I feel tired and hopeless...

[SeekingAfrica]

Ever feel like everything in the world is intentionally or unintentionally pushing against you? I'm starting to feel so burned out this year. I've suffered PTSD, anxiety, depression. There have been good and bad times through the last 15 years. It got really bad 3 years ago, but eventually I got myself in therapy and worked really hard to get myself in a better place.

And just as I started feeling better this year came. Visa issues. Administrative issues. Financial issues. Health issues. My relationship imploding. Being on the verge or not being able to pay for my living needs every 5 days. Let alone healthcare, healthy eating or socializing.

But I was going to deal with this better now. All this started in January. Just as one crisis ends, another issue begins. I was okay with the first crisis, and the next, and the next...and the next and so on. Each time I try to keep calm, to take care of myself, to take action to resolve the issue, to be patient. And it worked at first. But it would be crisis after crisis, from January until now. Not that it was that much easier before, but it was managable. Since then, it's getting worse and worse. I manage things and more issues sprout like mushrooms, usually things that I have no idea how to handle and it takes a lot of effort to actually find away. And I keep trying to be positive, but it's getting worse and worse and it's really starting to affect me mentally. I'm starting to obsess over problems and be too scared to take time off of solving an issue that I cut off everything else from my day, which of course doesn't help. I'm so tired. I need this to change. And I keep trying and trying, it's not like I sit around waititng for things to resolve themselves. But everyone has limits and after all I've been through my limits seems to have become a lot smaller. I just don't know how to keep telling myself this will get better...and actually believing it....
I know, I have to, I will, I'm just SO tired some days.

 

[New]

Ever feel like everything in the world is intentionally or unintentionally pushing against you? I...

Totally understand. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.

 

[anthony]

What are these problems that continue to sprout?

I'm skeptical that you're solving problems vs putting out fires. Big difference between the two. Fires can restart or spread and cause new fires. Solving problems means the problem is no longer a problem, nor has the capacity to cause a new problem, because it is solved and completed.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

What are these problems that continue to sprout?

I'm skeptical that you're solving problems vs putting out...

Depends. It's one of those times in life when things are just not going right.

The first type of problems I got were the administrative ones. That involved a lot of visa documents and 2 trips home, but were, at the time resolved. However now that I have broken up with my partner there will be new issues with those documents, so it's either multiple problems, or one fire...

The health issues I think are still all connected to my stress levels and my ability to take care of myself and my mental health- leading to physical issues. So that one pretty much will not get resolved until I'm less stressed. So yeah, that one is a fire.

And then my relationship broke,. which is pretty much a hurricane since we were legally cohabitating for 5 years, pretty much like married- and my visa, insurance and apartment were all connected to him...So that all had to change.

Work problems, I admit, are a fire right now, it seems. But I don't know how mentally strong I am right now to handle it. I'm finally getting paid, something, still way off of comfortable, but at least it's a step up. But I feel really depressed. May be it's a build up feeling from these last months, but it's here nontheless. I do my work, I even started exercising, and organising home more...and yet I still feel so tired in between the work, so worn out of trying, and find myself crying for no reason a lot. I know this is the moment to start another job, but I feel like I'm barely keeping it together with this one. I really need to talk to my therapist because she always helps me get perspective somehow, but I just started getting paid again, I'm way off from being able to start therapy again.

I'm going to go for a walk at some point today, I'm hoping adding some sun will be something, but yeah...this is actually feeling like now I'm genuinely depressed, like things are finally starting to get better, but I still have no energy and cry way too much without a reason. What do people do when they can't afford therapy and have no one to talk to about this? I really can't remember even though I've been depressed before. I kind of feel I waited it out then. But that took way too long.

 

[anthony]

What do people do when they can't afford therapy and have no one to talk to about this?

They do what you're doing now... talking here, online, social network, friends, supporters, so forth. You reach out for what you need, as needed, and see what comes back your way, basically.

Ok, so lets look at the issues:

1. Broke up with partner.
2. Visa, insurance and living were all connected to ex-partner.
3. Started a new job -- which has solved money stressors to some degree.
4. Health issues.

Did I miss any? What health issues are being created from your stress?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

They do what you're doing now... talking here, online, social network, friends, supporters, so forth. You r...

1. Yes, except that matters more than just a break up because- my visa was based on being with him, the apartment we lived in is his family apartment, my insurance was from his company as spouse, and I live in his country, which is still harder than home...but I've lived here for 4 years so now my life is basically here, I want to find a way to stay
2. Yes. Also for the new visa to get it since I'm self-employed and this is the first time I'll get business visa they will want me to have saved the amount for me to prove that I am able to support myself (2000 euro roughly, though more is better) when I apply for it(end of October)
3. Yes. Though I'm 2 months behind(had minimal work for 2 months) so I am still evening things out- paying bills and debts and living expenses.
4. Health issues- some are stress related...others are correlated- I dance, which is usually great, but when I stress I stop exercising between classes, start eating badly, stop paying as much attention in class...and I get more injuries. Currently there are 3 to deal with- not huge ones, not the I can't walk kind of ones, but definitely need to deal with them I'm genetically prone to this particular injuries(joints, knees, tendons), but it's my lack of good self-care right now that is bringing more than one of them in few months time. But dance is the only thing keeping me sane right now, so I can't give that up. I started exercising this week though finally so I took action. And from next week I'll finally have enough for bus tickets to go deal with the dance-related injuries(my insurance has good physio coverage). My dental issues are not covered however and I still can't pay to fix those, which isn't great at all. Also from the stress and lack of good food I got myself sick mid-summer...regular cold(or flu?) but it was pretty bad for few days.

Other issues...no, except that these issues usually lead me to the same mental chain reaction which makes things worse:
1. less self-care (and feeling bad for that and from that) and less energy
2. less social interaction and feeling isolated from that
3. all these things hyper-triggering every mental issue I have- anxiety, depression, having insomnia or bad dreams again, flashbacks, memories coming up....

Basically I've tangled myself in all this.
I did start this week some steps- got some pay(thank god for clients that pay weekly), started exercising, saw one friend and had some walks. Now I'm starting to think I can at least manage on basic survival level.
However it doesn't change how many things I just left to wait in the corner while surviving. Now I have all the health checkups, visa documents, saving money and paying debt to deal with. Glad to have a new job/client and I'm sure that will pay for life, but the debt/savings/health care part is separate, so I will need more work and quickly. It seemed like I had a lot of time, but with all this 2 months passed like nothing, so 4 months isn't that long...

 

[SeekingAfrica]

They do what you're doing now... talking here, online, social network, friends, supporters, so forth. You r...

Thank you so much for commenting all the time, it does help somewhat.

I guess the biggest issue is that in the past whenever my issues (PTSD ones) flare up so badly, I've usually barely managed to work.

Thankfully I have a hang on the regular work part, but it's much harder looking for clients now as my self-confidence has completely plummeted lately. Not sure what to do with that, other than keep trying and hope that it's enough.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

They do what you're doing now... talking here, online, social network, friends, supporters, so forth. You r...

Just realized that I've been panicking and taking my panic meds like one every other day BECAUSE of my money issues...
May be I have to start taking it and then use the calmness period to actually look for more work. Once I have the work I'm good at doing it, it's mostly the search I have issue with.
Would it be totally crazy to do that preventively to calm myself so I can work through my situation? I mean it seems like it would do more good that using it only when I break down(because of not having enough work).

Just to note though, it's a really lowest dose, just tends to work for me. And I've never had any addiction issues with it.

 

[anthony]

but it's my lack of good self-care right now that is bringing more than one of them

This sounds like something that can be achieved then that will make you continually feel much better, progressing. You have enough soon for the bus ticket to seek help, which is awesome. Well done.

Lets be honest, most dental issues are not life threatening in normal society. If you were in the jungle, they can be... but not society at large, even remote and isolated places.

Look for the little things that you can fix easily, quickly. Make a list, a detailed one. Start working on them, from easiest to hardest as the last one. Add to it each day, it doesn't matter if it grows, just keep marking them off and keep the list updated with all that you have achieved, and those you have to achieve.

PTSD is a cycle of self-sustaining abuse. You get into a place, like you are, where symptoms become cyclic and worsen, as they make you feel worse, and with each cycle they do more damage to your self-being, thus each cycle they just keep getting worse and worse. You break the cycle by starting small and begin acknowledging your accomplishments, regardless how small. As you keep chipping away you have a list on your fridge, or somewhere prominent, that you can see results being obtained. Eventually you have a list of all these achievements, you started with small ones, suddenly you're into more difficult ones being marked off, with only some really difficult ones left. It gives you a hard copy so you don't forget what you have done. This helps keep the cycle broken, so instead of spiralling, you keep growing.

When PTSD attempts to cycle again, and it will, you go back to your basics, your achievements, use them to help motivate you.