My T was talking about how worried my husband is about me and how I should not hurt myself any more. I was thinking "okay, fine. I understand."

But something felt wrong. Maybe it wasn't what he really said. Maybe it was more of the emotions it brought up. All my life, I Did Not Speak. I would go hours and hours at school without saying a word. And now someone was telling me to not say what I was feeling because it might hurt the other person. I understand that. But I am hurting myself.

I left session thinking "where has speaking got me? I should just remain silent." When I was leaving session, my T was joking and laughing about something, he was right in front of me and I was thinking about killing myself. I was thinking of driving into a tree. Or over a bridge. I was planning it. But I smiled and laughed and I remained quiet. I wanted to scream "help me!" but I didn't. Just silent, silent, silent.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Ayesha,

You do need to talk and get it out. There is no way any human can hold this all inside. You really should discuss with your T. Actually, talking helped me to reduce the feeling of wanting to self-harm.

Here is a ((((hug)))) and I am hoping you find some peace very soon.

Thinking of you.

ITL

 

[Deleted member 5760]

Hi there ayesha,

here's a ((((((hug)))))) from me too.

 

[anni]

You came here and spoke, Ayesha. I think you said a lot of things very, very well, too. I don't know if it's at all helpful, but we heard you.

Another hug for you.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

it all comes out wrong. I come across as sweet and calm. I am so angry. So depressed. And I have been depressed for as long as a remember, not just after my sexual trauma's.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Sometimes I email my T. When I email, I am completely and totally honest. And when he brings up what I wrote in the email, I close up. suddenly I feel I need to defend myself. That i need to explain. and i start minimize the email, and changing the subject ( which he has noticed, first intelligent, watching T I have ever had) .

 

[kers]

Ayesha, your first post--I can completely see how angry you are. You feel so unheard, like everyone is missing what you are screaming inside, so why speak at all. I am in that place often myself. Can you e-mail your T that? Learning to talk about things is hard and will come in fits and starts, but it's important that he knows what's going on for you, and that post says it so poignantly.

 

[anni]

We get really, really good at deflecting attention from ourselves, even when in session. I'm pretty sure we feel we just plain do not deserve the attention even there, for one thing- it's too uncomfortable speaking of ourselves so we do that dance where it seems imperative to NOT. You're right too, the good T's call us on that. Comforting, really, to have someone so in tune, aware and just plain concerned for us that they become capable of that sort of thing. If he's that good, he'll guide you through this whole dynamic, you know.

Hugs for all of this, my friend. I'm a little distracted this morning-have a doc appointment where I'm hoping beyond HOPE he listens to me. So incredibly important, you see. If I am not in the least helpful with this at least know I'm thinking of you, please. :) I'm on here through a flattening headache for distraction's sake, which is working somewhat since I do wish to send you some hugs, at least. :)

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Thanks Anni. :) The hugs were good and you did help! I hope your doctor appointment went well.

I think he can and will guide me through this. I just have to clear the air first. I am mad at him right now, and I will have to tell him why or the trust for him will go down. I also have to let him know that the 'me' that he sees in session, does not sound like the 'me' in the emails, because its so easy to pretend when you are around other people. Last session he was asking me why I laugh so much in session, I told him because I am uncomfortable.

I just hope it comes out the way it should...

 

[Tinyflame]

I wish you much luck, Ayesha, I'm sure it will go fine. Would think it might help to just try to be honest.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Now I am worrying about it.

I was thinking of writing him a letter and reading it to him tomorrow. Or maybe an email. I think if I don't do that, I wont say anything. And my negative thoughts will just get worse. They can't, or I'll check myself into a hospital soon. I should tell him that too. And everything I said in the first post.

I'm going to clean the house...maybe that will calm me down.

 

[anni]

You also said you come across as sweet and calm, but are angry, REALLY, like it's an either/or thing. I'll bet it's both, my nice, frazzled friend. We DO tend to equate anger with perhaps someone who cannot possibly have neither of the previous attributes but why can't you be both? OK, not at the same time- that would be kind of tough to pull off but still- sweet, calm people are quite capable of anger and its FINE. Maybe you just have a tougher time recognizing that it's allowable.

If you read here, an awful lot of us have times when our homes are very. very clean. Nothing like beating the stuffing out of DIRT to get oneself rid of some of those demons, I know.