I Feel So Helpless

[Mariah]

My boyfriend tries but in reality all he does is either ignore me, repeatedly ask me what is wrong, or seriously, "haha omg what is your problem?!" Asking me what's wrong is one thing, but he can be so rude sometimes and I don't think he has any idea. Even though I tell him. OR he will just try to entertain me. He will tickle me or make a dumb joke. Just in general try to make me laugh. I appreciate the effort I really do but damn sometimes I just need to be upset. I'm a really bad girlfriend. I'm so bad at telling him what is wrong that it's gotten to the point where I just tell him "nothing" literally everytime he asks. Like I said, he tries. But he also doesn't make me feel safe enough to say what's on my mind. I'm sitting in my car right now, he's upstairs in bed. When I was up there I was really upset. Of course. I'm so exhausted from it too. Anyway...he knew I was upset..I kind of curled up on the bed and he for some reason started rubbing my butt. I asked him to please stop, that if he wanted to come cuddle me I would like that but I wasn't in the mood to be felt up. He stopped. But didn't come up to cuddle me. Just scooted away and sighed. He knows exactly what is happening now too. I took him to therapy and had a professional explain it to him. Obviously things change daily and my awful communication plays a massive role in our problems but I can't talk to him when I feel like he can't even hug me. That's what I usually need. Not smothering, just some love, you know? I ask a lot of him, I warned him from the very beginning it was going to be really hard to be with me. But he can't freaking handle it and he proves that over and over. He tries though, he really is a good guy, but we really frustrate each other. I'm scared for our future. What can I do to communicate my needs better? I always feel like I'm being so irrational and dumb. I hate talking about how I feel. Also, I have some weird crazy jealousy issues. I know it's normal for men to want sexual variety and for them to desire other women and for them to have difficulties remaining monogamous but I hate that my man looks at other women. It gives me incredible amounts of anxiety, to the point I don't even like going anywhere with him and he doesn't like going anywhere with me. It's really sad. I need to overcome the jealousy. He's with me because he loves me right? I just have massive betrayal issues. It's terrifying.

 

[lisa1979]

As a supporter myself I can only tell you how it is for me...we dont understand...I know its hard but communication is what will see you through. Its hard for him to understand and its hard for you to explain but you need both if this is going to work. Even tho you are both going to feel alone at times, you need to be a unit...he will give you what you need when he has some understanding as to why. Its taken 6 years and me and my bf still dont have it perfect...at times he still feels like I dont get it and I still feel rejected...but we get through each day bit by bit, learning from each other. Just try and communicate and be respectful of each other xxx

 

[anonymous]

Your boyfriend seems a bit emotionally immature....I'm not sure how old you are or how old he is, but maybe its just a function of his age?

Is your boyfriend obvious about the looking at other women thing? The truth is that EVERYONE looks....its perfectly natural. The key is to not make it obvious that you're looking at others when you're with your partner. I get the feeling that your boyfriend hasn't mastered this skill yet (because if he had, you wouldn't even be aware that he's looking...)

 

[Mariah]

He's 26 and I'm 21. You would think we would be past the huffing and puffing thing. And yes he is so obvious. Either he is obvious when gawking at them. Or he looks at me all wide eyed while a pretty girl walks by. Which only makes my insecurities super obvious. I've seen this myself as a single woman, walking by other couples. A woman darts her attention to her man and he looks at her like "I ain't paying no mind!!" And all I could ever do is laugh at them and wonder what would make her so insecure. Now I'm that girl and I despise it. I know it's natural, I know it's completely unavoidable. But I still can't come to accept it and be okay with it. As for our communication, I know what I should do. I've heard that telling him what's going on without giving him too many details is a good idea. Like saying, "I'm having a jealous moment" but even that I can't bring myself to say because I feel so stupid for thinking that way, it's only human for him to want other girls. He gets so mad at me when I don't tell him what's wrong, he gets really defensive when I do, and if I actually freak out and have an angry episode where I'm raising my voice he will be like "okay, I'm just trying to remember what Kev (T) said to do in this situation" etc...I think we all know that having our disorder thrown in our face is not ideal during an episode. I know this is not his intention but wow it makes me so much more frustrated. He says he tries his best but the only answer I've been able to give him is that I need light comfort when I'm in my zone. Not smothering, not laughing, just to be reminded that I'm loved and that he is ready to talk when I am. I probably would be able to talk to him much easier if he stayed calm and made me feel like it was safe for me to express how I'm feeling. But he couldn't stray further from that. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of it all. I wasn't planning to date anyone. I wanted to focus on myself for awhile and get myself through this healing process. I was feeling better. Then I met him, and I couldn't stop myself from falling for him. Now....I feel like my life has become about him and our relationship and hiding this disease. For the last few weeks in therapy all we have done is talk about my boyfriend and how it's going. That's what I didn't want. To be distracted from my healing process. And now I am. Completely distracted and falling back down the dark hole of this disease with the added bonus of massive jealousy, varying insecurities, and a lot more alcohol. I almost want to break up with him. But this is the first person actually willing to try and help me through this. To be with me through it and who wants to love me regardless of it. I would feel foolish leaving him. Everyone else in my life ran away from me. My best friend since childhood, even my own mother has run away from me and this disease. This man came tumbling in like a gymnast all enthusiastic about helping me. Obviously he had no idea what he was signing up for (tried to warn him) but still, I would just feel an idiot giving up on someone who is willing to put up with so much.

 

[lisa1979]

It might be a natural instinct to notice the opposite sex but I have never noticed my bf looking at others and I would never look at another man. Its called respect. My bf was Iinincredibly jealous when we got together....now I understand why...and it took near on two years for him to trust me...I did everything, everything to try and prove to him I was faithful...I would never advise anyone to take the steps I did because it wasnt healthy and I lost a lot through it but he now trusts me completely. Maybe consider showing him this thread? Get him to read it in your words and seeing others responses...that you are being taken seriously? He might see that this isnt just a 'phase' or a 'moment' that you are having but something that you really need him to take seriously....but I understand thats a big thing and I dont know how you'd feel about it or how he would react...just a thought xx

 

[Mariah]

My boyfriend is really jealous too. But more in the sense that he's worried I'm actually going to go out and mess around on him. Even though I'm with him constantly. I'm kind of the opposite. I trust him not to act on his desires. But it's his desires that disgust me. He humps in his sleep. Obviously he can't control that so I really try not to get upset about it but I just wonder who he's dreaming about. It puts me in the worst mood just to go to the store with him to get stuff for dinner, public places make me anxious enough, but going with him is like entering a vortex of negative and frightening emotions. My boyfriend has his concealed handgun permit. He doesn't always carry but has gotten in the habit of always being on guard. He "people watches" and I believe him when he says he people watches and like to stay alert. I'm the same way. BUT people watching does not involve biting your lip at a skinny b***h in a pencil skirt. Does he really think she is going to pull a gun from her ass and start shooting people? I see his people watching. And then I see his gawking. People watching, whatever. Gawking, nauseating. I feel like there should be that respect on his end, he kind of tries sometimes but like I said, in those instances he is only making my insecurities obvious. I also feel like I should just lighten up and stop being so jealous. Wish I knew how. >.> It is so stressful.

 

[anonymous]

I guess I don't understand why you're beating yourself up because you can't simply accept his bad behavior. Its a bit puzzling to say the least. You continue to give excuses such as it being natural for guys to look at other women and want other women. Do you actually hear what you are saying?

 

[Mariah]

I guess not....my entire life I was told "I will appreciate a beautiful woman with my husband" or "girl, it's only natural for them to crave other women don't get weird about it" and everything else along those lines. I feel like desires are inescapable. I feel like my hating it is inescapable. I feel like I won't ever have a normal relationship.

 

[Mariah]

When I was single I loved pretty girls. I never saw them as a threat. I saw them as pretty and I appreciated their good qualities. But when I started dating this guy (first relationship since trauma) I turned into some green eyed troll from hell and I get angry that pretty girls exist at all just because I know my boyfriend sees them. It is so irrational and I hate it. He might be disrespectful but I really feel so crazy.

 

[Care Bear]

I am sorry to hear you are struggling with jealousy, @Mariah. That's a tough one and I struggle with it myself. I think surrender and acceptance help that feeling. You only want to be with someone that truly wants to be with you, right? If he leaves, he didn't love you. Your job isn't to watch every move he makes, every person he talks to, etc. You will never rest.

I wish you the best.