Before (for 1.5 years):
A. Daily baseline was a high state of arousal. Hypothalamus was always dominant every second of every day.
B. Very active startle response, especially to clanging noises, slamming doors, and anyone raising their voices, generally followed by a series of panic attacks; restaurants were almost guaranteed to cause problems.
C. Letters from mother and various intrusive thoughts--the latter mainly religion-related--also resulted in a series of panic attacks
D. Time was fuzzy
E. Making long-term memories was not so great
F. Thinking was very polarized...very black and white
G. Severe cramping and burning sensations in chest and arms
H. I vacillated between frightened and extremely angry, in a reactive manner, at anything that was likely to set me off.
I. I was almost completely unable to look at the small pieces of a larger task, only the larger task (and then felt overwhelmed)
J. I felt EVERYTHING. This one is harder to explain, but every slight or tension or whathaveyou toward myself or others just rocked me physically and emotionally.
K. Reading about PTSD symptoms was very triggering.
L. Go to sleep feeling sick and frightened, wake up feeling sick and frightened. Tons of nightmares.
6 months of accelerated transition.
Now:
A. Baseline is quite low. Cerebral Cortex is in charge 85-90% of the time.
B. Much lower startle response. I often do not startle at all, and if I do, I usually come right back down within seconds. If I do startle to the point my lizard brain really engages, I employ grounding techniques. I am always better by the next morning. A friend (who also has PTSD) who moved away about 8 months ago was visiting a couple weeks ago and said I was very different. Not jumpy, calm, etc. It was nice to hear about the changes in me from someone who is in tune to that stuff and who hasn't seen me in a while. It made them even more real.
C. These can still be upsetting to me, but far less often than previously. They now seem like things to sort through and deal with, set boundaries around, etc...rather than physical events battering my body. I have learned to cry and grieve for my losses and confusions and hurts. I accept that I can't always be perfect, and that I am on a journey where I am taking care of myself as best I can.
D. Short-term memory doesn't seem much better, but I now attribute it to "being a flake" rather than panic! *lol*
E. Long-term memories are pretty ok now, though I keep wondering "where did the last two years go?" and that feels a little weird.
F. Thinking is quite nuanced and open-minded.
G. Severe pain shocks are gone. I still feel a light burning, but I think that is just residual stuff.
H. I'm much more level-headed about everything. I just don't get that set off by much of anything anymore. I'm like a duck.
I. I love looking at small pieces of tasks. I'm productive at work and at home again, and tackling the chaos.
J. I don't even notice irritations half the time, and often, when I do, they are no big deal now. I do sometimes get upset about stuff, but it seems pretty comparable to the reactions of the masses.
K. Reading about PTSD symptoms now gets me very emotional, but it doesn't send me right to a bad place...takes a long time. I've even been reading Wally Lamb's "The Hour I First Believed" which tells the story of a school nurse in the thick of the Columbine massacre and her resultant PTSD. I really identified with her experience of being traumatized, and recognized PTSD symptoms. My response was a lot of feeling my sorrow that people get hurt this way...I cried a lot. And I put down the book for a few days to let myself process it on an emotional level instead of with a panic attack or flashback.
L. I've never been a great sleeper, but I don't go to sleep and wake up in that hyper-aroused state. I still have nightmares, and I talk about them with loved ones, cry, process my feelings, etc.
I'm so glad to feel this way. I was starting to forget that I had ever been another way...another state of being. I am so grateful for the lack of torture. I have a lot of boundaries in my life and such...most people do. I insist people respect them, and if they don't I do take space from them. I am determined to take care of myself.
I don't know if I am destined to fall back into that constant-on state again, but I do know now that Iwent through feeling crazy and tormented and tortured and terrified and that I can survive it and come out the other side to a calmer baseline. I will survive and thrive. I can get through another one if that is what is in store for me, or I can proceed with new copes, never having to fall so deep into that again, if that is what is in store for me.
So, it's not perfect, but my state is quite different these days. Life is not bad at all.
Take heart, and keep fighting!
Mary
A. Daily baseline was a high state of arousal. Hypothalamus was always dominant every second of every day.
B. Very active startle response, especially to clanging noises, slamming doors, and anyone raising their voices, generally followed by a series of panic attacks; restaurants were almost guaranteed to cause problems.
C. Letters from mother and various intrusive thoughts--the latter mainly religion-related--also resulted in a series of panic attacks
D. Time was fuzzy
E. Making long-term memories was not so great
F. Thinking was very polarized...very black and white
G. Severe cramping and burning sensations in chest and arms
H. I vacillated between frightened and extremely angry, in a reactive manner, at anything that was likely to set me off.
I. I was almost completely unable to look at the small pieces of a larger task, only the larger task (and then felt overwhelmed)
J. I felt EVERYTHING. This one is harder to explain, but every slight or tension or whathaveyou toward myself or others just rocked me physically and emotionally.
K. Reading about PTSD symptoms was very triggering.
L. Go to sleep feeling sick and frightened, wake up feeling sick and frightened. Tons of nightmares.
6 months of accelerated transition.
Now:
A. Baseline is quite low. Cerebral Cortex is in charge 85-90% of the time.
B. Much lower startle response. I often do not startle at all, and if I do, I usually come right back down within seconds. If I do startle to the point my lizard brain really engages, I employ grounding techniques. I am always better by the next morning. A friend (who also has PTSD) who moved away about 8 months ago was visiting a couple weeks ago and said I was very different. Not jumpy, calm, etc. It was nice to hear about the changes in me from someone who is in tune to that stuff and who hasn't seen me in a while. It made them even more real.
C. These can still be upsetting to me, but far less often than previously. They now seem like things to sort through and deal with, set boundaries around, etc...rather than physical events battering my body. I have learned to cry and grieve for my losses and confusions and hurts. I accept that I can't always be perfect, and that I am on a journey where I am taking care of myself as best I can.
D. Short-term memory doesn't seem much better, but I now attribute it to "being a flake" rather than panic! *lol*
E. Long-term memories are pretty ok now, though I keep wondering "where did the last two years go?" and that feels a little weird.
F. Thinking is quite nuanced and open-minded.
G. Severe pain shocks are gone. I still feel a light burning, but I think that is just residual stuff.
H. I'm much more level-headed about everything. I just don't get that set off by much of anything anymore. I'm like a duck.
I. I love looking at small pieces of tasks. I'm productive at work and at home again, and tackling the chaos.
J. I don't even notice irritations half the time, and often, when I do, they are no big deal now. I do sometimes get upset about stuff, but it seems pretty comparable to the reactions of the masses.
K. Reading about PTSD symptoms now gets me very emotional, but it doesn't send me right to a bad place...takes a long time. I've even been reading Wally Lamb's "The Hour I First Believed" which tells the story of a school nurse in the thick of the Columbine massacre and her resultant PTSD. I really identified with her experience of being traumatized, and recognized PTSD symptoms. My response was a lot of feeling my sorrow that people get hurt this way...I cried a lot. And I put down the book for a few days to let myself process it on an emotional level instead of with a panic attack or flashback.
L. I've never been a great sleeper, but I don't go to sleep and wake up in that hyper-aroused state. I still have nightmares, and I talk about them with loved ones, cry, process my feelings, etc.
I'm so glad to feel this way. I was starting to forget that I had ever been another way...another state of being. I am so grateful for the lack of torture. I have a lot of boundaries in my life and such...most people do. I insist people respect them, and if they don't I do take space from them. I am determined to take care of myself.
I don't know if I am destined to fall back into that constant-on state again, but I do know now that Iwent through feeling crazy and tormented and tortured and terrified and that I can survive it and come out the other side to a calmer baseline. I will survive and thrive. I can get through another one if that is what is in store for me, or I can proceed with new copes, never having to fall so deep into that again, if that is what is in store for me.
So, it's not perfect, but my state is quite different these days. Life is not bad at all.
Take heart, and keep fighting!
Mary
