I Felt Like Stepping In Front Of A Bus Today

[starry]

I know how terrible that sounds, I am not like that all the time. I just seem to have depression underlying most days and then it builds up to days like this where it feels so bad I want to end it all or I have thoughts pop into my head 'I could just do this...'. The truth is I don't think I would really want to do that it just hurts sometimes so much and I get sick of feeling so alone, sad, different etc. I am in therapy and the other day had to do an exposure tasks where I re called a traumatic memory. All it did was made me so upset and brought back so many upsetting memories. Not only that but I felt so drained and tired afterwards. I work part time and had to go back to work and I found it hard to be at work. No one knows my issues and I would not want to tell them as a lot of them have lived a peachy life, they also make some ignorant comments about mental illness which tells me that it would not be worthwhile to open up to them about any of my struggles. So I carry inside all day. I find it so hard to concentrate at work with ptsd and I have trouble remembering things. I sometimes feel so sad it aches and that's when the suicidal ideas pop into my head.

Do other people find being around non ptsd people or 'happy-I love life' types of people make them feel more alone?

 

[changed]

Starry, I can totally relate to what you have said! Sometimes im ok but things pop into my head when im walking beside a road or looking out of a high window. I was recently diagnosed with depression ontop of my PTSD which is depressing itself!

I dont have the answers to how it gets better because thats a challenge I too still have to face. There is only one person in my life who knows about my PTSD and some of the things im feeling, but its hard. People generally just dont take the time to understand something like what we have, as soon as a psychologist is mentioned it means the person is crazy! I chose not to tell people because I have seen the way they label people at work, on the street etc and it does make me feel alone-so very alone because sometimes I would like to talk about it but knowing where to start, how to explain it, to get told its silly just hurts so I keep it to myself.

I too find it hard at work because I zone out sometimes and people think im sad and the next minute im hyper and they compare me to a child, sometimes I wish I could just show them a way to understand why my moods are fluctuating, why I get mad and sad and weird.

I know my post is not the most helpful but be assured that to me and im sure a lot of people on here, what you have said is very familiar and normal if you have PTSD.

Take Care
Changed x

 

[TLight]

Oh Yeah. Those people who for some reason haven't been touched by evil or hardships. I guess they seem to us like aliens.

I read your title and boy, I've had so many days when I've felt that.

With time, therapy, and distance........I think it gets easy. The pain isn't quite so painful. It takes years of work and rehashing the traumas, experiencing the pain, but I've heard it does get better. There's light out there somewhere. Just as long as we hang on long enough.

 

[Nighthawk]

I feel more alone around people than I do when I am alone. Are there really people that are that happy out there?


Nighthawlk

 

[seedling]

Yes, that happy person was me 9 months ago. Now it's all different.

Yesterday on the way home from therapy my arms got tight while driving and I thought how easy it would be to just steer off the road. The worst session ever, had the stuffing knocked out of me, all my buttons pushed. I'm either mad as hell or drowning in the pit of despair. Panic.

I'm trapped in a box inside myself with no way out and no way to reach out to anyone else.

Happiness = Innocence. Until you lose the innocence and have to fight for every bit of happiness after that.

 

[starry]

Starry, I can totally relate to what you have said! Sometimes im ok but things pop into my head when im walking beside a road or looking out of a high window. I was recently diagnosed with depression ontop of my PTSD which is depressing itself!

I dont have the answers to how it gets better because thats a challenge I too still have to face. There is only one person in my life who knows about my PTSD and some of the things im feeling, but its hard. People generally just dont take the time to understand something like what we have, as soon as a psychologist is mentioned it means the person is crazy! I chose not to tell people because I have seen the way they label people at work, on the street etc and it does make me feel alone-so very alone because sometimes I would like to talk about it but knowing where to start, how to explain it, to get told its silly just hurts so I keep it to myself.

I too find it hard at work because I zone out sometimes and people think im sad and the next minute im hyper and they compare me to a child, sometimes I wish I could just show them a way to understand why my moods are fluctuating, why I get mad and sad and weird.

I know my post is not the most helpful but be assured that to me and im sure a lot of people on here, what you have said is very familiar and normal if you have PTSD.

Take Care
Changed x

Hi Changed,
your post helped immensely actually. What you described sounds so similar to my experience. I have trouble at work, I feel I am underachieving at work as I am over qualified for my job, but its the depression and ptsd that keeps me in this job. I have so much trouble with concentration, energy and motivation I am sure if those things were not such a problem I could aim higher for a better job. The fact I work with a lot of ignorant people who have not had hardships (well mental health hardships) makes it hard too as even if I am really depressed and have suicidal thoughts it is not something you can ever talk about at work. Not that I would say a lot but I feel I have to keep my emotions very controlled. There is one lady at work who had time off due to depression and some of the things my co-workers said about her were so ill informed and so backwards. They called her 'weird' and were so judgemental, it made me realise how I could never say about my mental health issues. Anyway I'm getting off topic but thanks for your post.

 

[starry]

Happiness = Innocence. Until you lose the innocence and have to fight for every bit of happiness after that.

Yes its true these things do scar you and your right it takes away that innocence.

Oh Yeah. Those people who for some reason haven't been touched by evil or hardships. I guess they seem to us like aliens.

I read your title and boy, I've had so many days when I've felt that.

With time, therapy, and distance........I think it gets easy. The pain isn't quite so painful. It takes years of work and rehashing the traumas, experiencing the pain, but I've heard it does get better. There's light out there somewhere. Just as long as we hang on long enough.

They do seem like aliens to us. I hear some of the things that people describe as 'stressful' or 'depressing' and they are so trivial. I guess they are lucky that they have nothing else to worry about but sometimes it irritates me.

I feel more alone around people than I do when I am alone.
Nighthawlk

Ditto.

 

[Healing Survivor]

I have a really hard time at work. Zoning out and looking sad, then people point it out and I recognize it and then I can't function anymore. And then I start in with the thoughts of suicide...The only reason I don't is b/c of my major control issues and I have no idea what'll be waiting after I die!