I Feel Myself Slipping Away

[ronin47]

She feels if we start a family things will change on their own for him.

NO! NO! AND NO AGAIN!!!

Do not, I repeat, do NOT assume that this will change on its own. As I said before, alcoholism does not just go away "on its own." It isn't going to happen. Having a child is a joy, but it is also stressful, there's no getting around that. If your husband hasn't learned any alternative coping skills, where do you think he's going to turn for relief when the stress of being woken up by a crying baby at 2:00am every night for two weeks starts to build up?

I'm sorry. I know that's not what you want to hear, but I my conscience would not be clean if I didn't say it.

Also, I don't think anyone's suggesting that you divorce your husband or anything like that. What I, and I think others, are trying to say is it would be helpful for you to spend some time apart. My aunt went through a rough patch with her husband. He would get very angry and verbally abusive. She came and spent a couple weeks with me and my mother and then went back and, from the sounds of it, they are doing much better. Often times it is best for everyone involved, including the marriage itself. It's like I once heard a psychologist say to a couple, "You two can't live together right now if your marriage is going to have a chance at surviving."

You are expressing thoughts of suicide. You are in immense emotional pain. Pain is the body's way of telling you something's not right. Something needs to change in order for you heal. You are no good to yourself, your husband, your marriage, or your future children in the current emotional state you're in. And your emotional state isn't going to change unless something about your enviornment changes. Even if that something is adjusted and/or augmented professional help.

It really sounds to me like you are trying to minimize and excuse you husband's behaviour. You say he has mellowed out, but what happens when, as I mentioned before, the stress of having a newborn child gets thrown into the mix?

How does your husband act when he is drunk? How many times a week does he drink? Does he go out and drink with his buddies or does he drink himself to sleep at night? Does it effect his ability to function in day to day activities? How many times have you asked him to stop drinking and he does it anyway? How many times have you gotten into fights related to his drinking? These are some very hard questions you need to be asking yourself.

Personally, I don't think your marriage is beyond saving. I don't think you and your husband having children together is something that can't ever happen.

But as your situation stands right now you both need to do some serious work on yourselves and on your marriage before you can think about having a baby. Your mother in law is guilty of wishful thinking. Having a baby isn't going to fix anything.

I'm sorry if you are frustrated by what you are hearing. My original offer still stands. You can message me whenever you feel like you need to vent. I won't even respond if you don't want me to. I'll just send you smiley face or something in reply.

 

[Queen Boudica]

I feel like I should have never opened my mouth. I appreciate everyones words of wisdom though. Thanks.

MouseWedger. You need to keep opening that mouth and talking about this. Go to Al-anon and speak to others who are in the same situation as you and those with children. Speak to the wives of alcoholics with children. Get them to tell you what is like for them and for the children. Visit their houses, speak to the children about how they feel about it. Remember your own childhood.

Keep talking. And talk to your husband about what you are hearing from others who are in the same situation. If he cannot wake up and do the work now he will never do it with the stress of children. He has you to look after him now. When you have kids, your priority will be the kids. His will still be the alcohol.

Look, I am in the situation of having been in denial about my mariage for 24 years. I am older and tireder and I have 3 young kids to get out of this mess. I didn't want to leave my husband, I did not want him to be abusive and controlling, but he is and he is not accepting responsibility. And I have let myself get into this useless situation. And now I have to crawl out of it. I have to. It is a hard tough decision that will tear me apart, but I am not going to get to 50 and be in the same situation or worse. I think that I will recover from this, I think it will get better. And it will get better for you. BUT you have to put your foot down now. You HAVE to keep talking and if he does not listen then respect yourself and get out before it is too late.

I think probably you are not ready to hear this now, but remember it next time he comes home drunk, remember how you are feeling then and read all the words of advice that people are giving you. It does not have to end with you separating, but it does have to at least end with a lot of work on both your parts. Life is hard VERY VERY hard. And you have to work hard even without all our baggage. Especially when you bring children into this World.

I feel so much empathy for you. No one is forcing you to do anything. Just think about all your options and think about yourself and those unborn kids. Not about your husband. He is not thinking about you or your kids he is thinking about himself and the alcohol. He needs to wake up and if he cannot then it is too late. But not for you. It is not too late for you.

These are very very hard things to think about, especially when you are so down. That is why taking a break away just might help you think more clearly, give you a rest and stop you from being triggered continuously.

Just don't know what else to say. Just hope something helps. You are worth it and you need to keep talking. Keep that in your head.

 

[Tinyflame]

I promised him forever and it is something that I still stand by.

Dear Mouse, but would you choose to make choices that will ultimately harm him, yourself, and future family? That is what happens when you enable him.

Try AlAnon- even on the phone. Go to an open AA meeting.
What's the worse thing that can happen- you will feel better? :)xox
(P.S- They don't counsel to 'chuck' anybody).

Then, there will be so much joy, hope, clarity, concrete ways to help him by helping yourself.
Sometimes love is not enough.

Best wishes xox

 

[MouseWedger]

Thank you guys, I do appreciate the thoughts and advice. My husband does well taking care of children, and actually doesn't drink when he does. He took care of our nephews when they were babies, they are twins. He didn't drink then and did OK with the stress. I know what you are all saying though, about babies being hard work, expensive and causing a lot of stress and headache.

 

[Tinyflame]

Dear Mouse, it's not about his inability to be even a tremendous father- sober and healthy, but a baby won't bring him sobriety, the added stress is likely to escalate the pressure and also his drinking. It's not a question of will power, on his part. Never in the long run.

I don't want to be horribly blunt- I am very aware of problem drinking- AA's have a saying, 'there are 3 ends to it: sobriety, the insane asylum, or the morgue'.

Please help him to help himself (and help yourself), first, before you try to introduce a baby into the picture. :cry:

 

[BloomInWinter]

Bloom,
I don't think she feels it will "heal" his addiction (if indeed that's what it is, I am no doctor) but rather help him to see that he needs to change his habits.

My Grandmother (Dad's Mom) and my Mom thought the same thing.

My dad never wanted me or my sisters. He never stopped telling me that. He never let up that he was forced into fatherhood.

I hope you put your focus on yourself and solely on your needs...whatever they are. Staying married, or just taking a 'wait and see' stance, or no. Having a baby, or taking a 'wait and see' for now, or not.

But...I do hope you'll give yourself permission to have needs, and then give yourself the love, comfort, and attention to discover what those needs....and wants....are.

Alcoholism is a family disease. It is progressive, and fatal. The symptoms may wax and wane, but where it travels in one direction....down. The detail that matters to me now is 'how many people will this person harm before hitting bottom? Do I want to be one of them?'

20 some years later, and thousands of 12 Step Meetings, and I've never...never....seen an exception.

I speak as a drunk.

Drunks don't drink because they need [insert entitlement or flaw here], or because [insert trauma here], or because [insert long detailed explanation here].

Drunks drink because they are drunks. No rationalizations are needed. You are not the cause of his drnking. You cannot control it, though it is your choice whether or not you wish to try. You can spend your energy any way you choose.

You are not his cure, and neither is anyone else. Especially not your baby, should you choose that path.

If your life with your hubby were to never get better than it is right now, would that be enough for you? Because that is a question you deserve to ask yourself.

...and none of us knows how it is to live your life. These comments share wisdom and pain, grief and loss...but they are, after all, just our thoughts. You can take some, all, or none of our suggestions.

I do suspect you know inside what you need....want....and are willing to do.

I'm so honored you're allowing us to be a small part of your journey. Because someone who has been through what you have, and remains working towards survival, is amazingly courageous.

Wishing you comfort, discernment, rest, and that you'll be able to see the wonderful person you are, and make friends with her.

She's one tough cookie.

;)

(((((MouseWedger)))))

 

[MouseWedger]

Thank you Bloom. You have truly made me smile this morning. That person really is one tough cookie and I'm realizing that.

I do believe, in my heart, that if this is all there ever is, I will be OK. He has started to take a serious look at his drinking, and has even been willing to admit there "might" be a problem with it. It's progress, and I'm very proud of him for that. He does want to be a father, it's a frequent topic he brings up lately. I know a baby wont "fix" things and will bring more stress than I can imagine, but I'm hoping if a baby comes our way that I'll see a light in them I have thought was gone for a long time now. I can't put how I'm feeling into words this morning, maybe its the lack of coffee, Im not sure. But that is the best way I can put it. I see a glimmer of that light, though in different shades, in other peoples children. I think, in my heart, I'm looking to find the light that was stolen from me, and to nurture it into a a giant fireball that can take on the world and find everything they deserve. I hope that makes sense, and doesn't sound selfish. Because selfish is far from the feelings I have, and now Im rambling =)

 

[BloomInWinter]

What's wrong with sounding selfish? Seriously? You don't sound selfish at all...but it would be perfectly fine if you did! You give and give...a good healthy dose of selfish is truly ok, too. You deserve to have your wants, too...

Good for you, (((((((((MouseWedger)))))))))

What is one troublesome thing that bothers you the most right now? That's the behavior/situation to focus on solutions for so it stops stealing your energy. Is there something that jumps out?

 

[MouseWedger]

Fine! Im being selfish. I want a baby dammit. I want a baby to love unconditionally, to care for, and to spoil like I never was. I think I'm ready to lose more sleep, Im fresh outta college so I'm still used to it! I can totally give without reserve and let my needs be passed over for a baby. Hell, my dog eats better than I do most of the time because I like to see her happy and I don't care about me. I want to spoil a whining, screaming, puking pile of poo and give them the world Devil Lady never wanted to give me. Here's to selfishness!

 

[BloomInWinter]

AWESOME!!!! Good for you!!!

It's great to see a woman finding her voice!

(Now...to work on that 'I don't care about me' thang...so you can teach your baby that it's ok to care about his/herself first, ya gotta be doing it through example... :> )

 

[heidi]

I think you should find a new relationship. I know that sounds cold and pragmatic, but really if this is so important to you, you might not be able to change you husband. That's probably the worst sounding advice anyone could ever give.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Heidi,

Just asking for clarification. Were you speaking about my posts in with the quoted comment?

That's probably the worst sounding advice anyone could ever give.