I felt afraid but came across angry when I didn’t feel angry...

[Justmehere]

Someone triggering the crap out of me recently told me I spoke in an accusatory way...
I asked, “What accusations did I make?”
They could not state any.
They then said it was my tone of voice.

What I felt in this interaction was defensive. Incredibly vulnerable and defensive. Like I needed to appease or defend or run.

I’ve since cut contact and communication with this person because I am unable to meet their clear requirement I speak to them in a manner that is of an acceptable tone to them and I have no headspace to try to deal with it with them anymore. Frankly, the situation was really weird and not worth the headache.

But.

Something like this has happened twice before, years apart, but in important interactions. I genuinely felt afraid and the other person said I came across as angry at them, and that baffled me.

Have you ever felt a need to defend or protect yourself and came across as angry and not felt anger but fear?

 

[Freida]

Yep. I get angry when I'm scared.

I'm guessing it's a ptsd thing?

 

[jaccat]

Yes, but in my case I think it’s a learned reaction from my family.

 

[ladee]

If I feel threatened I get aggressive and it comes out in the tone of my voice.
I don't freeze or flee, I want to fight. It's usually fear.

 

[Friday]

It took me until my 30s to realize most people are unaware of how aggressive they get with others when they FEEL defensive.

Spoiler: Tangent

IDFK maybe it’s the normal side of learned helplessness?

On the whole spectrum of behaviors thing where all symptoms are just normal human things taken to the extreme / nothing new under the sun? The whole belief that one is responding in a fair/commensurate fashion... lashing out in fear not being perceived by oneself as an act of aggression, because it’s right in line with situation. Except it’s not. It’s a cornered animal snarling and growling and biting. Not because they’re angry, but because they’re vulnerable and scared.

^^^ Kick that response UP several notches, and it’s not just failure to perceive one’s self, but the situation as well; so even if there are “clearly” (to others) myriad ways to escape the situation, the person themselves can no longer see them / because the sense of vulnerability has taken over. Painting them in a corner rather than backing them in.

Of course, I could be full of shit about it being the same reaction magnified. I spend too much time trying to untangle why I was more sane actually locked in a box, than walking around free as a bird. Nor iron bars a cage, ya know?

Back on target... totally normal to not feel angry, but to be acting aggressively/hostile ... when feeling defensive. Ever have any doubt? ;)

- Self Defense = Legal justification for killing someone. Very little is more aggressive than killing someone.

- Defending a castle = isn’t done by happily throwing open the doors and issuing charming smiles, goodwill, & cheer at invaders. It’s done behind walls, issuing threats, and by throwing fire & projectiles at invaders. I’m sure you can continue the metaphor for when people get defensive of themselves instead of a castle. Step 1? Throw up walls.

I am unable to meet their clear requirement I speak to them in a manner that is of an acceptable tone to them and I have no headspace to try to deal with it

THIS... I think? Maaaaaaay be a pure PTSD thing???. I’m not able to mind my affect in a different direction... but it seems like there’s this volatility of affect in certain kinds of trauma & flatness of affect in others. Regardless of what one is actually feeling. There’s some kind of disconnect. And it’s a Mountain to Mohammed kind of task to try and shift it.

 

[scout86]

I think "anger" is one of the places people go after "fear". Heck, it's one of the places dogs go after fear too. Also horses.... This could be fairly universal, at least if you have enough of a brain.

As far as the other person's interpretation of your behavior.... First of all, we all have a right to what feeling we have, don't we? I don't mean you have the right to slug someone, but don't you have a right to express your feelings? The other party had a right to object, but not to shut you down. It's also possible their assessment was inaccurate, maybe even biased. Maybe they were even gaslighting you, who knows?

If YOU decide you're expressing your feelings in a way that's not appropriate, you can always say something like "I'm sorry if I sounds angry, this conversation has me feeling a bit threatened."

 

[grit]

First I want to say, I am so truly happy for you to recognize this even if you do not consciously try to learn how to change, just recognizing this will change a lot of your interactions with people. We are all in therapy to find release and relief and some of those releases are sometimes the basic senses that were the first to get overwhelmed during a traumatic event or environment.

The first physiological change I had in therapy was my voice. When I went to therapy I sounded and I may mentioned this before a bit like "Don't you f*ck with me?". It was an aura, a fog I walked in, and it was sort of like animal panicky! Today I see this sound in my siblings....and it is heartbreaking.
I recently reconcile with my mother. I called her and she did not recognize my voice because she was not expecting my call. She told me I sounded "innocent" and I was extremely pleased with that because I realized I have arrived. but again, I noticed her voice was similar to my old voice and I felt so heavy with sadness that she too suffered just like I did and still is.

 

[hithere]

"Defense" is an attack

 

[Muttly]

As others have said, to be read as angry when you are frightened is not unusual. I don't think that's a PTSD thing either. I work at a vet clinic. I have actually had client apologize for how they came across (this is rare), because they were so worried about their pets. And since I've mentioned animals, it's quite common for frightened animals to come across as aggressive and it is because they are afraid. What they are doing is protecting themselves but on the receiving end it can seem like they are very angry. We humans are still animals and some of those basic responses are still wired in.

I am sorry that you had that experience. I know it's hard to be misunderstood and feel judged.

 

[LuckiLee]

That's J's go to. Anger.

"Why are you angry, Love"? "I'm not angry"!! Hmm? I'd say most of his emotions come across as anger but at different levels.

I thought it was a military thing.

 

[Justmehere]

When discongruent affect issues come up, I usually have the problem of seeming giggly or confident/clam when scared. I'm most often someone who struggles to have any poker face, even for happy things (surprise parties.) I dunno why. It just is.

For this... one solution is to get rid of the fear. No fear, no tone. But since that won't happen right now because PTSD and life is still life... and because sometimes I would like to be able to have someone present in a moment of fear or pain, I think I really need to sort this out.

I don't really do vulnerable well. I don't say "I'm scared" and then stick around very well. I can do it, but I rarely feel safe enough to let anyone know I'm scared. It also seems pointless to do that.

My words were fine enough. Perfect? No. They were fine enough though.

I was scared at the time, I am annoyed NOW.

If I would have sounded afraid... I feel disgusted by that idea. I thought I sounded afraid, but I feel disgusted by that idea of being weak and vulnerable like that in this situation with this person.

If I was to have any tone, frankly, a fearful tone would have been better.

 

[grit]

It is great you are becoming concious of how you may affect others or perceived. The point now may be what do u want to do with this self knowledge? We all have moments we want to connect with others, avoid others, or be genuinely defensive toward others. The question is can you distinguish all three? And how can you react differently for each scenerio? This is a learned behavior not something we are born with. I get you have ptsd... We all do but we are not in isolation and we all want to move toward others, move away, or defend when appropriate and as part of community we all learn how to get along.

You may not have to be vulnerable outwardly or admit in words, but perhaps rather than standing I feel this way and so what stance, if you see aggression toward you, you could stop internally and question oops did I vioce my feeling or need or request too hard or appeared angry or is this person coming with their own aggression. Takes minuscule moments but may be longer for some people. But again this gap of taking stock of our internal state to match external one is one reason we spend years in therapy. You are at wormhole now. ?

It is up to you what you do with this new way of seeing yourself but it is a great insight to your psyche.
One more thing nothing wrong apologizeing after if you realized hmmm you were the carrier of the aggression, anger or defense... Absolutely nothing wrong saying I was triggered then I am sorry and mean it.