I Feel So Alone Lately

[Hemels]

Hi guys, :hello:

I first introduced myself in the introduction boards about 3 months ago but then got rather ill and didn't want to communicate much. I've had alot of things trigger my PTSD off recently that the doctor advised me to go on medication to calm me down somewhat. He put me on Citalopram 20mg and wondered if anyone else has used this?

At first it seemed to lift me where I felt almost light as a feather with not being triggered or depressed or anxious but the more I take it the less it seems to work. I explained this to my pdoc when I went to see her on Wedneday but she said it's due to me not being on it long and to bear with it.

I feel so alone cause everyone around me doesnt understand and people seem to think that I'm attention seeking and doing this because I get the attention I so crave, but I'm obviously not. Then I get the people (like my own mother) who seem to think I brought this on myself because I didn't just up and leave my ex :mad: (as if leaving an abusive relationship is the easiest thing to do in the world). The only person that seems to try to understand me is my partner (of a year) who is trying to help by looking after me but then I get so confused because I want to trust him and I do but I'm frightened he'll hit me or hurt me like my ex did & I'll be back to square one.

Today has been a really hard day for me since I've had nothing but triggers all day at work, only Lord knows how on earth I managed to complete my work today because I haven't been able to concentrate properly :stupid: I feel like screaming, banging my head against and wall :wall: and pulling my hair out :doh:

Hemmy

 

[BethRSA]

Hi Hemels!

Welcome back. I'm glad you have a caring partner, but if you need to vent, learn or just chat you know where we are.

I haven't been on your med, so I can't help you there. Hopefully someone else can.

 

[TLight]

Welcome Hemmels;

Hope things are doing a bit better for you today. Med adjustments are hard and then having PTSD where we aren't even in our body enough to really know what's happening is even harder.

Haven't taken your med, but the only one that's worked for me so far is SEroquel 100 mg. Really got a handle on some of the worse symptoms and stabilized me so I could even work on some of the trauma that happened to me.

Keep checked in, there are a lot of people here who understand.

My advice, have really strong boundaries around those who don't. The risk is too great........stay away from those people who are judging and hurting, or at least don't even bring up the subject at all. Secondary wounding is horrendous for our mental health.

 

[ANCHOR]

I have had to take citalopram...

I have had to take citalopram. I was told it was an antidepressant.

On the one hand, it was helpful to get out of the depression and keep me upbeat...but in my gut I knew the feeling was just fake. I took it for about six months or so. Because it was strong for me...I knew when I quit taking it I would have to reexperience my memories because the "happy" feeling was just covering it up. But you have to analyze the meds affects on you yourself. Maybe keep a journal and just write down daily feelings, changes, etc. Brief notes, to look at later or take to therapy.

It is important to do things to help keep the depression from setting in. Prolonged depression actually can shrink the hippocampus area of the brain which supports emotion and memory, which is why we experience memory differently after we have PTSD. There are some other medical explanations but this is pretty much the jist of it. So analyze your antidepressant, be honest about any side affects. If you feel too flat or numb...it might be too high a dosage and they can reduce it. But it takes a couple months to kick in. And to get off meds you have to slowly reduce them over time. It's not good to just quit, it shocks the brain.

I also took seroquel briefly. This is categorized as an antipsychotic but like most antipsychotics has a number of uses that bridge over into depression, PTSD, and other mental conditions. The reason for this is that they really don't have consistent tests that prove that these disorders we suffer affect every human in the exact same areas of the brain and in the same way to the same degree. So they try them out until one suits you.

This drug didn't work for me. It made me hallucinate which is what antipsychotic drugs do to people who do not need them. Which added to my PTSD. Because of this bridge of uses for these drugs...I am careful to research them now...and the history of how they were discovered and what parts of the brain they effect and how much theory verses actual proof I can find, etc. The doctors tend to just skip this information which is why psychiatric therapy is so scary. Not being informed is actually very isolating. But we are very sensitive as sufferers and they are trying to keep it simple for us...to help us get better.

Just be very proactive with your medication. Since you only currently have an antidepressant, this might be helpful to keep you out of a depression that could get worse. But be conscious of your moods as feelings.

Good luck! I hope this is helpful...

 

[cherryblossom]

Welcome back Hemels!

I've taken citalopram in the past. I took it for quite some time, because, unlike other antidepressent medications I tried, it didn't have any really bad side effects. Unfortunately, it didn't have any positive effects either - but everyone is different. It does take a good 6-8 weeks to see any effects, so make sure, now that you have started, that you give them a proper chance.

Give your partner a chance too. I know it's hard, after you've been hurt. But for a relationship to really have a chance, there has to be trust.

regards, CB

 

[Hemels]

Thank you for your replies guys, very much appreciated.

I understand Citalopram is an anti-depressant, doctor said he was going to put me on it because I was going into a vicious cycle. I'd get triggered by something or someone, then I'd have my anxiety attacks, which in turn would make me depressed and then would result in me being more triggery.. As you can see not the best cycle to get stuck in. GP decided that if he gave me an anti-depressant, maybe it would slow the cycle down. The first one he placed me on was 'Fluoxitine', but I had a really bad turn to it because it made me more anxious, so I got taken off rather quickly, until recently he placed me on Citalopram. Which seems to have slowed down my cycling of my moods and triggers. Granted it hasn't completely stopped them but now they are more cope able now.

Me and my partner have been getting on rather well this last week, he came along to my pdoc appointment with me and sat and listened while I poured my heart out. After which he explained he didn't understand just how hurt, upset and afraid I was feeling and he is going to try a little more to understand.

I know deep inside he would never hurt me, he is after all the guy that saved my life (as I like to look at it). If it wasn't for him I would most likely still be in the abusive relationship with my ex, with no where to go and no one looking out for me. But he was always there when I needed him, he gave the ways and means and place for me and my kids to be able to run away so he's got to be a good 'en. I took your advice cherryblossom and when I feel frightened of him as if he is going to hurt me I remind myself (or try to) that he was there for me all through the abuse, he was always the one I could talk to and he would just sit there and listen. I remind myself, why would he do all these things if he didn't love me or he just wanted to hurt me?!? Which makes me feel so much better.

Thanks for your kind thoughts guys,

Hemmy xXx