General I Fight For Us.how Long ? Unknown

[christy_than]

Sometimes love speaks more than what you could hear and handle. But then again, love is the only reason why people do different kind of sacrifices. Like a healing wound, you poke to it time over time until it never healed. That’s what happened to me.

Our relationship survived after his 6 months afghan’s trip. He came back home safely (physically), but there deep beneath his soul, he brought piece of “virus “that called PTSD

PTSD Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, I never thought that I would have to deal with words that I’ve never heard before. I’ve been researching weeks to find out about what I am dealing with?
Short temper, numb, isolation, cold heart etc.

He is still the same guy that I’ve been in love with for years, but PTSD has turned him into a stranger.

I love him with all I am, but I need his affections to help me breathing and keep going. I miss him, his personality, his smile, his jokes, and his touch. The last time we met, I could feel how he was happy to get to see me. I was happy either. I hug him, I asked him to give me a hug, I need his shoulder to rely on to make me keep fighting for us while he can’t, I want to stay strong when he can’t.

He saw me and those eyes told me ‘he doesn't know how to hug me’ he was like a zombie standing there when I hugged him.

PTSD has changed our relationship. God knows how many sleepless nights I’ve spent begging for His mercy, how many tears? How many pains everyday have I to endure when I think about him. I don’t know what can I do, I am an useless person, I don’t know what should I do to help him, I can only rely my hope in God. I write his name in every pray.

Lord I don’t want anything, give him back to me.

My friends, family, therapist and everyone surround me ask me to move on,they don't know that it’s like when they were asking me to stop breathing. I don’t know how long will I wait for him, I’ll wait for him until he comes back to me, or until my feeling fades away. Dealing with a PTSD is like building a sand castle, it crumbles to bit once harmless wave touch it.

I stand back and look at what it can do to rebuild what is left, and try not to look too much at what I had. It will not be the same as it was again. What I know for sure he is worth all sacrifices pain and wait.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Maybe I am completely the wrong perso to be adding my two cents here and maybe you should wait and see comments from other supporters rather than a sufferer of PTSD, so I'm sorry if I upset or offend it's not intentional and certainly not personal.

he brought piece of “virus “that called PTSD

Maybe you should try seeing the PTSD as a part of him (which it is now) rather than a virus. PTSD is essentially a psychological scar and it comes about when we suffer too much, essentially breaking a part of us. When we break, we continue on with what we've got and sometimes that isn't much. It doesn't matter how much we love everyone else or how much we've got left that's good, what we've suffered is so breaking for us personally, we are changed for life.

Sometimes the changes that happen to us, we are aware of and that can be something that upsets us - wanting to be able to love someone deeply and show our love for them but being unable, even though we used to be able hurts us as well. However, then we usually start blaming ourselves and hating who and what we've become. Sometimes (like myself) the trauma happens at such a young age, that you don't know who you are except for that, but I at least, still feel deficient in my ability to function normally. If you think it's hard being on the other side of a relationship with him (which I'm certain it is for you and for that I'm sorry), can you imagine how hard it is to have been for him not only during the trauma itself but now being aware he cannot be the person you need.

At the same time, just as he has to look out for himself and do what he needs to, to recover as best he can and find a new way to live. You need to do what's right for you and if this is too much for you then you shouldn't suffer either.It's a very difficult situation I'm sure, but I want to make sure that you don't separate the PTSD and him and then hate the "PTSD part" and neither should he. It's better for both of you to realise that as it will save both of you a lot of resentment and possibly self-hate on his part. These things may worsen his symptoms and/or trigger him into more severe states of distress and I'm sure this is something neither of you want.

Think of PTSD as a bad scar, blaming the scar for the pain it causes or the unpleasant looks doesn't help anything. It's just residual to the injury that caused it. However it maybe something that disturbs you so much or is so disabling to him that it affects your relationship and that's neither your fault or his, it just is.

I'm sure this hasn't been that helpful but I'm hoping it has at least given you a different view of the matter. I don't know whether what you seek is the magic cure and for everything to go back to how it was (unfortunately this doesn't exist yet - to my knowledge!), or for a solemn understanding that this isn't what you signed up for and you need to feel guilty ending your relationship, or if you just need space to vent. Whatever the case good luck and I'm sorry that both you and your partner are going through all of this.

 

[christy_than]

Thanks for you reply it helps me so much to understand more bout PTSD.

My therapist told me times to move on every time I feel I am overwhelmed, I may love him but I shall love myself more (I had been myself in treatment for suicidal case) I feel the need to stay with him ( this is what I want to) because I don't want to make him take any decision when he cant make any.

He told me 2 times to leave him, but every time I asked him whether that what he really wants .. he never answered me.

He shut out,right after we see each other. ( we live 600kms away) I manage to see him as often as possible like 2-3times a month.

He looked happy when I was with him but then he wont keep in touch with me for days when I left home. his isolation is killing me.( I know I have to get myself use to it) sometimes I think to no see him, so he wont shut out, but I miss him so bad

I am in this group because some story makes me feel home.

I hope to get my self strengthened here, it's been 2 months,I hope it wont be long any more

I try to be busy as much as possible with my life, but do you know ? he is 24/7 on my mind, he is the first one that comes up on my mind when i wake up and the last thing i am thinking about before sleep.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I'm glad I didn't upset you. It certainly sounds like a very difficult situation for you to be in. I think that it is important to value yourself and not lose yourself in being concerned for him. Also long distance relationships are also hard and will make this whole thing even more tricky for you.

Sometimes it's good and necessary to get out of a bad situation, but some are worth fighting through, this is personal and entirely up to you. Though that doesn't make it any easier! What I think you need to decide is if you are comfortable being in this relationship the way it is now for the foreseeable future, if you are then both of you can work on the relationship and if not, then as hard as it may be, this may not be the relationship for you. Unfortunately no one can help you make that decision but ultimately that's the decision you have to make. I really wish it wasn't so. Maybe take some time to think it over and in the mean time keep up your friendship with him and put no pressure on defining what the relationship is or isn't? Please look after yourself though, this is tough, don't beat yourself up over it. :hug: