Sexual Assault I Feel Like I Was Molested

[melody666melody]

For the last few years I've been feeling extremely uncomfortable. I'm not sure how to put it into words as there is a lot of details. I'm a 17 year old girl diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety and BPD and take medication for it. I was also diagnosed with PTSD 2 years ago but it was swept under the rug as I was asked "were you sexually assaulted" and I said no. Ever since then I've been really thinking hard and feel like I've put the thoughts in to my head of it. Since I was 12 I've been visiting my dad because my parents are divorced and I've always felt really uncomfortable around him and I'm not sure why. I go out of my way not to come into contact with him because I always feel like its sexual. (This could be because I developed a daddy fetish at about 14 years old so I see father-daughter relationships as something sexual. Probably because I haven't really had a relationship with him at all). A few nights ago I got really drunk with my friend and she talked about how her friend told her how her uncle would touch her. And I jokingly said "Same!!" and laughed (this isn't something i would usually joke/talk about since im very uncomfortable with the subject+ I was very drunk). I said "just kidding!!" and my friend kinda of giggled then became serious and said "really?". I started screaming and crying and saying "it didn't happen" and "do you think it happened?" "everyone thinks it happened" "everyones telling me it happened" "everyone knows!!" implying that I was molested. I started to talk about my boyfriend and I told him I was molested too.....I don't know why. I started screaming that he (my boyfriend) told me i was molested and boys lie to me and tell me I was..I'm sorry if this is confusing and makes me sound like a bad person but I really need help. I see a councillor sometimes but I dont feel comfortable enough with her to talk about the subject and it really seems that she doesn't care. My mum gets mad at me when I was mental break downs (they happen often) and threatens to make me go to hospital because I say I'm going to kill myself. Again I'm sorry if none of this makes sense but I hope somebody could help. Long story short I FEEL like I was molested/I've convinced myself I was but I have no solid memory of it happening.

 

[Ronin]

I'll ask something else -

You said you have 'breakdowns', often.

Is there anyone (professionals if possible) able to help you through them? That you would be able to see in those times?
What can you do for yourself during those 'breakdowns', that stabilizes you and makes you not a risk to yourself?

 

[ghotiff]

Welcome to the forum. You will find lots of support here as you work through this.

Do you know about self soothing. It made such a big change in my life when I learnt it. Maybe it could help you. At is most basic it is to deliberately spend time doing things that are calming or relaxing that you enjoy.

 

[Suzetig]

I think @Cashew makes a good point, there's a need for you to have some stability emotionally regardless of what may or may not have happened with your dad.

It's not that unusual for adolescent girls to have sexual feelings about their dad - Freud built a whole theory around that idea. It sounds like you're searching for answers to how you feel, and that's normal, it does mean the potential for you to take a suggestion and run with it when it may not be relevant to you.

If you have been molested, it'll come to the fore when your system can cope with it. What is real just now is that you're struggling emotionally. Do try to talk to your counsellor about what's going on for you.

 

[Deleted member 34060]

Does your dad do anything that could be considered inappopriate ? Like staring at your body or hugging you longer and tighter than necessary ? Anything like that ? I mean, giving you a long hug when he greets you doesn't *have* to mean anything more than he likes you a lot. But still, anything like this ?