A couple days ago, I went to see a P doc for the first time in about 2 or 3 years....I'm not good at keeping track of days, dates, length of time and stuff like that. Anyway, I hated doing it but it was the right thing to do. I had to go through my whole life story AGAIN. Not fun.
Now today it is all I can do to participate in the things going on around me. Nobody knows what's going on inside me. As far as I know, nobody sees that anything unusual is happening at all. I can't wait until I can be alone so that I can just let go and disappear in front of the TV.
Nothing seems real. Not even me. Not even this keyboard. There is a funny feeling inside that comes around when the weather turns - and then when I get that feeling and also hear someone in the neighborhood using a chain saw or something that sounds like that (like a weed eater), I start rememering other times in my life when I've heard that and had that exact same feeling. It is so distracting that I can't focus on whatever I should be doing. I feel so lost and alone. Don't know why this happens but I can remember having this exact feeling and the sounds when I was about 5 or 6 years old and puzzling about it back then too. My biological father was abusive and he was a logger. I can only assume the terrible feeling of dread and anxiety and whatever else I can't putmy finger on has to do with his chainsaw.
The words that I speak today don't even seem real. When I speak, I wonder if I really said that. It doesn't even quite sound like my voice. And where did the thoughts come from before the words came out? Because even though what I said was relevant to the conversation, it was like a surprise because I was really in deep thought about very different things. I don't even know if I'm explaining this in a comprehensible way.
I've come a long way over the years, but don't think I fully grasp what is happening to me rigt now. Any thoughts, ideas or comments are very welcome.
Now today it is all I can do to participate in the things going on around me. Nobody knows what's going on inside me. As far as I know, nobody sees that anything unusual is happening at all. I can't wait until I can be alone so that I can just let go and disappear in front of the TV.
Nothing seems real. Not even me. Not even this keyboard. There is a funny feeling inside that comes around when the weather turns - and then when I get that feeling and also hear someone in the neighborhood using a chain saw or something that sounds like that (like a weed eater), I start rememering other times in my life when I've heard that and had that exact same feeling. It is so distracting that I can't focus on whatever I should be doing. I feel so lost and alone. Don't know why this happens but I can remember having this exact feeling and the sounds when I was about 5 or 6 years old and puzzling about it back then too. My biological father was abusive and he was a logger. I can only assume the terrible feeling of dread and anxiety and whatever else I can't putmy finger on has to do with his chainsaw.
The words that I speak today don't even seem real. When I speak, I wonder if I really said that. It doesn't even quite sound like my voice. And where did the thoughts come from before the words came out? Because even though what I said was relevant to the conversation, it was like a surprise because I was really in deep thought about very different things. I don't even know if I'm explaining this in a comprehensible way.
I've come a long way over the years, but don't think I fully grasp what is happening to me rigt now. Any thoughts, ideas or comments are very welcome.
