I Feel Like I've Given Up

[felix]

When I read most of the posts here and in other forums I see people who are struggling and trying to move on despite all the suffering. It makes me feel bad when I notice I just don't care. I've got a good family, friend who care for me, financial stability and still, I'm a 28 year man who doesn't do anything on his life and is trying hard to keep things that way. I don't even know what's wrong with me. I feel detached from the world and everytime I try to do something about it, I get so scared and quit. Right now my suffering is boredom, shame and guilt. I feel like I'm different from everyone else, I feel like I dont have a self, and I dont even know how to start being.

I've always been shy, had ADD(just found out recentlly) and some anxious, I was not perfect, but I still cared. 10 years ago I had a really scary experience: I was really depressed, for more than a year, almost couldn't get out of bed. When I finally saw a doctor and got started on an antidepressant, I decided I would go away. Moved to the US as an exchange student and quit my meds and my therapy after 2 months and a half. I don't know what I was thinking and i wasn't stopped by anyone. My doctor at the time didn't care much. I was just starting to get things right, still was depressed, feeling numb, learning to live again. I was 17 and went all by myself to live with a host family. Just after I got there I fell really bad. I had terrible anxiety attacks, fear, despair, I felt like I was losing my mind. I've had 3 months of these awful feelings until I was back on the meds and all of these became less severe. I came back after 7 months of trip, when I started to feel depersonalisation very strongly and thought I had finally gone crazy. You see, no one forced me to do anything, I had a nice and understanding host family, nobody harmed me on anyway. I feel so guilty about that and see it as a evidence that there is something wrong about me.

Since then my life has stuck. In the last 10 years all I've accomplished was a completed year on university, which I left after a bad crisis. I tried to be back to college many times but never completed one discipline. Something scares me. I have no pleasure whatsoever in life, I feel detached from the world, I see myself as fake, I almost dont remember what I've done these last 10 years(amnesia). And still don't want to do anything about it. I don't want to try anything. I Think I'm afraid or I'm just lazy. I've reading some material about borderline personality disorder and I identified myself with a lot of it, even though I'm not aggressive. I'm too quiet. I see a therapist and take Haldol and effexor 150 mg. I just don't have any faith thing will ever be different. I would rather stay hidden from the world, isolated, than to face my fears.

Thanks for listening, and I hope I made myself clear as english is not my first language.
Sorry for the long post

 

[anni]

Please don't be sorry for a long post. What you have to say HAS to be important and take as long as it takes, you know? You do sound terribly depressed, but I don't think would have tooled around, found this forum and posted if something in you still wasn't hoping perhap something could get better for you. I was sort of feeling the same way when I found it, although not as deeply into a depression was just deperate to not be alone anymore with all this crap. Genuinely desperate. I also tend to have some pretty awful guilt over the various depressions and dysfunctions since noone could possibly describe my present life circumstances as anything but very nice, and my childhood a lovely one. It's more than baffling to be left with the broken bits, and also guilt-provoking in the extreme to not be able to ovvercome obstacles when others have so much MORE in the way of their happiness. Drives me crazy!

It does sound, from the way you describe things, that despite the fact that you've been treated perhaps it's not been correctly? Everyone's different, and the chemicals ( meds ) which work for some just do not for others, or in the same amounts and combinations, you know? It does tend to be trial and error, and a huge effort but finding both the 'right' doctor and the right T to work this out with you might prove to be key in finally getting to the bottom of what sounds like some pretty intractible depression/chemical imbalance. Depression doesn't always have to be life circumstances upsetting the balance-you can be born with an incorrect seratonin level, or have had it knocked out of whack by some events you're not aware of. GOOD stress can do it, it's still stress.

I'm only writing because it just sounds as if you really shouldn't flat-out give up through the inattention of professionals, or feeling you don't deserve the correct attention. You haven't just sat around whining, you've kept on making a life, acheiving things despite this dreariness. Perhaps if you have the energy just looking around for another therapist ( I keep capitalizing the word Therapist-there's a Freudian slip indicating it's importance to me! :) Do it allll the time when writing of them, and have to go back and correct it ) you feel is THE one, no matter how long it takes would be a healthy step for you. They in turn would no doubt refer you to a primary care doc THEY trust with your care, and save you finding one by trial and error.

I hope you can find some comfort here, and the confidence to know that quite seriously, you're very worth your own efforts and those of others. Do take care!

Anni

 

[felix]

Thanks for your words anni. I don't even think is a matter of medication anymore. They are doing their job, I feel phisically better. The point is that I feel empty inside, and I'm not doing anything to get better besides going to the T : ) I'm holding myself back, maybe because I'm sacred what I've already felt once, maybe because I'm a proud, lazy, spoiled boy. I know I'm not trying. My last years have been so empty, so confusing.. I don't even remember things that happened, maybe because nothing has happened indeed. I feel Like a young boy who is too scared to play outside and keep himself locked in the room to feel safe. My last 10 years have been so miserable.

 

[changed]

Felix you are not alone.

I feel like im a lost soul, I dont know who I am or what I want and have given up trying, for me its to do with the anxiety and fear, it sounds similar for you. People who havent been through traumatic experiences and who have never felt this way do not understand, they try but they cant. The thing is you are trying! You may not realise it, I didnt until last week when I was hospitalised but you are fighting- you are still here! I have found over the last week that I should praise myself, I wasnt doing anything, not connecting, trying nothing, although I have realised this week that although on the outside we may not appear to be trying and look lazy, on the inside we are fighting this tremendous battle with ourselves which is exhausting! Felix you are winning battles everyday by surviving it, and in time all those victories will give you the strength to win your war- your life back, and live for the future.

Im sorry if this isnt any help. I relate to how you are feeling, im only just at the other side of it. I know its hard but you need to look at the positive part of each day to move forward.

Take Care xx

 

[felix]

Hey changed, I'm still here for sure, but if I'm not dead, I don't feel alive either. I'm just watching life passing me by. I dont want to try anything, because that would make me stare at all my limits, all my issues. RIght now I feel Bored. I quit again college after I had a suicide attempt 3 weeks ago. I was so anxious because I didn't want to go to school and I didn't know why. The idea of committing myself to anything suffocates me. I'm just doing nothing with my life. That's why I might be only a scared kid, who is spoiled and is afraid to grow up. I thought about going inpatient for a while, trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I suspect though I just want to be on the confortable victim position. I'm desperated, can't take this anymore. I think I'm so messed up I don't even know to take advantage of the help people offers me.Just want to be left alone.
Thank you,

 

[anni]

I don't know. You see, I'm not a professional but I still do think it's a bit kicking yourself to think perhaps it's 'just' lazy, you know? Changed did make a good point in that you're still searching and knowing there IS a way you wish to feel but haven't found yet. It's irritating as heck to have strangers like me 'tell' you things when you're the one in your own head. life and experiences so do not mean to frustrate you with any of this. It's just that boy, your emptiness and plain lack of 'oomph' really does sound as if there's just plain something not quite tuned-up chemically, that's all. You've managed to deal with it for so long, and are bright so label yourself lazy because nothing has made a difference-it then MUST be something YOU are doing 'wrong'. That's kid of indicative of classic deression all by itself, really. I'm not saying meds are the only answer, just that maybe looking at different options might be a possibility. Paxil is awful for me, for instance- turns me into a mindless, tubby slug. Any SSRI at too high a dose make me a Stepford Wife-complacent in the extreme ( always a bad speller however) so personally a low-dose Zoloft 'works', along with keeping the physical excersize going.All of this then juggled with some form of therapy-you get the idea. At some point that click happens, that's all. The chemistry becomes stable and interest in life happens. It's tough to describe, and from your point of view probably awfully tough to believe. You've tried, looed, worked and all with no success. It's just that everyone is very, very different in what works, and it doesn't sound s if you've ever had anyone really pay attention to your case long enough to really make a difference for you. I just wish you'd not quite give up yet. :)

 

[Iam]

Hi Felix, I am sorry that you have had such a hard time these last 10 years....that must feel like forever. I was going to write the same thing as Anni. Trying different meds at different doses is essential until you find the right one. I have suffered from depression all my life....I literally remember it as young a 8 years old. Prozac for me gave me the WORST panic attacks. Zoloft didn't work. Celexa helped but I ended up feeling numb & empty. I have weaned off all meds for now at my T's recommendation and only to access my emotions. I will go back on Celexa at a very low dose, 5mg, at some point.

All that to say, it really does sound like you need to experiment a little to find the right combination. I am glad you found the forum. I hope you find it helps you on your journey to find fulfillment and happiness. BTW...your english is quite good ;o)

 

[felix]

I've already thought about quitting the meds to let my emotions come to surface. I've on antidepressants for so long I don't even know what they are doing for me.
What I feel is that What I experienced while on the US was so overwhelming that I just decided I didn't want to play anymore you know? Thanks Iam and anny for posting. I just recently changed from lexapro to effexor 150. I feel some better.

 

[anni]

I wonder if that's an idea, as long as perhaps supervised by a doc? Maybe figure out where things are as a baseline, since they've had you on various things for so long who on earth knows what the organic situation is at the moment? I hate to introduce a too-light note but it made me think of something the kids tease me about-been dying my hair blond for so long noone knows what the real color is anymore. :)

 

[felix]

Very good analogy anni. I've taking antidepresants since I was 17, 11 years ago. I don't know if quitting them is a possibility or if I would get something out of it. I'm pretty sure my doc and my therapist wouldn't agree with that. What bothers me the most is my fear of trying something, and my pride. sometimes I think I'm so hurt that I became too proud to play the game. I'm 28 and I don't do anything really. I just wait the days to end. I've got no goals, no plans, no hobbies. I don't know how to start doing things in another way.
About the meds, do you know anyone who have felt better after quitting them? I mean, more alive?

 

[anni]

Gosh that's a tough one. Not being any kind of professional and getting into the whole med thing-but geesh-if you've been on them since 17, it stands to reason you don't know what color your hair is, you know? I DO know there are threads here, and more than one, that discuss this sort of thing, top to bottom and sidesways, as it were. I've seen all the perspectives discussed-going off them, adjusting them, fear both ways and yes, success both ways. The med thing seems to be as individual as everyone's mysterious chemistries seem to be-which is kind of what drives me crazy about the way they can get prescribed. An antibiotic-well, age, weight, type of bacteria, it's documented what will kill the thing. Knowing which hormone requires how much of what surely is a ton more dicey, yet there seems to be the same finite precription methods. The one which works for me shouldn't, the doc tells me, at the low dose- I Google and did find that there are studies showing yes, it DOES, Well heck, I could have told them that. :)

Noone should have to drip through the day like that, I think, especially when really knwoing it's not correct and LOOKING to now be that way. I don't know-research is really, really good. I tend to take print-outs to my doc-he's mostly receptive if they're not from a kooky sort of site. If you've been on this stuff for so long it's just good to research what goes on in the body/head if one does go off them, plus have supervision from a supportive doc. I'm seriously not trying to talk you into or out of anything at all-just to not give up since something IS off somewhere for you to feel so dreadfully flat allll the time. On them, off them, adjusted-something is an answer, if not the answer, plus the therapy. Those threads ( sorry not to be able to inpoint them ) really do have an awful lot of discussion-I'd have to bet you'll see more than one member recognizably like yourself.

Now if I can figure out what these roots look like-but kind of figure they're gray-ish these days so the blond is going to continue!