I felt afraid but came across angry when I didn’t feel angry...

[Sideways]

Someone triggering the crap out of me recently told me I spoke in an accusatory way...

Maybe you did sound accusatory in the tone you had.

You’ve had other people say that to you before? So, maybe it’s true. Maybe sometimes when you’re distressed, your tone starts to come off a bit...accusatory.

This is about communication, yeah? Which is a super complex thing. It’s not just the literal words you’re saying as the speaker, and whether the listener understands the literal meaning of those words. There’s so many other factors that are part of successful communication.

I flip out and react disproportionately whenever someone says something that my brain could possibly interpret as criticism. I don’t handle those situations well. So, I get that part of it, feeling like they’ve just attacked you.

But to me, as an uninvolved bystander? Some people have shared with you that (when you’re distressed), you come across as ‘accusatory’. That’s helpful information, because if you weren’t intending to accuse them of anything, and nothing in the literal meaning of your words was accusatory? Then there’s something else (in this instance, your tone) which is interfering with the effectiveness of your communication with people.

Your words and your tone? Aren’t always saying the same thing. That’s something you could work on to be a more effective communicator. It is something that will potentially help you to be a more assertive communicator, getting your tone to match (a) your words and (b) exactly what message you intend them to receive.

They feel accused, when that isn’t what you’re intending. Helpful to know. Something to be aware of. We all do stuff like that, and it can be hard to realise unless someone tells us - “Did you mean to sound so angry/hostile/accusatory/etc...?”

You don’t have to take any responsibility for how that person is feeling. None. But when people share stuff like this with us? It is an opportunity to improve our communication skills. Take it or leave it. Consider it to be important self development or decide that you don’t give a crap - doesn’t matter.

 

[Deanna]

I use ( and I guess i still can) have a direct voice that won't put up with bullshit. I do better now that I'm medicated. Much happier/ sometimes acceptance is real hard but that's when I get quiet. I haven't used my bullshit voice in awhile. I didn't develop the buiishit voice until I was in my 30s. I know anger comes from fear.. But its been awhile since I've been real mad like that. Its hard for me to react to someone who is going ape-shit over nothing., because my mom was a schitophrenic and everything was distorted. So, the first thing I do is fix distorted thinking. Dah

 

[Keming]

I would never apologize for expressing anger instead of fear. Fear gives 'em power. Never. Ever. Give someone power over you. Negotiate as equals, or You First.

 

[Justmehere]

In this situation, I am fine with the person knowing I'm angry. They did something wrong and crossed a well-established boundary. Usually, when affect doesn't match my feelings it's that I giggle when stressed/scared or can seem confident when I am internally HATING myself.

 

[7lonewolf7]

When discongruent affect issues come up, I usually have the problem of seeming giggly or confident/clam when scared. I'm most often someone who struggles to have any poker face, even for happy things (surprise parties.) I dunno why. It just is.

For this... one solution is to get rid of the fear. No fear, no tone. But since that won't happen right now because PTSD and life is still life... and because sometimes I would like to be able to have someone present in a moment of fear or pain, I think I really need to sort this out.

I don't really do vulnerable well. I don't say "I'm scared" and then stick around very well. I can do it, but I rarely feel safe enough to let anyone know I'm scared. It also seems pointless to do that.

My words were fine enough. Perfect? No. They were fine enough though.

I was scared at the time, I am annoyed NOW.

If I would have sounded afraid... I feel disgusted by that idea. I thought I sounded afraid, but I feel disgusted by that idea of being weak and vulnerable like that in this situation with this person.

If I was to have any tone, frankly, a fearful tone would have been better.

I'm the complete opposite. When I feel scared, which happens off and on

Someone triggering the crap out of me recently told me I spoke in an accusatory way...
I asked, “What accusations did I make?”
They could not state any.
They then said it was my tone of voice.

What I felt in this interaction was defensive. Incredibly vulnerable and defensive. Like I needed to appease or defend or run.

I’ve since cut contact and communication with this person because I am unable to meet their clear requirement I speak to them in a manner that is of an acceptable tone to them and I have no headspace to try to deal with it with them anymore. Frankly, the situation was really weird and not worth the headache.

But.

Something like this has happened twice before, years apart, but in important interactions. I genuinely felt afraid and the other person said I came across as angry at them, and that baffled me.

Have you ever felt a need to defend or protect yourself and came across as angry and not felt anger but fear?

I'm the complete opposite with how I react to fear. I internalize it cause that's how I had to grow up. Cause of my ptsd and how closely it relates to everyday life, I struggle with panic attacks on a daily basis. But because I grew up needing to learn how to hide my emotions, absolutely no one knows that I get multiple panic attacks and anxiety attacks per day. I have yet to find a therapist I feel comfortable enough talking to about this (I had to stop searching cause of insurance). We all react differently to stimuli, especially if it relates to our ptsd. Sometimes we internalize the negative thoughts and feelings, and other times we lash out. You can't feel too guilty to how your body and brain choose to react when they assume they're in danger. I sometimes wish I could showcase my emotions outwardly cause it's a lonely existence when it's just you and your memories plaguing you. But I'm learning what works best for me and I think you are too. Understanding your emotions and linking them to what thoughts are harming you is the best you can do to strengthen the relationships around you.