You all articulate your self knowledge so well. Hopefornow, I used to be very efficient with career and children and community work. Now after reading all of your posts and perspectives I think maybe my trauma work is really hard and sapping me of the energy I used to have for negotiating a business and kids as young adults now. They still need me, just to listen, I let them be who they want to be even if I don't agree. For instance, I was enjoying a warm sunny day at the beach, and my daughter texted me that she got a puppy. She is super capable she's worked at shelters for years and worked at wildlife hospitals and the aquarium. She's been trained at the Boston ASPCA in a special training technique for pit bulls that helps them stay calm around strangers and each other. It's very successful and people are more likely to adopt the dogs because they are so calm. But she works ten hour days and lives on the third floor of a three family in Boston and this puppy she got is half bulldog and half lab. The father weighs 110pounds. I guess when they're that big they are mellow, my son has a Great Pyrennes who is very calm. I worry about them and Annie because she's only 10 pounds.
Back to my memory and where it went.
@greenleaf I do have some strategies for remembering my setup at work and recalling where I'm at with clients. I am kind of OCD there. My clients tease me about it, but they like how much attention I give to Universal Precautions. I can't remember yoga poses by name and I've been taking yoga for a year. I can do the poses, I just can't remember the names. The teacher often shares affirmations all of which I remember because they get me in my emotional mind. I use post it notes with reckless abandon, the neon colors work better than the pastels.
I guess this brings me to the intense work I'm doing with a trauma therapist. I just don't have a handle on my internal life maybe it's just that simple ( but not really). If I get too close to a memory, I fade away, I am not brave enough to be the adult for the child. My memories terrify me , they intrude like Mosquitos at dusk. I'm not kidding, I don't have a clue what it means to process a memory.
I read great posts and everyone makes so much emotional sense, but I can't apply the same perspective for my own story . I'm quite sure that I have strong avoidance behaviors. Maybe what I am asking is will I get better? I mean if I stop avoiding and meet my child's mind head on and try to somehow describe what she was experiencing that the fear of acknowledging my story will abate? I do pretty good talking about some skills I've learned to self soothe. I have been using my meds as prescribed and have not self harmed for about 5 months. My sleep is much improved since having reiki and yoga. I'll have to talk this out with my therapist-see where I'm at on the PTSD continuum. He sees me as more functional than I do. Damn I can't find my camera, that's what flipped the switch this morning. I am not going to do ECT. I'll just stay on the geodone.
Some people on the forum talk about their parts and how they have various abilities. It seems to me that this may be how my brain functions as well, although I don't know who's who and what their job is. I would like to have insight like that. How do you get insight like that? I'm so confused. I don't know anything about myself. I have one part that I call Notme. As I'm dissociating from her I say "it's Notme, it's Notme" and then I go into a trance. This tension occupies a lot of my brain time leaving me dazed and confused. Sorry I'm long winded I feel like I'm failing therapy. All these years for what? It's good that I'm not over medicated and sleeping well. In fact it's phenomenal!! I am digging reiki. Well, thank you for letting me vent. You're all awesome. I don't feel alone anymore.
