I Feel Like The World Wants Me Dead ...

[NovemberStar]

@digger as I said - if I was halfway through a birth I wouldn't be in the right state to stop and go straight to therapy and then back to providing care to my client. It's hard enough when I'm called for something that can wait, just as I'm going to see my T. Classic example a couple weeks back (seeing my pdoc) when my pager went and I had to deal with an emergency right as I was trying to drive to my app. I had to phone several colleagues to find a solution as my client needed to be seen straight away. Thankfully one colleague happened to already be at the hospital and was free to help! But the entire app I was not able to focus on talking to my dr and was all over the place. My colleague is ok with covering me while I have my session but she would not agree to cover me if I called her 3am on the app day to go in and provide care for one of my clients - my app with my T is first thing in the morning. As chances have it it is now 8am and I will be heading off to see my T soon. If I was called out by a client of mine right now then I would ask my colleague to cover HOWEVER - that depends if she was available - she might be already at a birth or she might have been up all night and desperate to sleep. I cannot cover every possibility in this situation. But today, so far so good! (And 99% of the time, if I'm called, even when struggling with flashbacks / suicidal mood, I am able to somehow "'snap out of it" and go straight into work mode - it's been a real help!).

@bell - yes, I go through periods of major distractions - I will get obsessed with a new thing and it will distract me for a while. Snowboarding is a huge one for me - it helps me most of the winter but sadly it's a short season of 4 months and as the weather gets warmer it stops being effective. I love love love LOVE snowboarding - but the last 2 times I made myself go I was actively suicidal while up at the mountain and would go up the lift wanting to die and cry'; have a brief vague relief woe boarding down the mountain, then right back to feeling hopeless and full of despair. Cos of work I only get up there every second weekend and there is just 2 weeks left of the season. My heart has gone out of it now, but I still force myself to go anyway. I do already volunteer at the local pet shelter. Due to work commitments I've had to reduce from once a week to once a fortnight. I also tried scrapbooking / making cards / painting / writing / drawing which have been helpful at various times but my interest wanes very very quickly. I can be absolutely passionate and obsessed about a new 'hobby' one week, and zero interest the next.

Tomorrow I will go snowboarding (if it's open as bad weather is forecast). Even if my mood is very low. I'm proud of the progress I've made in just 2 full seasons - I've gone from beginner to advanced intermediate and can do the expert trails - albeit it a bit slowly! Proudest achievement is I'm on the ''big' jumps in the terrain parks now; and get a little ''air' :D

(Wow I even managed a smile and a bit of passion when typing that!)

@greenleaf - I believe it too (only when yr mind is ready) but I'm desperate enough I'd risk it if it were possible. Not that my T or pdoc would probably support it anyway but given it's not even a remote possibility there's little point thinking about it. You're right on it too - if I could believe I was able to cope and tolerate the feelings / remembering, I would be able to process things. I think where I get stuck is - that I was so unable to cope at the time of the trauma, is a key part of what was so traumatising. The flashbacks are of the aftermath - the aftermath itself was traumatising because I realised for the first time, there really truly was NO ONE to turn to and no one to help and I was absolutely left alone to deal with it and I had no coping abilities whatsoever - other thanh to shut myself in the bedroom cupboard (that my mother shut me in as a punishment ) and to close my eyes and wish myself dead. I also dissociated. My flashbacks have revealed I was in my bedroom for a while, the key feeling being horrified at what had happened, and believing death to be the only tolerable way out of it all. I have no idea what I did or how I felt after I left that bedroom. I do know I dissociated badly as a child. So I probably did that. I have a memory of being so full of anxiety and dissociating it felt like I was going to pass out. I couldn't stand up or walk properly, and although my mother was near me, I staggered away from her and fell onto the floor. And was aware she had no idea how to help me or what to do - which reinforced the severe anxiety and panic.

I know a key issue is coming to believe I can 'cope' but at the time I really did not 'cope' and I know if I had known HOW to die that day, I would not be here. I'm afraid of remembering and being in a flashback long enough that I do kill myself - I get a lot of suicidal ideation that is quite convincing at times that the 'answer' IS to take my life as a way of 'finishing"' the unresolved trauma. I'll have flashbacks and get dissociated and start believing if I kill myself now, time stops at the time of the trauma. Kinda like being able to go back in time and do it differently. The flashbacks really do feel like gong back in time because it is so damn real that it is happening right NOW.

 

[NovemberStar]

Just wanted to pop back and say thank you to everyone who took the time to reply.

I saw my T yesterday and did a lot of work in our session. I took her my art therapy picture (which she kept) and it helped me explain to her exactly how bad and hard things are right now. I was also able to tell her how I felt and my thoughts that I might not make it through this and that I felt really bad for her, because it's awful to say I don think I'll make it when she's been going out of her way to help me. I todo her I feel guilty because it feels like at some level I'm saying a big 'f^ck you' for all she's done to help and support me - although I also know she probably won't see it that way and that I'm only expressing those things because of the pain I'm in.

I did feel quite a bit lighter after our session. I opened up a lot. I could hear the sadness in her voice when expressing how much I really wanted to die as a young child and how if only I had know 'how' to die then I really would have done it and I wouldn't be here today. I will email her next week to let her know it did help being able to be honest with her - she always wants me to be honest and reminds me frequently that no matter what it is, it's ok to say - she will 'cope'.

 

[Tinyflame]

That's really good you have that @NovemberStar . :hug:

I've never thought 'the world wants me dead' as the world could not care less, but I have had family say they wish it. I have however felt the reality of being without help or not knowing what else to do or seemingly coming up empty ('the powers that be').

I think 'me' wanting me dead (other than family saying so) is different from others wanting me to be, they may be indifferent or want the opposite. It's hard to understand the 'posititivity' of others, rather than the negative or anything other than indifference. However, I think from what others write & say self-hatred is the contributor (amongst other things) to how we feel. Especially if we concentrate on the negative.

So maybe part of managing is putting blinders on the negative & focusing on the positive. For example maybe your T has faith in you. Sounds like she feels it's worth trying. (You are worth it, & worth trying for). Maybe she has a plan. Maybe she's seen this all before, (though you are unique). Maybe like so many people say it takes time.

:hug:

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

@NovemberStar, the top of the forums says, "Depression and trauma are disconnective disorders. Reconnect!" It's so true. When you are going snowboarding, go there with a group of people. Go out into your community and force yourself to connect with people, no matter how uncomfortable it is. You are too isolated. I know this place that you are in. I battled with it for quite awhile and became suicidal. No matter what, you must get up and force yourself to do it.

The way it has made you feel a bit better by talking about it, shows you that talking about it makes it lose its power. When I have felt suicidal and felt the sense of panic coming over me, I learned that telling someone else in person (in your case, it can be your T) is what helps me recover from it. I too, felt like I would be burdening that other person. I felt like I would be giving them my pain and then they would have my pain because of it. It's just not true. That is the darkness lying to us! I told that person, it was immensely uncomfortable and I cried like a blubbering baby, but when it was over, it lost its power at least longer than it has with me trying to do it on my own.

Keep reaching out. You do want to live, I know you do.

As others have said here, it is scary. Facing your own mortality is very scary. It's also a very normal part of life and it sucks, it really does suck at first. But the more you talk about it and the more you force yourself to connect with human beings, it will lose its grip on you, I PROMISE YOU!

For me, I found that the suicidal thoughts didn't actually mean what I thought they did. They were masking something else. In my case, it was a panic attack that left me feeling like I was going to die (that's traumatic). In your case, it could be the earthquakes you mentioned where you thought that was it for your life (that's traumatic)....explore that. Anybody who is traumatized by an experience where they thought they were going to die would have thoughts about mortality and suicide. It's normal.

You are normal. There is nothing wrong with you. The only thing wrong with you is that you keep thinking that there is something wrong with you. You desperately need meaningful human contact! You have a WHOLE life ahead of you and you have the insight that a large percentage of people in this world do not have because they have never experienced what you have. You have SO MUCH to offer in the form of help to others and you, you have a hope inside of you that will anchor the souls of others. Grab onto it!

P.S. Watching the Disney channel really really reallllly helped me when I was in this place that you are in right now. I know that sounds really strange, but it helps. Also, practicing some sort of a spiritual path really helps too. You can do this. I'm rooting for you!