Sexual Assault I Feel Like I Was Molested, But I'm Unsure

[Haley]

Okay, this is hard for me to write this, I've never really had the opportunity to speak about it, because honestly I'm not sure if what I remember is even accurate. I don't know if my memories are just some sort of sick fabrication my mind has created or what I remember actually happened. There's a strong feeling inside me that my memories are real and it makes me sick to my stomach to even consider that possibility.

I've read that people who have been abused repress their memories of the abuse, especially if it happened at a young age. I fear I may be doing the same thing. A part of me wants to believe, and another doesn't.

I'm not quite sure when I started remembering things, I feel like I always had the memories but it's just now I am realizing that my memories were...wrong.

When I was little, I used to masturbate quite often. I didn't really touch myself, just grinding on things, pretending to have sex with teddy bears. At first I thought I was imagining things, but then when one of my older sisters told me that I used to hump the couch as a really young kid, I knew my memory wasn't my imagination.

Another thing that bothers me, at this age, I feel like I knew a little bit too much about sex then I should have. I knew what sex was before even knowing the actual word itself. I even remember looking up porn on my mom's computer to watch. What 6-7 year old looks up porn? It's weird to even type that. I was this little 6 year old looking up porn, making my toys have sex, and encouraging my friend to do the same thing with her toys.

I also think I understood the concept of rape at that point. When I was around 9 or 10 maybe 11, before rape was even explained to me, my mom started dating this man. (He didn't do anything to me) For some reason, I had this fear that he was going to rape me. My mom's boyfriend was an alcoholic and often times he'd get so drunk to the point he'd strip his clothes and pass out on the floor. When he started living with us, I would sleep in my bed with my clothes on, so that if he came to my room I'd be ready to defend myself and run away. I was anticipating a sexual assault from him, before even knowing what that was. This got to the point I didn't want to bathe, or do anything that meant I had to remove my clothes.

There was also a time in my childhood I hated bathing, and I hated having water on my face. It was like I was drowning. It's strange now since I don't mind having water on my face, but when I was a kid it was the worst thing ever. Okay, I have quite a few memories, some I try to block out as much as possible, but here they are:

Okay, when I was young I lived with my mother. My two older sisters never lived with her, they just stayed with our grandmother. My sisters and I, we have different fathers. From what I remember, my sister's father would come over to my mom's house to spend time with us. What little I know with him, I know he was crazy. He attempted to strangle my mom, and did other cruel things. I don't have much memory of him, but I remember on my tenth birthday? he had brought me a cake and a movie. I was sitting on the couch with him and I remember presenting my body to him, lifting my shirt up trying to make him look at my chest. He wouldn't look though, and told me to stop but it makes me wonder why I did that.

Another weird thing was he always told me to kiss his cheek. I'm probably overthinking this but kissing his cheek always made me uncomfortable. Another vague memory I have is staying the night at his house. I don't remember why I was there, but I remember not being able to fall asleep so I wandered off into the back of his house, where I was left alone with him in his kitchen, which was purely disgusting. I don't remember what happened after that, but whatever it was, I feel like it wasn't something good.

The rest of my memories include one of my older sisters. I don't know if she actually did these things or my mind is just placing a face, but it makes me resent her greatly. My sister would often make her dolls have sex, and prompted me to do the same. One time however, she took the barbie doll, and put it in her pants head first and started masturbating herself with it. She then encouraged me to do the same. So I did it.

My sister did a lot of odd things, she forced me to watch her take out her tampon, she made me watch her masturbate under the tub faucet. she made my friend and I take a shower together against our will, we were both crying when it happened. She also tried to make me touch our cousin's penis (he's mentally challenged) but I had refused.

And my most vivid memory, which makes me feel absolutely disgusting is her giving oral to me. We were both in the bathtub and she asked to touch her down there and put my mouth down there but I had said no. So, she told me to sit on the toilet and gave me oral, where she continued to do on the floor as well. I think I told my mom about it afterwards, but all I can remember is my sister getting a time-out.

I remember exactly where I was, what it felt like, everything. The entire memory is so vivid, I just can't bring myself to think that it was all just made up.

I suffer with severe anxiety and depression, I've never been diagnosed however, but I do believe I may have PTSD from my mom's boyfriend alcohol abuse and some other things that occurred in my life including gang violence with my cousin and the pill abuse from my mother. Self-harm was also a struggle for me but I'm getting better at stopping. Both of my parents are bi-polar so that might be a factor as well.

I was always told that I hated to be touched. Ever since I was a little girl, I hated touch. I still hate touch today, whenever my family touches me I feel so uncomfortable. I don't know why, but my grandmother likes to touch my butt? My sister does the same thing and I can't stand it. It makes my whole body cringe and I just feel so violated. There was this one time in church, my grandmother placed her hand on my upper leg, just resting it there, but it was one of the most unsettling things I have ever felt before. She wouldn't move her hand and I was so uncomfortable that I wanted to cry. I couldn't move, I was just so emotional at that moment. And I feel like I only feel this way with family and boys in school?

Boys will try and touch me in school and it makes me very uncomfortable, sometimes I'll freeze up and won't even stop them. I don't even know if what I'm typing makes sense, I can't think straight right now. I keep trying to repress these things but they just keep coming back. I'm sorry if this was long, Ive been keeping this in for a while now. some things may have been left unsaid since I tend to repress these memories as much as I can. I don't know whether to trust my head or not, I'm just so confused.

-

 

[Justmehere]

What you do remember and what you do know is more than enough to lead to the behaviors and struggles you have experienced.

Someone touching your sexual body parts in a way you do not want and do not consent to is sexual assault. For minors, consent doesn't matter because minors are still developing the ability to know when to say no and when to say yes.

Anyone having oral sex with a minor or touching your chest or butt - all examples of sexual assault. Because your sister was young, her actions would be handled by the legal system differently than an adult doing the same thing, and she may have been acting out sexual assault she survived... but you were still sexually assaulted by her. That was a sexual assault.

You also describe significant trauma happening with your primary caregivers. That alone could lead to the difficulties you experienced in the past and now.

None of it is your fault. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You are not damaged or broken, but someone who has been through things that would leave most children and teens confused and would take time to sort out. Have you thought about seeing a counselor for all of this? A good trauma counselor would be able to help you navigate it all and find some peace and relief. They can also help you learn how to set boundaries so that you don't keep getting re-traumatized by boys at school.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

If you think so, your are probably right, for me I had memories that were vivid, and some that were not or came later. At first I was not sure how much of it was real except I knew without a doubt something happened. I have since confirmed my memories with multiple relatives. To the degree I am now 100% sure my memories are accurate.

So if you have memories, or a feeling, your probably right.

 

[Canotia]

Haley,

Telling you this is very, very hard for me. I was sexually reactive as a child. I was sexually abused. When I was as young as 5 and as old as 10 I had my friends do things to me and I did things to them. I had a lot of sexual knowledge. I never made anyone do anything, but I showed them what to do. It never escalated beyond rubbing and simulating sexual positions and acts. My barbie dolls were very bad and often had to be punished. I had knowledge way too early. I tried to pressure a second cousin into sex at 13, he wouldn't do it. What you describe sounds all too familiar. I am sorry you had to ensure what your sister did to you. I suspect she was sexually abused. I am so so sorry if I hurt anyone, I feel I did. I wonder if there is an old friend out there telling or writing what her friend did to her as a child. I moved every two years so at least I didn't hang around one person too long. It was four friends. One who I think was being abused by her brother so it was more mutual.

The other thing is, I think you know. If you feel that you have been abused you should trust yourself. Not that long ago I froze while a coworker rubbed his hand up and down my leg while I had a skirt on. I never learned how to protect myself. I having troubling with boundaries and being assertive. I have complex PTSD.

Please try to find some help. Call RAINN, they can assist you. I waited until I was 42 to get help. I have been in an abusive marriage and developed many dysfunctional coping tools such as anorexia and self harm, not to mention two suicide attempts. I so wish I had someone tell me that I should deal with it now or it would lead to decades of misery and so much harder to treat.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

@Haley @Canotia is right when it comes to this subject area, in every memory there is always some element of a real event. This is an area you should getting help for from people who deal with this kind of stuff.

 

[Deleted member 35429]

I think all these details are enough to cause this chronic feeling of sexual violation. You don't need anything more overt or 'worse' to cause terrible anxiety and depression. Your family has terrible boundaries and your sister and you both were acting out in ways as children just trying to understand this sexual world you were exposed to. The family you grew up with was very chaotic and didn't respect your personal space/safety/boundaries at all. I hope there isn't more that you are repressing, but even without more, know that it's normal for a child to feel a constant state of sexual violation and confusion in that environment.

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

Your entire post screams sexual abuse.

Please make an appointment with a therapist. I suggest you print your initial post and give it to her at your first meeting.

 

[Powder]

Don't push to remember. Just put yourself first in your growth and surround yourself with only those who love you and listen and help you feel more safe.

Safety first, always.

If you will benefit from remembering, which you could, then it just happens when you are ready to handle it, although it may not feel like it when it does occur. But if you have support, and you don't try to push too much, you will come through alright and be stronger in many ways.

You didn't ask for anything like that. You were just a little kid.

Don't try to assign blame or make a case against anyone. That is a way your mind distracts from the painful emotions. It's vital to grow positive self-image, 1st and foremost. That is all you need to battle this. But many things lead to that happening. It depends on your strengths. Play to those.

Welcome, and thank you for adding to this forum,

Muse