I Feel So Lost And Hopeless

[SeekingAfrica]

I've hit some sort of a wall, and I don't know what to do. I feel so low. Not enough to want to hurt myself, and I'm not suicidal either. I'm just so lost and I feel like I'll never feel better again. And I know it much not be true, but it's where I'm at.
At the end of last week in therapy I got to the worst topic, kind of the root of where my issues started (child sexual abuse). Somehow I was okay to talk about it a little, I opened the subject. But then I mentioned that there is something I wrote about it, that I can't say, but can may be bring the following week(in 2 days). So when I went home I read it so that I can remember what I wrote exactly and see if I should just extract parts for easier reading...and I ended up dissociating and throwing up all night...
Since then it's like I'm a computer with on an off switch. I have a nice moment- then break down- have a nice moment- then I wake up depressed. Kind of like, everything in the present is okay- not the greatest, but okay- and then whenever I have a moment for myself it hits me.

Last night I had dreams about it, nightmares. I barely remember them, but I woke up in this depressive fog. I barely got to my office(thank god I'm self employed). I tried to work, but few hours into my day, I was still feeling weak and unmotivated and like I can do something but nothing can make me happy. I bought junk food and after eating it I felt disgusted with myself, I ate something I don't even like at all. I needed for something to make me feel better but it didn't.

I ended up crying and it took me 3 hours to calm down. Then I slept and I felt calmer...but I'm back in this state. Like...I have no energy, and no feelings except this hopeless feeling nothing will ever change and I'll never feel okay. There have been times like this when a magazine or Tv show or something small helps me, but I've done everything this week, and I still can't escape this feeling. I have eaten junk food other days and felt good for it, I exercised until I felt better, I distracted myself, watched tv shows, read books, watched movies and journaled like a crazy person. I took baths. I worked. And now I feel so low. Like I just need one item, one thing, to hold me over until I feel relief from this, but I can't think of anything.

There have been times when I've dreamed to be able to spend even a dollar on something to make me feel better. Unlike usually I actually can this week, but I feel so hopeless. Like if I buy something nice to eat, or buy a new journal I love, or go to a movie, I'll still feel like this all the way through it, like I'll taint all the things I like with my hopelessness. Like I can even buy something I dreamed of buying for months, and I'll be happy for 30min and then it will be over and I'll regret it. It's like I'm in some dream state and I can't wake up. At least I'm not having flashbacks, but I'm not feeling much of anything except awful right now, and it feels like nothing can fix this.

I have therapy in like...2 days, and it may as well be a decade. I'm working, but I'm doing it in chunks and clusters of few minutes because it's all I can handle. Even that feels pointless. I hate today. I can't even have something to relax or sleep or help me get through this time. Everything I usually do just makes me feel worse.

 

[LiketheMouse]

I don't have answers... just know you are not alone.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I know this is sad and/or unreasonable, but I'm starting to feel beyond reason. Like, anything that I can buy/do that will make me happy right now, even for a bit, if better than wondering how to get out of bed. I mean, I'm managing basic stuff, even managing work, if only at really horribly slow pace...but I can't be this miserable all the time. And nothing I buy or do will solve it, until I get through it, but I'm starting to feel like whatever I do, stupid, wasteful or whatever...if I spend time or money on something temporary(as long as it's hopefully not junk food) then it might be worth it, just so I can get out of that depressive state, to pull myself up at least a little. It's starting to seem like the main priority of these weeks won't be to get caught up to other people or solving big practical issues I have, but...making myself feel better. Because if I don't, I'm not sure anything else will get done either. I can't feel this horrible so much, it only leads to chaos and doing nothing and that will make me feel even worse in the long run....I don't even know if my logic is correct anymore, but I'm not sure it matters right now. May be it matters more that I find a way to jump-start myself towards change by doing good things that make me happy, even if that means spending more money or taking time off more often.